The Clean Jokes Thread

[koko_99_2001]

I like it, LN!  Gave me a smile that I was needing...thanks!

[Louisiana Night]

NP


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.


Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

-----------------------------------------------------------

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the latest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[copycat]

Okay, let my try one from my joke-'vault':

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.

We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should deplane at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

[Louisiana Night]

ROFL

I like it!

and I'm happy someone else posted a joke in here.

[koko_99_2001]

Love it, CC! *inserts ROFL smiley*

[copycat]

and I'm happy someone else posted a joke in here.

Since you were posting jokes I've already read about in the Cyberjokes, I figured it wouldn't hurt to post one of those myself. It's not that easy though to find a completely clean joke. Glad to be of service with my little joke-vault (now containing 1273 messages, most of which consist of two jokes.

A quickie (?sp):

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
Very good," said the teacher. "And what's the name of our country?"
The little girl replied with confidence, "'Tis of thee."

[Louisiana Night]

*looks for a joke to post

Boudreaux and his wife recently traveled up from Cajun country to the hills of Arkansas to attend the funeral of one of his wife’s relatives. Boudreaux doesn’t care for all the visiting that surrounds a good funeral in the South, but he does like the eating that’s always involved. Fully aware of this, his wife warned him before they got out at her cousins that he better mind his manners and do his best to take part in the conversations.

Much later that afternoon, Boudreaux found himself in the kitchen, smack in the middle of a conversation with the preacher and several other men. That pastor was reaching for another chicken salad sandwich when he suddenly turned and sprang a question on all the men, “Fellas, when it’s your turn in the casket, what would you like your friends and congregation members to say about you?”

One man spoke up nervously, “I’d like for them to say I was a fine husband.”

“And a devout Christian,” his friend chimed in. “Yeah, and a good provider,” the other man added.

Everyone looked at Boudreaux who couldn’t think of anything left to say. Finally the silence became uncomfortable and he could tell he was gonna have to say something.

Boudreaux, cleared his throat, “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’"

[Lil Maniac]

I have a joke does Semi-Clean count though?

Nevermind I'll post a clean one lol


I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"

Here goes another one

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Louisiana Night]

and another

I don’t know what y’all are planning to get your sweeties for Valentine’s Day, but I sincerely hope y’all can avoid the mess Bubba got into last year. He must’ve been in the dog house for months. Poor Bubba, he tries, but he swam too long in the shallow end of the gene pool.

Last year bright and early on the morning of Feb. 14th, Bubba’s wife, Mary LeAnn served him coffee in bed and told him all about a dream she had the night before about him giving her a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.

“What do think it means?” Mary LeAnn asked innocently.

Bubba smiled. Anyone could see that this was a chance to give his sweetie the perfect gift. “I don’t know, sugar,” he lied, “but you’ll know tonight.”

That evening Mary LeAnn made them a great meal with candlelight and everything. Afterwards, Bubba presented his darling with a small package. Mary LeAnn gasped and Bubba grinned all over himself as she ripped the paper off, stared at him in shock and hit him over the head with her brand new book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

[copycat]

Here's another one from me too:

Swen and Lars entered an ice fishing contest. At the end of day one, Lars returned with ten fish while Swen had none.

On day two, Lars caught twenty fish while Swen was again empty-handed.

When, on day three, Lars brought back thirty fish, and Swen still hadn't caught any, Swen got worried and asked his wife for advice. "He's probably cheating," she said. "I hadn't thought of that," said Swen. "What can I do?" She suggested that, instead of fishing the next day, Swen follow Lars to see what he did.

At the end of day four, Swen reported to his wife, "You were right, honey. That b****** Lars is cheating!" "Really? How?" "He's cutting holes in the ice!"

[Jafar]

[Louisiana Night]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

[MATTANDALEX]

A guy walk into a bar ... and says ow

you have no idea how long it takes people to get this one.

once I had to repeat myself three ttimes to get the point across

[Louisiana Night]

A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are." The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"

[copycat]

One that's suited to the current movie-situation:

Obi-Wan and Luke were hungry after a long speeder trip to that wretched hive of scum and villainy, Mos Eisley. They found a cantina and ordered Oriental food. When the food arrived, Obi-Wan handled his chopsticks deftly, but Luke just couldn't get the hang of them. He got more food on the table and his tunic than he into his mouth. Seeing his pupil in such distress, the Jedi Master dispensed the wisdom of his years, "Use the forks, Luke. Use the forks!"

[Raforever]

I know I have one somewhere....
*throws a ton of files and folders around

Here it is!


The following letters are taken from an actual
incident between a London hotel and one of its guests.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars
of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own
bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you, S. Berman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out
of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on
your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When
I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going
to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets

S. Berman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory that I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries? One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[Yonkey]

Wow.  That was more irritating than funny.  Still a nice joke!

[Raforever]

 
imagen that happening to you

[Louisiana Night]

Pedestrian Polo(by Red Skelton)

Good evening.
Tonight we're going to have a little educational feature, that we all hope you'll be very much interested in, and it has to do with traffic. It's about a new game called Pedestrian Polo, and we'll give you the rules, and all of the principles of the game, as soon as we tell you a few of the things that you have to lookout for. There are different types of pedestrians. First we have the out-of-towner, who comes into town and he waits for the light to change, and finally decides that he won't cross because of the traffic, and he goes the other way. Around the block about 9 times and he never gets anywhere. In fact, he shouldn't have even come to town(The writer that wrote that shouldn't have even handed it in). Now, to be able to be a good pedestrian, you must be able to jump three ways at the same time(there's another writer bit the dust). Now the one thing you must always remember, or when you're driving especially... now there are different types of new things coming out everyday. We have the new bumper, that has the rubber stamp. When you hit a pedestrian, it says "killed in this town". Another thing we have is the floorboard. It's made out of glass, so that you can apologise to the pedestrian as you run over him. Must be sporting about  this game at all times, you see. Now, there are three lights. the traffic lights, they're very important in this game. Now first is the red light, and then the orange light, and the green light. Now the... well it looks like it's green anyhow. I'm colour blind, it don't make any difference. Anyhow now, the principle of these lights is, when the green light is on,  and the orange light comes on,  it means go fast so you won't hit the red one. Now, there are different types of rules  that you must follow at all times, playing Pedestrian Polo. First, the pedestrian. Don't ever be too kind to a pedestrian. If you see one, hit him. Now this is open season, and we have a score. If you hit a man, that is 5 points. If you hit a  woman, that is 15 points. If she's carrying a  baby, you add a 1/2 a point. Now if you hit a man and knock him down in a sewer, that's a hole in one. If you knock him through the air and knock him over 50 feet, that's called a birdy. Now, one of the most important things to remember while playing Pedestrian Polo, is to keep your windshield clean. Because you may miss the pedestrian completely. This is very heartbreaking you know. Now a lot of accidents are caused because people really don't know how to drive. Now coming down here tonight, there was a car in front of me, and I'll tell you this poor soul didn't know what she was doing. It was an out-of-towner, you could tell by the license plate. We come to this red light, a stoplight... she stopped, how do you like that? Now Tide has a new bumper that we're putting out, a Tide bumper that has a brush in it. This is so when you hit a pedestrian, it sprinkles a little tide over them, and then a can of water comes out and sprinkles the pedestrian, and they get so mad when you knock them down and they get dirty, this way they will get up and thank you for knocking them down.

Note
Some lines were removed/edited, due to them making no sense in text form.

Oh, and if anyone has heard this joke before(besides Jason, and Aaron... and me ), raise your hand.

[xit]

Two jokes, but can probably find more

A vampire bat flew returned to the cave covered in fresh blood and hung from the roof to get some sleep. Soon the other bats smelled the blood on him and started harassing him about where he got it. He tried to sleep but they persisted until he finally, in exasperation, he said, "Okay, follow me!" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats right behind him. Down they went through the valley, across the river and into the forest. Finally he slowed down and waited while the other bats gathered around him. "See that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes. Yes! Yes!" the bats screamed. "Good," said the first bat, "because I didn't!"

Back in the day when Roosterpits had flight engineers and navigators, a crusty old-timer captain got a brand new navigator. He reached into his briefcase, pulled out a .38, laid it on the glare panel and asked his new navigator, "Know what this is for, son?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," the captain explained, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opened his briefcase, pulled out a .45 and placed it on his chart table. "What's that for?" asked the surprised pilot. The navigator replied, "Well, sir, I figure I'll know we're lost before you will!"