Best Twlight Reviews EVER (SPOILERS)

[KatieHal]

Enchantermon: in the books, when the sex scenes come up, Meyer utilizes the tried and true "fade to black" method to get around writing the sex scenes. That's fine, they're young adult novels, no big deal.

However, her method for letting us know some details and tidbits of what happened after black was faded to? Not Bella reminiscing fondly, not the two having some pillow talk about oh man, was that good for you when XYZ happened. No, no.

Her method is having Bella wake up in a bed covered in feathers (note: in at least one instance, the fade to black had her in a completely different location beforehand), her body covered in bruises, a broken headboard IIRC, and no recollection of how all this happened. She asks Edward flat out to recount for her what occurred. For example, the feathers? He bit a few pillows in the throws of ecstasy. The bruises are due to his ridiculous vampire strength and losing some control of that during the same. All of which are usually, y'know, the sort of thing one would probably remember if they were awake, coherent, and an active and willing participant in the activities going on at the time!

[Enchantermon]

Oh...
So, what, did he accidentally knock her unconscious and still continued to have sex with her? That's.....pretty messed up.

[Haids1987]

LOL!  I have tears in my eyes after reading your posts, Katie and Enchantermon.  Thank you for that.

No, to answer your question, Enchantermon, there was no unconsciousness to be had.    I think Katie's interpretation of the sex scene in Breaking Dawn was a tad bit different from mine (even though her interpretation had me laughing so hard my dogs started whining. )  

The way I understood it, Bella was also caught up in the "throes of passion" and didn't seem to notice what was going on around her--i.e., the bruises, the feathers.  It wasn't that she didn't remember , she was just...uh, let's say distracted. Allow me to (oh God, am I really doing this?) reference page 89 of Breaking Dawn, after Bella discoveres her bruises: "I tried to remember this--to remember pain--but I couldn't.  I couldn't recall a moment when his hold had been too tight, his hands too hard against me.  I only remembered wanting him to hold me tighter, and being pleased when he did..."

She doesn't have amnesia over having sex with Edward, she just remembers the good parts.  Page 109 (after Edward shows her the broken headboard): "Hmm." I frowned.  "You'd think I would have heard that."  "You seem to be extraordinarily unobservant when your attention is otherwise involved," [said Edward.]  "I was a bit obsorbed," I admitted, blushing a deep red."

See, she knows what's happening, she just doesn't pay attention to the minor things...you know, like her husband tearing up the furniture.

[KatieHal]

Oh...
So, what, did he accidentally knock her unconscious and still continued to have sex with her? That's.....pretty messed up.

I know!!

Allow me to (oh God, am I really doing this?) reference page 89 of Breaking Dawn, after Bella discoveres her bruises: "I tried to remember this--to remember pain--but I couldn't.  I couldn't recall a moment when his hold had been too tight, his hands too hard against me.  I only remembered wanting him to hold me tighter, and being pleased when he did..."

See, if she'd just gone with Bella being into having her pleasure involve pain, problem solved. But if that's not stated, and I don't recall anything ever saying in one direction or another, then you assume it's not the case. In which case...someone bruising you that much? You will notice that! One bruise, maybe two, I can see how that'll turn into one of those things where later on you notice belatedly and that's that. But the extent to which it happens in the book, or is implied to? Nuh-uh!

She doesn't have amnesia over having sex with Edward, she just remembers the good parts.  Page 109 (after Edward shows her the broken headboard): "Hmm." I frowned.  "You'd think I would have heard that."  "You seem to be extraordinarily unobservant when your attention is otherwise involved," [said Edward.]  "I was a bit obsorbed," I admitted, blushing a deep red."

See, she knows what's happening, she just doesn't pay attention to the minor things...you know, like her husband tearing up the furniture.

Yeah...again, maybe one or two smaller things, like a knocked over lamp or a glass that fell and no one noticed, I could see that happening. But, seriously, I don't care how good the sex is, broken headboards and exploding pillows are not things you're going to miss!

Gah! See, this is why I can't not stick around and rant about these books and watch these trainwreck movies. Because it's just mind-boggling the stuff that's in them!

Also, thanks for getting those quotes--I gave my last three books in the series to a friend, so I no longer have the option available to me!

[Haids1987]

Yeah...again, maybe one or two smaller things, like a knocked over lamp or a glass that fell and no one noticed, I could see that happening. But, seriously, I don't care how good the sex is, broken headboards and exploding pillows are not things you're going to miss!

Katie, you're making me all blotchy and red from cry-laughing! 

This is where I think your point about "written for young adults" comes into play. It IS unrealistic to imagine someone being so caught up that they don't realize things like "broken headboards and exploding pillows" are happening around them.  Also, I must point out that Stephenie Meyer is a religious woman to three young children--she's probably a bit more squeamish about writing about heavy adult stuff than others.

This conversation is too funny.  I can't believe that a discussion about a sex scene in a novel has lasted for a page and half.

[Enchantermon]

See, she knows what's happening, she just doesn't pay attention to the minor things...you know, like her husband tearing up the furniture.

But, seriously, I don't care how good the sex is, broken headboards and exploding pillows are not things you're going to miss!

LOL!
Yeah, she obviously either didn't think this through enough or didn't care because it's fantasy.
Or Bella's just an oblivious ditz.

[Haids1987]

Or Bella's just an oblivious ditz.

When it comes to Edward she is.  Nauseatingly so.

[KatieHal]

Or Bella's just an oblivious ditz.

When it comes to Edward she is.  Nauseatingly so.

This, this! A thousand times this!

[Enchantermon]

If you're going to write a romance, at least write a realistic romance. Even if it's a fantasy setting, you can still be realistic.

[KatieHal]

Exactly!

Or y'know, a realistic romance that isn't incredibly emotionally abusive and filled with manipulations.

[Enchantermon]

Yikes. I've never read the books, but I've heard enough things like that about them that I don't really want to.

[KatieHal]

BTW, if you want some serious laughs and recaps of this series, I highly recommend the blog Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To). Awesome & hilarious. And an almost disturbing descent into total hatred of the series by the end! Good times, though. I may have plugged it before, but whatever, here it is again!

[Haids1987]

Or y'know, a realistic romance that isn't incredibly emotionally abusive and filled with manipulations.

Seriously! "Um, Edward, can I please go visit my friends on the other side of town?"
"HECK no! I forbid it!"
"Fine, I'll just be really sneaky about it and get you all PO'd at me. *Rushes to visit the wolf pack* Oh man, Edward is gonna be so mad at me!"
"Fine, Bella, I'll let you see the wolves--but if and ONLY if I can drive you there!"

[LadyTerra]

Also, I must point out that Stephenie Meyer is a religious woman to three young children--she's probably a bit more squeamish about writing about heavy adult stuff than others.

Okay, so we at least know Meyer actually knows how sex works.  I figured she had more of a crazy waltz in mind, like the couple with the bombing game in Majora's Mask.

[Enchantermon]

BTW, if you want some serious laughs and recaps of this series, I highly recommend the blog Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To). Awesome & hilarious. And an almost disturbing descent into total hatred of the series by the end! Good times, though. I may have plugged it before, but whatever, here it is again!

Hah, thanks, I may have to check that out.

[Haids1987]

I was just flipping through one of my scrapbooking magazines and happened upon this:


Gah ha ha!   My sister always said she wondered when this particular company would put out Twilight paper!  It was only a matter of time.  I bet this stack is selling like hotcakes.

Sadly, I must have it.  I need it for my Forks pictures.

[Sir Perceval of Daventry]

These books are going to inspire a whole generation of women to seek out controlling, possessive and emotionally manipulative men.

[Arkillian]

I donno. I tried reading the first book- at first it was ok reading the diary like writing, but really, I think the only real problem with Twilight is Bella. If they took her out, the movie would have enough to make a story that I'd be interested in. It'd be a start- you know? Something you can flesh up. The royal family looked promising. I wish it was explained more. Stuff like that. And I like the Cullens. Bella is a truely horrible person though She's horrible to her friends, family, and the ones she loves T.T

[Haids1987]

The royal family looked promising. I wish it was explained more.

Do you mean the Volturi, the Italian vampires?

[Arkillian]

Yeah. If it weren't for unneccesary plot jerkiness, they could've had an interesting thing going. See, I don't actually have a huge issue with Twilight. To me, it is what it is. Edward is an unhealthy relationship for Bella cause he's a vampire, and Jacob is unhealthy cause... well, he's actually the healthy relationship of the story :/ When you date a vamp though, there will be immortality angst. I get that. We're not talking 2 humans, so you really CAN'T have a normal relationship. The relationship between Edward and Bella is actually more healthier in the book. I didn't believe it could've worked, but shortening the scene with them doing their love tango made the movie version SO bad relationship wise. The book is slower, and less stalkerish, so I'm lead to believe that Bella is an issue, cause frankly, she's a selfish b**** to me. A Mary Sue too, but that's forgivable. She doesn't actually have a redeemable bone in her body. Being a Vampire would actually GIVE her depth.

Now, before people flame me for not having an issue with sparkly vampires, I think they can work. There are SO many versions of vampires out there- who says that they can't be vampires who are sissys are non aggressive? I think they should have better vulnerabilities than having their head chopped off and burned, but otherwise, it's just flavour. IF you're reading a vampire ROMANCE story cause you want to see blood being sucked out all the time then that's not gonna be romantic. Take Bella out and put in a girl with dimension and personality though, I think twilight would be alot better.

And for those that want to see it- here's my impression of a traditionalized version of Edward Cullen- fangs and all