The Clean Jokes Thread

[Louisiana Night]

After what happend in the "Flash Movies" thread, I thought I'd better change the title of this one.

One time Boudreaux went ta town and got him a fancy shock collar so he could train hims new dog. Dat smart alecky ting come wit a remote. Alls Boudreaux had to do was push a button and dat collar would "shock" dat dog and teach it a lesson if'n it was doin wrong.

Well, Boudreaux wuz 'bout to learn him dog someting when Ole Pierre drapped by and started askin a bunch of questions 'bout it, worrying Boudreaux so much dat he decided to play a trick on his ole friend.

"Why, dis is a new fangled telephone, Pierre," Boudreaux tole him. "If'n you put this collar on your neck and walk out yonder a piece I'll show you how we can talk to each udder."

Poor Pierre put dat collar on and walked out ina yard a good ways and turned around 'bout de time Boudreaux done hit the juice button.

"Whoa! Boudreaux!" Pierre hollered. "Don't say nutin' else. Dis ting's got a short in it."

[Grundy]

You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I.  

[Louisiana Night]

You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I.  

Probably not, but I can try.  

[Yonkey]

You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I.  

Louisiana might not, but I can.  

[Louisiana Night]

You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I.  

Louisiana might not, but I can.  

[Louisiana Night]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer whose prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. All the farmer wanted was to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

On the day of the trial the attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have a single witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old farmer replied, "Well, sir, I'll tell you, I was a little worried about winning that case myself. That darned bull came home this morning."

[Laur]

You still wont be able to save this thread from James and I.  Drunk

Louisiana might not, but I can. Evil  

Yonkey I promise I'll do my best!! If anyone can stop him I should be able too (well at least that's the theory right?! I'll just remove certain priveledges if he keeps misbehaving! Like ...I won't let him have any hugs or bedtime stories!)

[Grundy]

I'LL BE GOOD!

[Yonkey]

Yonkey I promise I'll do my best!! If anyone can stop him I should be able too (well at least that's the theory right?! I'll just remove certain priveledges if he keeps misbehaving! Like ...I won't let him have any hugs or bedtime stories!)

Heheh, sounds good to me!

[Louisiana Night]

"Seeing Eye to Eye"

Three travelers happened to meet at a restaurant in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Alabama. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from Michigan said, "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that I was tired of fast food and wouldn't have any more of it in our home. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared."

So the man from Florida spoke up, "I had kinda the same experience. I told my wife we couldn't afford the maid any longer and she would have to do her own cleaning and shopping. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day didin't see anything. But the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and the pantry shelves were filled with groceries."

The fellow from Alabama pushed out his chest and said: "Hmmph! I told my wife just last week that she would have to do the cooking, shopping AND housecleaning. I thought she took it okay. Well, the first day I saw nothing! The second day--I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye!"

[Louisiana Night]

My last attempt, at getting others to post in this thread.

30 Ways To Perplex In The Computer Lab


darsys@pro-entropy.cts.com
(Eric A. Seiden)
Pro-Entropy +1-305-265-9073 (DAR Systems Int'l -- Miami, FL)

30 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB



1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh No! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

7. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

8. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

9. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, say "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

10. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

11. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

12. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

13. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

14. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

15. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

16. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

17. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

18. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

19. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

20. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

21. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

22. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

23. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

24. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

25. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

26. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

27. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

28. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

29. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."

30. Two words: Tesla Coil.

--Edited by LN

[copycat]

I get my daily dose of jokes from CJ3000 *shameless plug*

[Louisiana Night]

Are you a member of the site(CJ3000)?

[koko_99_2001]

Oh my gosh, LN...that's hilarious!  I've heard a couple of those before, but the majority are brand new to me!

[FataliOmega]

*malicious grin* LN, I do believe youve led me onto the path of evil. University of Florida's computer labs wont know what hit them!

[Louisiana Night]

*hopes Fatali was joking*

Back Seat Drivers

Boudreaux waz driving down de road de udder day wit his wife, Marie, and his mudder-in-law in de car.

Every couple hundred yard, de two women would take turns tellig him some'hing. "Slow down!" "Watch de udder car!" "Don't drive so close to the line!" "Look out for dat curve."

After awhile dis started to wear on Boudreaux. He slams on de brakes and pulls onto de shoulder of de road. Turning to Marie, he say, "Look, who's driving dis car? You or your mudder?"

[copycat]

Are you a member of the site(CJ3000)?

I am a special member of the CJ3000-community.

[Louisiana Night]

That's good(I think ).

THE LAST BUG

"But you're out of your mind,"
They said with a shrug.
"The customer's happy;
What's one little bug?"

But he was determined.
The others went home.
He spread out the program,
Deserted, alone.

The cleaning men came,
The whole room was cluttered
With memory-dumps, punch cards.
"I'm close," he muttered.

The mumbling got louder,
Simple deduction,
"I've got it, it's right,
Just change one instruction."

It still wasn't perfect,
As year followed year,
And strangers would comment,
"Is that guy still here?"

He died at the console,
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried,
Face down, nine-edge first.

And the last bug in sight,
An ant passing by,
Saluted his tombstone,
And whispered, "Nice try."

It was obtained from the FSF's email archives of the GNU Project.

[copycat]

That's good(I think ).

I don't get it. What does an ant have to do with a software bug and how did it know about it

[Louisiana Night]

No idea.

A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for son? You going to a fahr?. Let me see your license, boy."

The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives.

The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with Homer T. Ratcliff. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. Suddenly Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer got on the phone Billy Bob said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!!"



*waits for someone else to post a joke, because he's getting tired of being the only one posting them*