Deloria, I'm so sorry to hear that things are so s****y right now for you. That's awful, and I can't really imagine what it must be like. And as it all sounds very drastic, I have to ask if there's someone else you can stay with (your living situation does not sound good for you at all), and if you can see a therapist to help you get through this. I would hate, hate, hate to hear that something has taken any of our forumers away from us, especially by their own hands, and you have been with us for years, an active member of this community, and you would be missed by us all.
Please find a non-destructive way to help you through this. I don't know the details of your situation, but there's always another option, even if am improbable one, even if it means relying on someone else to be strong and carry you through it, and it's clear that the way things are right now for you is not maintainable or healthy.