After what happend in the "Flash Movies" thread, I thought I'd better change the title of this one.
One time Boudreaux went ta town and got him a fancy shock collar so he could train hims new dog. Dat smart alecky ting come wit a remote. Alls Boudreaux had to do was push a button and dat collar would "shock" dat dog and teach it a lesson if'n it was doin wrong.
Well, Boudreaux wuz 'bout to learn him dog someting when Ole Pierre drapped by and started askin a bunch of questions 'bout it, worrying Boudreaux so much dat he decided to play a trick on his ole friend.
"Why, dis is a new fangled telephone, Pierre," Boudreaux tole him. "If'n you put this collar on your neck and walk out yonder a piece I'll show you how we can talk to each udder."
Poor Pierre put dat collar on and walked out ina yard a good ways and turned around 'bout de time Boudreaux done hit the juice button.
"Whoa! Boudreaux!" Pierre hollered. "Don't say nutin' else. Dis ting's got a short in it."
You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I. :drunk:
Quote from: Grundy on August 19, 2004, 06:09:33 PM
You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I. :drunk:
Probably not, but I can try. ;D
Quote from: Grundy on August 19, 2004, 06:09:33 PM
You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I. :drunk:
Louisiana might not, but I can. :evil:
:P
Quote from: Yonkey on August 19, 2004, 06:31:21 PM
Quote from: Grundy on August 19, 2004, 06:09:33 PM
You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I. :drunk:
Louisiana might not, but I can. :evil:
:P
;D
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer whose prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. All the farmer wanted was to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
On the day of the trial the attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have a single witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old farmer replied, "Well, sir, I'll tell you, I was a little worried about winning that case myself. That darned bull came home this morning."
QuoteYou still wont be able to save this thread from James and I. Drunk
Louisiana might not, but I can. Evil
Yonkey I promise I'll do my best!! If anyone can stop him I should be able too (well at least that's the theory right?! I'll just remove certain priveledges if he keeps misbehaving! Like ...I won't let him have any hugs or bedtime stories!)
I'LL BE GOOD!
:angel:
Quote from: Laur on August 20, 2004, 05:13:35 AM
Yonkey I promise I'll do my best!! If anyone can stop him I should be able too (well at least that's the theory right?! I'll just remove certain priveledges if he keeps misbehaving! Like ...I won't let him have any hugs or bedtime stories!)
Heheh, sounds good to me! XD
"Seeing Eye to Eye"
Three travelers happened to meet at a restaurant in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Alabama. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Michigan said, "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I was tired of fast food and wouldn't have any more of it in our home. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared."
So the man from Florida spoke up, "I had kinda the same experience. I told my wife we couldn't afford the maid any longer and she would have to do her own cleaning and shopping. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day didin't see anything. But the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and the pantry shelves were filled with groceries."
The fellow from Alabama pushed out his chest and said: "Hmmph! I told my wife just last week that she would have to do the cooking, shopping AND housecleaning. I thought she took it okay. Well, the first day I saw nothing! The second day--I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"
My last attempt, at getting others to post in this thread.
30 Ways To Perplex In The Computer Lab
darsys@pro-entropy.cts.com
(Eric A. Seiden)
Pro-Entropy +1-305-265-9073 (DAR Systems Int'l -- Miami, FL)
30 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh No! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
7. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
8. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
9. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, say "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
10. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
11. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
12. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
13. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
14. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
15. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
16. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
17. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
18. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
19. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
20. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
21. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
22. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
23. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
24. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
25. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
26. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
27. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
28. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
29. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
30. Two words: Tesla Coil.
--Edited by LN
I get my daily dose of jokes from CJ3000 (http://www.allowe.com/Humor/cj-main.htm) :pleased: *shameless plug*
Are you a member of the site(CJ3000)?
Oh my gosh, LN...that's hilarious! I've heard a couple of those before, but the majority are brand new to me!
*malicious grin* LN, I do believe youve led me onto the path of evil. University of Florida's computer labs wont know what hit them! :evil:
*hopes Fatali was joking* :P
Back Seat Drivers
Boudreaux waz driving down de road de udder day wit his wife, Marie, and his mudder-in-law in de car.
Every couple hundred yard, de two women would take turns tellig him some'hing. "Slow down!" "Watch de udder car!" "Don't drive so close to the line!" "Look out for dat curve."
After awhile dis started to wear on Boudreaux. He slams on de brakes and pulls onto de shoulder of de road. Turning to Marie, he say, "Look, who's driving dis car? You or your mudder?"
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 28, 2004, 09:05:47 PMAre you a member of the site(CJ3000)?
I am a special member of the CJ3000-community. :pleased:
That's good(I think :P ).
THE LAST BUG
"But you're out of your mind,"
They said with a shrug.
"The customer's happy;
What's one little bug?"
But he was determined.
The others went home.
He spread out the program,
Deserted, alone.
The cleaning men came,
The whole room was cluttered
With memory-dumps, punch cards.
"I'm close," he muttered.
The mumbling got louder,
Simple deduction,
"I've got it, it's right,
Just change one instruction."
It still wasn't perfect,
As year followed year,
And strangers would comment,
"Is that guy still here?"
He died at the console,
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried,
Face down, nine-edge first.
And the last bug in sight,
An ant passing by,
Saluted his tombstone,
And whispered, "Nice try."
It was obtained from the FSF's email archives of the GNU Project.
Quote from: Louisiana Night on November 02, 2004, 02:31:49 PMThat's good(I think :P ).
I don't get it. What does an ant have to do with a software bug and how did it know about it ???
No idea. :P
A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for son? You going to a fahr?. Let me see your license, boy."
The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives.
The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"
The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.
Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with Homer T. Ratcliff. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. Suddenly Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer got on the phone Billy Bob said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!!"
*waits for someone else to post a joke, because he's getting tired of being the only one posting them* :-\
I like it, LN! Gave me a smile that I was needing...thanks! :)
NP :)
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-----------------------------------------------------------
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the latest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Okay, let my try one from my joke-'vault':
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.
We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should deplane at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
ROFL
I like it! :D
and I'm happy someone else posted a joke in here. :P
Love it, CC! *inserts ROFL smiley*
Quote from: Louisiana Night on November 08, 2004, 12:36:58 AMand I'm happy someone else posted a joke in here. :P
Since you were posting jokes I've already read about in the Cyberjokes, I figured it wouldn't hurt to post one of those myself. It's not that easy though to find a
completely clean joke. Glad to be of service with my little joke-vault (now containing 1273 messages, most of which consist of two jokes. 8)
A quickie (?sp):
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
Very good," said the teacher. "And what's the name of our country?"
The little girl replied with confidence, "'Tis of thee."
*looks for a joke to post
Boudreaux and his wife recently traveled up from Cajun country to the hills of Arkansas to attend the funeral of one of his wife’s relatives. Boudreaux doesn’t care for all the visiting that surrounds a good funeral in the South, but he does like the eating that’s always involved. Fully aware of this, his wife warned him before they got out at her cousins that he better mind his manners and do his best to take part in the conversations.
Much later that afternoon, Boudreaux found himself in the kitchen, smack in the middle of a conversation with the preacher and several other men. That pastor was reaching for another chicken salad sandwich when he suddenly turned and sprang a question on all the men, “Fellas, when it’s your turn in the casket, what would you like your friends and congregation members to say about you?â€
One man spoke up nervously, “I’d like for them to say I was a fine husband.â€
“And a devout Christian,†his friend chimed in. “Yeah, and a good provider,†the other man added.
Everyone looked at Boudreaux who couldn’t think of anything left to say. Finally the silence became uncomfortable and he could tell he was gonna have to say something.
Boudreaux, cleared his throat, “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’"
I have a joke does Semi-Clean count though? ;P
Nevermind I'll post a clean one lol
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.
"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"
Here goes another one
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
and another :D
I don’t know what y’all are planning to get your sweeties for Valentine’s Day, but I sincerely hope y’all can avoid the mess Bubba got into last year. He must’ve been in the dog house for months. Poor Bubba, he tries, but he swam too long in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Last year bright and early on the morning of Feb. 14th, Bubba’s wife, Mary LeAnn served him coffee in bed and told him all about a dream she had the night before about him giving her a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
“What do think it means?†Mary LeAnn asked innocently.
Bubba smiled. Anyone could see that this was a chance to give his sweetie the perfect gift. “I don’t know, sugar,†he lied, “but you’ll know tonight.â€
That evening Mary LeAnn made them a great meal with candlelight and everything. Afterwards, Bubba presented his darling with a small package. Mary LeAnn gasped and Bubba grinned all over himself as she ripped the paper off, stared at him in shock and hit him over the head with her brand new book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.â€
Here's another one from me too:
Swen and Lars entered an ice fishing contest. At the end of day one, Lars returned with ten fish while Swen had none.
On day two, Lars caught twenty fish while Swen was again empty-handed.
When, on day three, Lars brought back thirty fish, and Swen still hadn't caught any, Swen got worried and asked his wife for advice. "He's probably cheating," she said. "I hadn't thought of that," said Swen. "What can I do?" She suggested that, instead of fishing the next day, Swen follow Lars to see what he did.
At the end of day four, Swen reported to his wife, "You were right, honey. That b****** Lars is cheating!" "Really? How?" "He's cutting holes in the ice!"
XB
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
A guy walk into a bar ... and says ow
you have no idea how long it takes people to get this one.
once I had to repeat myself three ttimes to get the point across
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are." The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
One that's suited to the current movie-situation:
Obi-Wan and Luke were hungry after a long speeder trip to that wretched hive of scum and villainy, Mos Eisley. They found a cantina and ordered Oriental food. When the food arrived, Obi-Wan handled his chopsticks deftly, but Luke just couldn't get the hang of them. He got more food on the table and his tunic than he into his mouth. Seeing his pupil in such distress, the Jedi Master dispensed the wisdom of his years, "Use the forks, Luke. Use the forks!"
I know I have one somewhere....
*throws a ton of files and folders around
Here it is!
The following letters are taken from an actual
incident between a London hotel and one of its guests.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars
of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own
bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out
of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on
your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When
I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going
to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory that I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries? One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Wow. That was more irritating than funny. Still a nice joke! XD
XB
imagen that happening to you XD
Pedestrian Polo(by Red Skelton)
Good evening.
Tonight we're going to have a little educational feature, that we all hope you'll be very much interested in, and it has to do with traffic. It's about a new game called Pedestrian Polo, and we'll give you the rules, and all of the principles of the game, as soon as we tell you a few of the things that you have to lookout for. There are different types of pedestrians. First we have the out-of-towner, who comes into town and he waits for the light to change, and finally decides that he won't cross because of the traffic, and he goes the other way. Around the block about 9 times and he never gets anywhere. In fact, he shouldn't have even come to town(The writer that wrote that shouldn't have even handed it in). Now, to be able to be a good pedestrian, you must be able to jump three ways at the same time(there's another writer bit the dust). Now the one thing you must always remember, or when you're driving especially... now there are different types of new things coming out everyday. We have the new bumper, that has the rubber stamp. When you hit a pedestrian, it says "killed in this town". Another thing we have is the floorboard. It's made out of glass, so that you can apologise to the pedestrian as you run over him. Must be sporting about  this game at all times, you see. Now, there are three lights. the traffic lights, they're very important in this game. Now first is the red light, and then the orange light, and the green light. Now the... well it looks like it's green anyhow. I'm colour blind, it don't make any difference. Anyhow now, the principle of these lights is, when the green light is on,  and the orange light comes on,  it means go fast so you won't hit the red one. Now, there are different types of rules  that you must follow at all times, playing Pedestrian Polo. First, the pedestrian. Don't ever be too kind to a pedestrian. If you see one, hit him. Now this is open season, and we have a score. If you hit a man, that is 5 points. If you hit a  woman, that is 15 points. If she's carrying a  baby, you add a 1/2 a point. Now if you hit a man and knock him down in a sewer, that's a hole in one. If you knock him through the air and knock him over 50 feet, that's called a birdy. Now, one of the most important things to remember while playing Pedestrian Polo, is to keep your windshield clean. Because you may miss the pedestrian completely. This is very heartbreaking you know. Now a lot of accidents are caused because people really don't know how to drive. Now coming down here tonight, there was a car in front of me, and I'll tell you this poor soul didn't know what she was doing. It was an out-of-towner, you could tell by the license plate. We come to this red light, a stoplight... she stopped, how do you like that? Now Tide has a new bumper that we're putting out, a Tide bumper that has a brush in it. This is so when you hit a pedestrian, it sprinkles a little tide over them, and then a can of water comes out and sprinkles the pedestrian, and they get so mad when you knock them down and they get dirty, this way they will get up and thank you for knocking them down.
Note
Some lines were removed/edited, due to them making no sense in text form. :-\
Oh, and if anyone has heard this joke before(besides Jason, and Aaron... and me ;P), raise your hand. :P
Two jokes, but can probably find more ;)
A vampire bat flew returned to the cave covered in fresh blood and hung from the roof to get some sleep. Soon the other bats smelled the blood on him and started harassing him about where he got it. He tried to sleep but they persisted until he finally, in exasperation, he said, "Okay, follow me!" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats right behind him. Down they went through the valley, across the river and into the forest. Finally he slowed down and waited while the other bats gathered around him. "See that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes. Yes! Yes!" the bats screamed. "Good," said the first bat, "because I didn't!"
Back in the day when Roosterpits had flight engineers and navigators, a crusty old-timer captain got a brand new navigator. He reached into his briefcase, pulled out a .38, laid it on the glare panel and asked his new navigator, "Know what this is for, son?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," the captain explained, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opened his briefcase, pulled out a .45 and placed it on his chart table. "What's that for?" asked the surprised pilot. The navigator replied, "Well, sir, I figure I'll know we're lost before you will!"
*gag* *chuckle* Good jokes guys :D
What if you throw a pedestrian into a tree? XD
Quote from: xit on June 01, 2005, 06:24:35 AMTwo jokes, but can probably find more ;)
Uncanny, they were even sent out in
the same month. One on May 12, the other on May 16. :pokerface:
Every morning, two owners of adjacent restaurant would unroll their front awnings. Every evening, they would roll them back up again. They never spoke, except on Fridays when the Greek restaurant owner asked the Chinese restaurant owner, "What day is it?" and then laugh heartily at the response, "It's Flyday." Of course, this upset the Chinese man to the point that he enrolled in an English class and spent months learning to pronounce the word "Friday" perfectly. Finally, one Friday, when he felt totally prepared and had practiced saying "Friday" over and over again, he felt the time was right. Sure enough, as always, the Greek asked him, "What day is it?" "It's Friday," he replied jubilantly, then added, "you clazy Gleek!"
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
-M.J. Shields
*eye twitch* This is just torture to me. XD
Two drunks got separated on the streets of New York City. One wandered down into the subway, climbed back out, and then found his buddy in a nearby park. "Where have you been?" asked the one. The other replied, "I dunno. I took a shortcut through some guy's basement. It was huge. But, man, what a model railroad!
:P
Quote from: copycat on August 11, 2005, 05:09:42 PM
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 11, 2005, 03:11:44 PMdoderez
&
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 11, 2005, 03:11:44 PMxrewawt
I can't quite read the way they're supposed to because I can't 'reform' them back. :-\
"xrewawt" is easy enough for me to read(throughout, I'm quite sure). As for "doderez"... I have no idea.
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 11, 2005, 06:04:33 PM"xrewawt" is easy enough for me to read(throughout, I'm quite sure).
Ah yes, I see it now. 8)
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 11, 2005, 06:04:33 PMAs for "doderez"... I have no idea.
You do that a lot, post/forward jokes of which you do not understand all content? ::) :D
No, I don't.
50 Fun Things To Do at Wal-Mart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 12, 2005, 02:53:05 PM
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Yes! I love to play calvinball! we play it all the time at scout meetings! :stabs:
Quote from: MATTANDALEX on August 12, 2005, 03:21:19 PM
Quote from: Louisiana Night on August 12, 2005, 02:53:05 PM
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Yes! I love to play calvinball! we play it all the time at scout meetings!
Never heard of it (before now that is). But then again, I was never a scout either. :P
EDIT: Just Googled for it. :scholar:
I'm too lazy to google for it. Plus I'm trying to spend as little time on the computers as possible. What is it? XD I can say we never played it at Girl Scout meetings. :P
It's easy. All you need is a volleycalvinball, some flags, a bunch of time fracture wickets, and some masks. Sorry, but nobody's allowed to question the masks.
If I ever make it to a Wal-Mart I'm so doing as many of those as possible, especially the thing with the clocks XD
who I am I like pie
Used to express apathy or confusion towards the present subject matter; also used to denote one's appreciation of pie (I like pie ;P)
INTPFPOTM
"I nominate this post for post of the month"; incredibly obscure. (Ya think? XD)
Llama
Lame player (see also HPL); Lower League Manager (used on in the SiGames Message boards)
Meh
word signaling indifference towards a subject or general apathy, used as a typed version of a shoulder shrug or a sigh.
Neg
Negative. Usually when asked a question in games such as Counterstrike and Rainbow Six, this is the brief way of saying 'no'. (I’m sorry, but how more brief can “no†get? XD)
Ngaaaah
A cry of frustration or triumph, which one can speak out loud by using the throat and nasal passage to produce a loud and at times annoying sound. Used comonly in some school environments to annoy a teacher as a class unit. This cry can also gain the attention of ones peers
oh noes!!!!111
An exaggerated expression of despair, often used for humorous effect. Sometimes coupled with teh (oh teh noes).
teh
A usually deliberate typo of "the". (Deliberate typo? XD)
Ãœber
German for "over" but interpreted in English as "super" or "hyper". Used in many contexts for emphasis or as a superlative, as in, "I'm an über player". Also seen written as "uber", "üb3r", "ül33R" and other leet variations. (Why don’t I know this?)these fees if
Well, that was ül33R weird...
XD
Especially when whenever I put my cursor over the text box thingeh, it typed random things by itself (see the beginning and end of the post,) my e key is being mean, and my internet is being too slow to change it. :P *goes to check for spyware or something*
if you need any help let me know ;)