Honest Trailers -- King's Quest 2015

[Numbers]

You know how Screen Junkies on YouTube have made themselves famous for their "Honest Trailers?" I figured I'd try a stab at it regarding this new King's Quest game, via text and images. Just try to imagine the Honest Trailer voice reading it aloud. Note that this will not be my negative outlook at this game, but from the overall positive point of view of the general KQ audience upon playing the game. I'll try my best to get into character for it. Also, minor spoilers ahead.

*Ahem*

Get ready for the reboot...

"This isn't a reboot, and it's not necessarily a sequel. It's a reimagining."

...or whatever, of an ancient game series...



...that ended on a sour note...



...that nobody specifically asked for, but when the fans saw the finished product...



...they just sort of shrugged and said to themselves, "Sure, that's good enough."



King's Quest 2015!

When King Graham, the most famous suicidal adventurer from the 80s...



...well, the second most famous suicidal adventurer from the 80s, finally finds that age has caught up to him, causing him to be voiced by a 76-year-old actor...



...he must carry on his legacy by telling embellished stories of his youth to his granddaughter, Gwendolyn...



...a character so shrill and annoying, and who pesters Graham so much, you'll find yourself wondering, "Where's Cedric in all of this?"



See Graham, the adventurer you grew up with, like you've never wanted to see him before! Including, but not limited to: putting his life at jeopardy deliberately to further his own interests...



...mugging opponents who could logically just step on him and be done with it...



...solving his problems by shooting them with arrows...



...gee, where have we seen that before?



...squeeing over lawn equipment...

Graham: So, I've been meaning to ask, WHAT is that amazing blade for? Is it for battling vicious were-bears? How many ice orcs has it slain? Does it deal justice? Is it road legal? IS IT MADE OF FEAR?!
Amaya: Oh, that? No, no, that's for gardening. I use it to trim my hedges.

...and finally, as was the case in the fourth Indiana Jones movie, very, very old.



Meet new opponents that Graham may or may not have just made up to impress Gwen...



...solve puzzles that anyone with even a modicum of adventure gaming skills could beat in their sleep...



...and re-enter the colorful world of fairy tales and wonder that taught people how to read and write in its early days...



...and then devolved into wackiness...



...and is now limited to console controls.



Because that's where the money is at these days, right?



STARRING:


Grahampa


White Aladdin


Hermione Granger


Draco Malfoy


One-eyed Smaug


Tom Kenny, as himself


Shrek


Helga


Kevin Smith


Steve Buscemi, Lindsay Lohan


King Hippo


Captain Qwark


Boba Fett


And Warwick Davis.



King's Quest 2015, aka King's Quest: Your Legacy Awaits, aka King's Quest The Complete Collection, aka King's Quest: A Knight to Remember, aka Could This Game Have Any More Subtitles If It Tried?!

*shows footage of Acorn throwing Graham into the water, followed by silence from Old Graham and Gwen*

What, no death message for that one? That's kind of an important failure scene! Nothing about drowning your sorrows, or keeping your head above water, or how your mother always said you'd land in hot water, or how your glass is now half empty? I gave you FOUR water-based puns to hate!

[GrahamRocks!]

Well, this made me smile! Thanks, I needed that today.

[Numbers]

If anyone could find a picture of the baker, that would be nice and it would round out the cast. He's the only major character missing a picture.

EDIT: Got a picture of the baker.

[Rock Knight]

Graham doing something selfish to further his own interests is nothing new:
-Kidnapping an elf to get out of the dark forest
-Confining a witch to a fate worse than death
-Sacrificing his own daughter to a dragon to save his kingdom

Also, we've seen Graham old. In KQ5. KQ5 would be more comparable to Indy 4.

Also, Graham never murders anyone with an arrow, so it's not like Mask of Eternity. You have the same level of choice as you do in KQ1 when you can decide to stab the dragon with a knife or douse the flame. Compare that to Rosella, who shoots Lolotte in the chest with an arrow.

Edit: Deleted long and unnecessary quote

[GrahamRocks!]

Aw, he's just having a little fun here. Hey, it made me laugh.

[daventry]

Love this Thread and Graham did murder someone. 

[Jack Stryker]

I always thought of Achaka is more of a Black Panther or Snake Eyes type myself.

Also, I think I like their Honest Action videos better, though unfortunately they've only covered the Die Hard and Home Alone movies so far.

[Numbers]

They would have a field day with this game, even with the non-game over slapstick that Graham endures. Stepping off of Triumph and "rappelling gracefully down the cliff"? Dead. Getting flung high into the air during the test of strength and getting caught by Olfie, which is basically the same thing as landing on concrete from a few stories up? Dead. The entire dragon sequence in the middle of the game? Well...

[spoiler]Someone actually does die, but against all odds, it's not Graham, who is physically weaker and less skilled than Achaka.[/spoiler]

[Birdy]

I doubt they'd ever make one for this game. Not quite mainstream enough. Besides, they're a bit busy with all five million of the fnaf games.

[Numbers]

Yeah, I know. That's why I put this together in the first place. And you're right about Five Nights at Freddy's...that series has really worn out its welcome. Each sequel has gotten worse and worse. And there are too many bad Let's Players on YouTube hamming it up and acting freaked out while playing a game that mostly relies on a surreal atmosphere and only gives you a jump scare if you screw up.

[Birdy]

The first one obviously did something right... for the longest time it freaked me out so much I couldn't even watch a playthrough (then again, I can't handle jumpscares at all... ) but the sequels did a terrible job of expanding on it, since it's all based on one formula and that's it. Plus, the overexposure also ruined it.

(Also.... are they really making a movie??? Really..?)

[Numbers]

FNAF is one of those horror concepts that started out promising enough, but then fell victim to overexposure and now almost nobody finds it scary. Slenderman fell victim to the same problem; you're stuck out in the woods at night with an almost useless flashlight and no way to defend yourself, and you're tasked with a treasure hunt. Sounds interesting enough, right? But after seeing dozens of Let's Plays of people who suck at the game and suck at commentating, you'll never find that scare chord or subliminally flashing game over screen scary again.

The game over screens in FNAF1 are certainly more startling, but they're easier to anticipate than Slenderman's if you know how the game works. If you leave the door on the right open for too long and pull up the security camera, chances are high that when you put the camera back down again, Chica will be screaming in your face. If you do the same with the left door, Bonnie will get you. If you leave both doors open and never pull up your security camera, they'll just stand out in the hallway staring at you ominously and they'll never move. Then there's Foxy, who you need the security camera for, so just shut both doors, pull it up, and if you're in the clear, open both doors back up again. All that leaves is Freddy, who is easily avoided the first couple of days so long as you don't run out of power. If you do, you can see his jump scare coming a mile away, the only difference being that its timing is somewhat random, meaning that sometimes he'll pop up within a couple seconds, sometimes it can take a full half minute for him to appear. When he starts showing up in earnest later on, you really have no warning for when he can appear, and that's the point that you have to stop cheesing the other animatronics and start playing the game legitimately. And you only get the Golden Freddy jump scare if you're really unlucky.

The second and third games look pathetic by comparison. The screech in the first game was definitely scary if you are caught off guard by it. The roars in the other games...not nearly as startling. Most of the jump scares in the third game didn't even kill you, they were just there to piss you off. The series is starting to resemble those horror-themed flash games you'd find on Newgrounds--all pop scares, very few of which are scary, and no atmosphere. The hidden lore is more interesting than the main games themselves.

Also, I can't see how they could possibly make a movie out this gimmick. Unless they do something like take the Raptors in the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park and stretch it out to movie length...but it would be insanely difficult to do that, let alone do it well.

[Birdy]

To be honest, even the backstory is a bit convoluted at this point. It's like Game Theory came up with a few good ideas and then the games just went, "oh, yeah.... let's just go with that." Just one game's worth of intrigue is enough, but if you draw it out like that people get bored and it becomes even more clear that it's just being made up as it goes along.

[GrahamRocks!]

I like your Gwendolyn= Hermione Granger joke there. She does look like her. plus, she is known (at least in the Wisdom path) as "Gwendolyn the Smarty Pants".

[Numbers]

I regret having to follow that one up with Gart = Draco Malfoy, as it seemed repetitive to have two Harry Potter shoutouts one after the other, but I literally couldn't think of anyone else. Maybe Gart Simpson, but I think that pun sounds kind of lame. Like, lame even for King's Quest.

To be honest, even the backstory is a bit convoluted at this point. It's like Game Theory came up with a few good ideas and then the games just went, "oh, yeah.... let's just go with that." Just one game's worth of intrigue is enough, but if you draw it out like that people get bored and it becomes even more clear that it's just being made up as it goes along.

To further draw the comparison between FNAF and Flash games on Newgrounds, there's a rather infamous series of games called "Ambition" that attempts to place you in situations where you need to negotiate with people. It starts out simple enough--you play as a cop who needs to calm down a suicide bomber in an office building--but by the fifth entry in the series, the plot goes completely off the rails, with every subsequent game seemingly contradicting the rest. It all culminates in the final episode, which has one of the most unexpected and hilarious plot twists I've ever seen in any medium. You can check out a playlist of it here:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLo4M1tlpv9ruM7k2Pr_0auqL8IveRE5gl

[GrahamRocks!]

I actually don't mind the direction the games went, gameplay or lore wise. What I don't like is the fandom! I can't like Foxy at all, because they ALWAYS portray him the same way- as the atoner, as the one ~*Good*~ animatronic, as the ~*Heroic*~ one who befriends the night guard/s and is only coming to check in on you for his jumpscare and his voicebox is broken, even though there's no evidence backing up their claims of him being anymore good or evil than the rest of them, his scream is the exact same one that everyone else has, and that he's clearly aiming for your throat in 2.

[Birdy]

Hooo, boy, the fandom. These stupid games have become furry fuel like nobody's business. Honestly, without the immense fandom the games themselves would be easy enough to brush off and ignore , but they're just freaking everywhere!

[GrahamRocks!]

Why haven't we started a FNAF thread?

[Birdy]

....

Good point. This thread had absolutely nothing to do with fnaf.

Oops...

[Lambonius]

OP is brilliant.  Mellow out, Rock Knight.