POStudios Forum

So, I got pretty bored the other day and decided to psychoanalyze the characters from King's Quest.  Abnormal psychology is kind of my thing, and I find it fun to pick at the inconsistencies of fantasy characters as well as look at how the characters would have responded to the continued traumas they went through.  So then I decided to write short dialogues between the characters and a therapist, as if they were in treatment.  I typed up a couple of short scenarios really quickly and ended each with the diagnosis.  So enjoy.  Or don't.  That's fine too.  This first one takes a look at Edgar's behavior throughout King's Quest.

"Alright, so Edgar, you're here because of a court order, is that right?"
"It's really ridiculous.  The courts don't understand."
"From what I understand, Rosella has filed a restraining order, which you have violated..."
"Rosella is...she's a free spirit.  She's playing hard to get.  This restraining order is her playing hard to get."
"She wants to you violate it?"
"Of course!"
"So the multiple times you violated this order..."
"Can you really call expressing love a violation?"
"Apparently you showed up underneath Rosella's castle window, singing a love song..."
"It was a Frankie of Avalon original!  Rosella loves his music!"
"Singing a love song at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night with a lute raised over your head."
"A lot of people would call that romance.  But this is how Rosella and I work!  We're courting!"
"Are you really?  The restraining order seems to indicate she broke up with you..."
"She's a free spirit!  She can't stand labels on relationships."
"You just said you were courting, though.  Isn't that a label?"
"Rosella and I are complicated.  It goes back to when we first met."
"Yeah, why don't we start there?  You met Rosella when you were both in Tamir.  She was searching for a cure to her father's heart attack and you were..."
"I was kidnapped and my appearance altered by an evil fairy who told me I was her son."
"Right.  So you saw Rosella one time and..."
"And it was love at first sight!  I knew we were destined to be together."
"You didn't even know who you really were, but you knew that your future lay with this girl from a distant land who was on a quest to save her dying father?"
"You don't understand true love, do you?"
"Do you?"
"Of course I do!  True love is what Rosella and I have!"
"Except for the restraining order."
"I knew from the moment I saw her that we were to be married!"
"Yeah, ok, why don't we talk about that?  So you told your fake mother, who you knew to be pure evil, that you wanted to marry this girl you just met."
"Lolotte was a horrible witch, but she did look out for me.  In her own way she loved me."
"See that's interesting.  You identified love with an evil woman possessing you and sheltering you.  You saw love as dependence."
"I don't think so."
"So it's just a coincidence that in order to marry Rosella, you had your evil mother kidnap her so that she would be forced to marry you and depend on you in this new, prison-like surrounding?"
"She would have grown to see the castle as home."
"Like you did?"
"I don't see your point."
"Really?  Because I find the parallels to be striking."
"What parallels?  I wanted Rosella to feel at home."
"And that's why you gave her the key?"
"Yes.  I knew she would seek me out."
"But she didn't.  She killed your fake mother and escaped.  That must have hurt."
"A little."
"But you still proposed to her anyway after being restored by Genesta."
"What better time than after she could see my true form and understand the depths of my love?"
"I'd imagine a better time would have been when she wasn't trying to get home to save her dying father.  Did you really think that she would marry a man she just met when her father was dying at home, no more than a day after she thought she'd die at the hands of a three-headed dragon?  The proposal couldn't have waited until her life stopped spinning?"
"Rosella loves me, deep down inside."
"And that's why you snatched her away to the Troll Underground?"
"Of course!  Fate kept pushing us together!"
"That's interesting.  It seems more like you were stalking her with the magical mirror/portal and when you saw a chance, you abducted her."
"You're saying I'm a criminal for expressing my love?"
"I'm saying you seem to have some boundary issues."
"If I really had boundary issues, why didn't I ask her to marry me again?  I just asked her to court.  Doesn't that show boundaries?"
"Well, you asked her out after sacrificing your life to save her and in front of her mother and both your parents."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying it would have been incredibly difficult for her to say 'no' under those circumstances."
"Or maybe she actually loves me!  How about that?"
"Or maybe you were emotionally manipulating her by asking her for a pity date after the climax of a world-wide cataclysm in front of no less than three royals and after Rosella had gone through a major ordeal of which you were the chief cause.  Very much the same as how you asked her to marry you in Tamir after she had been kidnapped, forced to kill your fake mother, undergone a number of traumas at the hands of giants, witches, and the undead, and was worried sick about her dying father."
"You make me sound like a bad guy.  Is love really so wrong?"
"Look, what I'm seeing here is that you never had any childhood.  You were stolen away by an evil fairy and twisted and brainwashed.  You never developed a core identity and because of that you feel fragmented.  You feel you need someone there to validate your existence.  You identify love from what you received from Lolotte which was actually psychological torture and fostered dependence and now you try to cultivate that in your so-called relationship with Rosella.  You see your true parents as too aloof because you don't really know them and they don't really know you.  So you look to the chaos and excitement that comes from this idealized concept of a relationship with Rosella."
"Rosella and I are meant to be!"
"You keep saying that and using terms like 'true love' but I don't think you have any idea what that means.  Not really.  You haven't had any relationships outside of the courtship with Rosella, which has ended in a restraining order.  Prior to that, your only involvement with Rosella revolved around kidnapping, emotional dependence, stalking, and an attempt at a forced marriage.  And now you have a restraining order which you have violated no less than three times because you can't help but follow her around and sing love songs to her.  You're afraid that if you're not in her life at all times, if there's not a codependent relationship happening, that she'll leave you."
"Of course I'm afraid she'll leave!  She's my world!  Unless I show her how much I care, she'll leave me for someone like Conner!"
"I really don't think anyone likes Conner, but still, that's a risk you have to take."
"But she might leave!"
"She's already filed a restraining order and now you're mandated for treatment.  I'd say she's made her choice for a future, and you're not included in it.  The only question remaining is what choice you'll make for the future.  Your life is moving forward and you can't just hold still for some idealized concept of love that doesn't actually exist.  We've got to get these extreme emotions manifested by idealizations and condemnations out of your everyday life.  It's just getting you turned around and leading you to more chaos."
"Life is empty without the chaos."
"That's because you see the codependence you had with Lolotte and Malicia as the only times in your life where you had a central, crystalline purpose.  But that was destructive.  You were being used.  You can find your own purpose and your own identity."
"Maybe.  But I think if Rosella just saw Etheria one last time she'd..."
"Edgar, I want to make this very clear: If you take Rosella to Etheria, that constitutes kidnapping.  You will be taken into custody upon your return to Daventry."
"But she'll love me!  When she sees my kingdom again, then she'll love me!  We're getting married!"
Prince Edgar of Etheria
Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder

LOL! XD XD

fun to read. nicely done  :P

Quote"I really don't think anyone likes Conner"

QFT

QFT = Quest for Therapy? XD

Glad you enjoy the dialogues.  Next up is King Graham.  He's got issues.

"So let's talk about these rituals, Graham."
"There are just some things that I need to do.  I can't stop."
"Things need to be a certain way?"
"Yes.  Always."
"Why don't we talk about your clothes?  They seem a bit worn down and dirty."
"It's my questing outfit!  I need to wear my questing outfit!"
"And why do you need to wear your questing outfit?"
"In case I need to go on a quest!"
"Surely you could wear something else, like your royal robes, and if a quest presented itself..."
"No!  No, I need to wear my questing outfit at all times!  You never know when you'll be forced to go on a quest through the countryside!"
"Do the clothes really make that much of a difference?  What if you changed your outfit instead of wearing the threadbare red tunic and the blue pants?"
"This is my questing outfit.  I can't just change it!  This is what I wear on quests!"
"You're not on a quest now, Graham."
"But I could be..."
"So you wear this outfit all the time?"
"Yes!  And it came in handy.  When the magic mirror showed me Valanice I was wearing it.  I was all ready to journey out!"
"Right, but you would have had time to change clothes.  You didn't need to have them on."
"But it was a quest!"
"When Rosella went on her own quest, she started in her royal gowns.  She was able to change clothes to blend in.  It worked for her not to be wearing a questing outfit."
"I don't follow."
"And speaking of Rosella's quest, I understand that when you had your heart attack, you still had to wear your questing outfit."
"It's my questing outfit."
"We've established that.  But the point is that you were on the verge of death, but you refused to allow your servants to change you into something more comfortable.  You were in bed dying, your family all around you, and you were still wearing the questing outfit."
"I know it seems odd, but you really need to be ready in case a quest shows up."
"What if I asked you just to take off your hat?  Could you do that for me?"
"It's my adventurer hat!"
"I know, but you're not on an adventure right now, Graham.  You're inside.  You can take the hat off."
"I...I'd really rather not.  It's my adventurer hat."
"Ok, we can work on that later.  Let's talk about the other rituals.  Which one causes you the most trouble?"
"I need to pick things up.  Pick up everything that's not nailed down.  If it is nailed down, look for loose nails!"
"So when did you realize this was a problem?"
"In Kolyma I realized I had a problem.  I came across this house that a sick grandmother lived in, and it had a mailbox.  I just had to open the mailbox to see what was inside."
"Even though that's a federal offense in Kolyma."
"I know.  But when I looked inside, there was this basket of goodies."
"It sounds like a family member was sending a gift to this elderly lady."
"Her granddaughter.  But I figured the goodies would come in handy.  I had to pick it up."
"Even though they were clearly a delivery for the woman in the house?"
"I didn't even think about it.  I had to pick it up.  And that's not the worst part...I met the granddaughter later.  She was crying..."
"And why was she crying, Graham?"
"Because the basket of goodies she wanted to give to her grandmother had gone missing."
"So your rituals had a major effect on this little girl's life."
"I had to pick it up!  Pick up everything that's not nailed down.  If it is nailed down, look for loose nails!"
"It didn't belong to you, Graham."
"I know.  But I had to pick it up.  Pick up everything that's not nailed down.  If it is..."
"Graham, I know the expression."
"I feel like I need to say it.  I need to say it after I mention picking something up.  I need to explain it.  Pick up everything that's not..."
"Graham, I know.  You're going to have to fight this ritual right now.  We're talking about the little girl.  Did you give her back the basket of goodies?"
"Yes.  And I got her flowers in trade."
"You took the flowers she picked for her grandmother?"
"In trade."
"In trade for the basket of goodies, which you stole out of the mailbox she had put them in?"
"You give items in trade for other items.  That's the way things work."
"So that's another ritual."
"No, that's how things work!"
"Is it?  Because it seems, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, that you stole this girl's basket of goodies that she made for her sick grandmother, then sold them back to her for some flowers that she also got for her sick grandmother."
"But the flowers helped me make friends with the mermaid!"
"I'm sure jewelry would have done the trick too.  The point here is that this ritual led to you stealing from a little girl and an old, sick woman, and then taking more things from them in trade for the object you stole in the first place."
"I made it better though.  I brought soup for the grandmother!"
"Soup that you stole from the dwarf."
"He was a thief!"
"That doesn't give you the right to take his soup!"
"Maybe not, but the grandmother was sick!  She needed to eat something!  She was hungry!"
"Maybe she wouldn't have been hungry if you hadn't stolen the basket of food."
"I know!  I need help!  These rituals are taking over my life!  I can't even walk through the woods without picking flowers!  They're just there and I can't go past without picking them up!  Pick up everything that's not nailed down.  If it is nailed down, look for loose nails!
King Graham of Daventry
Diagnosis: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Rule out Kleptomania

The poor royal family... XD

These are fantastic. :P

Thanks!  Next up is Alexander.  Now, I had trouble picking out inconsistencies for him (let's face it, Edgar does have boundary issues and Graham...well...he really should change his clothes every so often), so I went with what kind of pathology would have actually presented due to the lifetime of systemized abuse he would have went through until the age of 18.  If he was real.  Which he's not, I know, but if Alexander was real, odds are this is what he'd actually be like thanks to the mind frag Manannan created every day for 18 years.

"So, Prince Alexander?"
"It's KING Alexander."
"Ah, I didn't realize the coronation had already occurred."
"It was the social event in the Green Isles.  I'm a bit surprised that you didn't hear about it.  You don't really keep up with events, do you?"
"I keep up with the latest in research, but celebrity news, no I'm afraid I don't."
"Well, this isn't boding well for therapy, now is it?  We've only just started and already I'm telling you your business.  I guess just anyone can get a diploma these days.
"I'd like to think that I'm always learning, just as we all are as students of life.  You certainly had to learn a lot from a young age, didn't you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Your kidnapping and enslavement at the hands of Manannan.  I'm sure it took many tools and clear wits to survive it."
"Absolutely.  Manannan thought he was so smart, but I showed him."
"Still, growing up under his thumb like that, always being emotionally beaten down..."
"I'll never live like that again.  I'm a king now."
"Yes you are."
"Manannan got what was coming to him!  I did that!  I did!"
"You showed him that you weren't the stupid slave he always said you were.  You showed him you were meant for more than cleaning chamber pots."
"And I am!  At the age of seventeen, I cast my first spell!  Not a drop of magical blood in my veins and I took down an ancient wizard!  I ended the reign of terror of an entire pirate ship from my prison in the hold!  I killed a three-headed dragon that not even my oh-so famous father could destroy.  I alone slew the dragon from the fire and mist and avenged the hundreds of Daventry countrymen who died at its hands!  I did!  Me!"
"You showed Manannan alright."
"This has nothing to do with Manannan!"
"Doesn't it?  An evil wizard treats you as a slave and berates you every waking moment and that didn't have an effect?  You didn't have anything to prove?"
"I have nothing left to prove.  My entire life has been one proof after another!  I saved an entire kingdom!  I own a genie!  I journeyed to the Realm of the Dead and returned with two lost souls!  No one else has done that!"
"I believe Conner..."
"Conner brought back a living girl!  I restored life to two dead people!  That backwater pretender did nothing that compares to me!  True heroism is beyond his reach!"
"Your achievements..."
"My achievements are legend!  I passed the portal and sought out death!  I alone went where death has trod and challenged!"
"Challenged?  Like Shahrazad?"
"Yes!  Wait...did she challenge death in those stories?"
"I guess in a metaphorical way.  She kept the king from killing her by telling one thousand and one stories, so in a way, that was challenging death.  I think she was included in the poem more for rhyme scheme though."
"Regardless, I challenged He Who Reins Beneath the Sod to spare not one, but two mortals' breath!"
"Quite an achievement."
"You know it is!  I made Death cry!  I saved the entire city of the Winged Ones from the minotaur and was the only man to ever have an audience with the oracle.  I intuitively solved the Cliffs of Logic!  My intuition is so incredible that I, at random, picked out a replica of the genie's lamp!  I'm practically superhuman!"
"Is that so?"
"I excel in all areas of my life!  I won the heart of Cassima by saving her from Mordack!"
"Your father saved her from..."
"I was there!  I faced down Mordack when I was no bigger than his hand!  I faced him down as he threatened to feed me to Manannan!"
"But you didn't actually save Cassima from Mordack, though."
"I got Cassima to fall in love with me then and there!  And then I went to her home and saved her again!"
"You talk as if Cassima is a trophy."
"Have you seen her?  I bet she's hotter than your girlfriend!"
"This is a contest isn't it?"
"There is no contest.  I've already won."
"And you really don't think any of this need to dominate, need to be seen as superior, need to have others envy you..."
"I don't need to have people envy me.  They just do.  It's pathetic, but it's an unavoidable side effect when you're a living legend with a beautiful wife."
"No one is perfect, Alexander."
"You would say that."
"Why?  Because I'm not perfect?"
"You said it, not me."
"And you are perfect?"
"Perfect is such a strong word.  But I've told you all I've done.  People want to be like me."
"And do you think that your new subjects will appreciate that, or will they see you as arrogant and..."
"What do the commoners know?  Did they defeat a wizard when they were a teenager?  Some people are born to lead, and I am a leader!  I once talked a woman into marrying a beast!"
"Well he was a prince, enchanted to look like..."
"He was a beast and she married him on my say so after only a minute of hearing me talk about roses!"
"Maybe she actually felt for the beast."
"Maybe I'm a born leader and where I go, others follow."
"It's important for you to believe that, isn't it?  It makes all the abuse go away.  You need to know that you're not the chamber pot cleaning slave."
"I don't need to believe it.  It's true.  It just is."
King Alexander of The Green Isles
Diagnosis: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I can't wait to see Rosella. "Sure, Lolotte. I'll bring you everything you ask for so you can use it for evil!" :P

Teehee, keep it up loving it!

Quote"That backwater pretender did nothing that compares to me!  True heroism is beyond his reach!"

<3

It's funny, but your characterization of Alexander strikes me as pretty inaccurate...He's a pretty selfless guy, after all.

Oh, I know.  Alexander's one of my favorite characters and KQ3 and 6 are my two favorites in the series.  Like I said, I just couldn't pick out any inconsistencies with him so I decided to write him as he would have turned out in real life.  Manannan was abusive in every way possible.  He was physically and mentally abusive every day of Alexander's life.  And he also kept Alexander from ever seeing another human for all his 18 years.  Technically speaking, that bar maid was probably the first woman Alex ever saw in his life.  And I doubt Manannan ever explained the facts of life to Alex, so that all would technically qualify as sexual abuse as well.  If someone went through that level of abuse and brainwashing every day for their entire childhood and adolescence, there would be a distinct possibility of developing narcissistic traits.  And if they then escaped that abuse and were placed in a life of privilege and power, well, narcissism becomes a guarantee.  So while I know that Alexander is selfless in the games, if Alexander were real, I'd bet money he'd be a raging narcissist.

Anyway, next up is Rosella.  I had a really tough time figuring out what was up with her, but sure enough she's got issues too!  Who knew?  Well, her behavior in KQ7 was definitely a clue...

"So, Rosella, apparently your parents have found your behavior somewhat disturbing."
"Apparently."
"You don't agree?"
"I wouldn't say it's disturbing."
"What would you call it?"
"Sometimes I can be...impulsive."
"Reckless?"
"Sometimes."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Well there was this time just recently when Mother was bothering me about suitors."
"Ah, this is right before Edgar kidnapped you and you saved Etheria."
"Right.  So Mother was bothering me about suitors and I kept telling her how boring they all were."
"Are they boring?"
"I thought so at the time."
"At the time?"
"Well, maybe I was exaggerating, but at the time, I felt that I deserved better.  I needed someone who was exciting and I wanted wild adventures.  I...uh...I think I actually broke out in song about it."
"You think you did?  So you're not sure?  Do you often break out in song?"
"Not usually.  It's all kind of hazy now, like things were moving too fast.  I guess I break into song when I feel...when I feel edgy or like I'm missing out.  I just have so much to think about and do and it...well that time it came out in song."
"Do you find that odd?"
"I do now.  Not at the time."
"Ok, well, what happened that day when Valanice was talking about potential husbands?"
"I saw this vision in the lake and a weird seahorse fairy shot out of the water and flew around me."
"That is..."
"Bizarre?"
"Very."
"Well, I jumped into the water."
"You saw a magical vision in the water and a strange creature, so you jumped, fully clothed, into a pond?"
"It seemed like the exciting thing to do."
"And would you say that qualified as impulsive or reckless?"
"I'd say that was impulsive.  I wasn't really in any danger and neither was anyone else."
"Any other times you were impulsive?"
"The entire time I was in that land, I just...I didn't feel like myself.  At least not in hindsight."
"How were you behaving differently from your usual self?"
"I was talking differently."
"How?"
"I was laughing more, being more childish.  I remember in Ooga Booga Land I kept saying 'eeeww' and 'blech!'  And also, the way I was talking...you know who I sounded like?  Those valley girls."
"You're talking about the accent from the people who live in the valley in western Daventry."
"Right.  They sound so stupid and superficial, but I was talking just like them!"
"And is that where the impulsivity ended?"
"No, there was other stuff as well.  I went through the Werewood Forest instead of going around it.  And there was this one stupid troll who was blocking a bridge and was demanding a toll, but I didn't even try to talk to him or bargain with him.  I just jumped in a cart and knocked him off the bridge.  It was really nasty of me, but I just felt like I needed to get past him!  And it was dangerous too!  I couldn't steer that cart!  I almost ended up in a lava flow!"
"Anything else?"
"At the end of it all, I agreed to date Edgar!"
"The man who kidnapped you?"
"And this wasn't the first time!  He had his fake mom kidnap me when I was in Tamir too!  That boy has issues, and I agreed to go out with him, just because it seemed exciting!"
"It certainly seems like your judgment was..."
"What?  Idiotic?"
"Somewhat impaired."
"Definitely."
"So we talked about the impulsive.  What about the reckless behaviors?"
"Well, you heard about that three-headed dragon some time ago?"
"I believe the whole countryside did, yes."
"It was demanding sacrifices and...this one day, I got it into my head that I should be the next sacrifice."
"I always wondered about that.  After Alexander came back, your parents made a decree that you had an intuition, that you knew you would be saved."
"That's the strange thing.  I was certain of that.  At the time, I knew I was untouchable, that the dragon couldn't hurt me.  I felt I was saving the entire land of Daventry and that I was invincible to the dragon's fire.  I thought that its reign would come to an end because of my sacrifice."
"So you thought that you could end the dragon by sacrificing yourself, even though it wasn't really a sacrifice because you didn't think the dragon could hurt you."
"It doesn't make sense, does it?  It did at the time, though.  What do you call that?"
"I believe the technical term is 'delusions of grandeur with ideas of reference.'"
"That sounds bad."
"It's treatable.  How long until you realized that you weren't immune to the dragon?"
"Not long after.  When Alexander arrived, I was coming down.  By the time I went to Tamir, I felt like myself again.  After that, though...I guess the whole ordeal with my father almost dying, and the undead, and killing Lolotte...I just got really down."
"So you find yourself feeling down in addition to these episodes where you get reckless, think you're invincible, act like a valley girl, and break into song randomly?"
"Pretty much.  I guess my parents are right to be a bit concerned."
"I suspect you already knew that.  You just didn't want to admit it to yourself."
"I think so too."
"I'd imagine these episodes also made it difficult to find a potential prince to marry.  Either you felt too miserable, or you felt no one was exciting enough."
"Exactly!  Can you fix it?"
"Well, I've heard that the gnomes that mine ore in the mountains sometimes dig up deposits of something called Lithium.  I know from the latest research that it's helped in cases like yours."
Princess Rosella of Daventry
Diagnosis: Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Manic

Quote from: Damar on September 09, 2010, 05:05:53 PM
Oh, I know.  Alexander's one of my favorite characters and KQ3 and 6 are my two favorites in the series.  Like I said, I just couldn't pick out any inconsistencies with him so I decided to write him as he would have turned out in real life.  Manannan was abusive in every way possible.  He was physically and mentally abusive every day of Alexander's life.  And he also kept Alexander from ever seeing another human for all his 18 years.  Technically speaking, that bar maid was probably the first woman Alex ever saw in his life.  And I doubt Manannan ever explained the facts of life to Alex, so that all would technically qualify as sexual abuse as well.  If someone went through that level of abuse and brainwashing every day for their entire childhood and adolescence, there would be a distinct possibility of developing narcissistic traits.  And if they then escaped that abuse and were placed in a life of privilege and power, well, narcissism becomes a guarantee.  So while I know that Alexander is selfless in the games, if Alexander were real, I'd bet money he'd be a raging narcissist.

I see where you're coming from. That makes sense, then.

So after the Princess Rosella, we move on to everyone's favorite tanner (I'm looking at you B'rrr!) Connor!  Connor has issues too.  Who'd have guessed?

"So, why don't you tell me why you're here, Connor?"
"I am most sure I do not know."
"Not the first clue?"
"I travel the countryside seeking to uphold the values of Truth, Light, and Order!  'Tis my purpose!"
"Alright, see, I happen to know that you know why you're here."
"I know not."
"You have to report to a probation officer every week."
"Aye!  I say sooth to you that..."
"Ok, I'm just going to stop you there.  Why are you talking like that?"
"This is my manner of speech, sure!"
"No it's not Connor."
"What manner of man be you that can sayeth how one should speak?"
"Well, I'll tell you, Connor.  No one else talks like you.  The royal family themselves speak colloquially.  So either you naturally have an outdated speech pattern, in which case I'd love to hear how that happened, or you talk that way to screw with people."
"And tell me, good sir, why would I do such a thing?"
"Because it amuses you.  So you can either come in here for regular appointments, as mandated by your probation officer, and mess around, or you can talk normally and maybe we can actually have a conversation."
"I say to you..."
"And may I add that if you don't take these sessions seriously, I will report that to your PO."
"Snitch."
"Alright, so we've moved past the language issue I see."
"Of course we have."
"So for the record, why do you speak like that?"
"Because it's funny, that's why.  People don't know how to act when you talk that way."
"You like to watch them squirm."
"Maybe."
"A little aggressive, wouldn't you say?"
"If you say so.  It's just fun to me."
"Like the assaults?"
"Please.  Assault is so..."
"You've gotten in numerous fights, many while intoxicated at the local tavern.  You're constantly armed..."
"A man doesn't have the right to arm himself?  I am the Champion of Truth, Light, and Order!  The Champion Eternal!"
"I'm aware of your title.  It is certainly fortunate you were saved from the cataclysm."
"I would have made a gorgeous statue, don't get me wrong, but then who would have saved the world?"
"That's not exactly what I meant.  Being the Champion Eternal gave you the opportunity to indulge in your appetite for death, destruction, and weapons."
"Exaggerate much?"
"So what was the first thing you did when the cataclysm hit?"
"Checked out my stone girlfriend."
"And the second thing?"
"I went in her house and took some money and supplies."
"So you leered at your frozen girlfriend then looted her house.  What was the third thing you did?"
"I...you're going to twist this to make me the bad guy."
"Try me."
"I beat a goblin to death."
"What did you use?"
"My hands."
"Ah, I see.  I'm noticing a pattern here."
"And what would that be?"
"Disrespect for the boundaries of others, thrill of violence, and reveling in the pain of others."
"Really?"
"You're smiling at that.  You're telling me you don't love the violence?"
"There is something about it, isn't there?"
"The power."
"Yeah..."
"So after beating the goblin to death, what did you do to escalate the thrill?"
"I got my dagger."
"And what did you do with it?"
"I stabbed some goblins and killed my neighbors' chickens.  And I cut their pig in half."
"Why?"
"To get experience."
"Experience for what?"
"Experience for life."
"Life is about the violence, then?"
"Life is about taking what you can get.  Lucreto knew that, but he didn't count on me."
"And what did all that experience help you do?"
"A lot.  One of the best thrills I got came in Daventry.  I snuck up on this spriggan from above, jumped down on him, and slit his throat before he even knew what happened!"
"And you also looted everyone else's houses too."
"Of course!  I needed the money!"
"Why did you need money?"
"To buy things.  That's how money works.  Don't you know that?"
"You're getting sarcastic with me about this?"
"It was a stupid question.  I needed money to buy supplies and weapons."
"I'm not really buying that.  Maybe down the line you found people still alive who had weapons stores, but we're talking about you in Daventry.  Everyone you knew was turned to stone.  There were no stores open.  Yet you took everyone's money.  You took people's gloves and armor.  You took their food and potions.  You took everything they owned!"
"I was the only person left alive."
"And you celebrated by going down to the tavern and drinking all the ale you could."
"Tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing."
"I can't help but think that it would have taken me a while to adjust to the fact that everyone I knew was essentially dead and the world was overrun with monsters."
"I guess we're lucky you weren't the Champion Eternal, then."
"You don't really have a connection with anyone, do you?  I mean, you can do without people."
"I deal with people all the time."
"Right, when they're of use to you.  Outside of that, there's no connection.  And even when you are with others, there's not really any emotional interaction, is there?"
"You have to look out for yourself."
"And you certainly did.  You wiped out all the monsters in Daventry and broke into Castle Daventry."
"I always wanted to do that."
"Then you routed the entire skeleton army of the Dimension of Death."
"They had it coming."
"You eliminated the wildlife of an entire swamp, chopped down a forest of sentient trees, and decapitated a swamp witch."
"That was a lot of fun.  Oh, and I cut off a henchman's hand!  You should have heard him scream..."
"And you took the hand, didn't you?"
"I needed it to open a door."
"You didn't know that at the time, Connor.  You took the hand as a trophy."
"It was a good kill."
"You see yourself as a hunter, don't you?  There's power in that."
"Some people are hunters."
"And some are prey?"
"The hunters always need prey."
"And the community of Fire Dwarves you slaughtered?  They were prey too?"
"Now that...that was a challenge.  It was a very special moment when I cut down the last of them.  All of those stubby little creatures were dead.  I cut them all in half."
"It sounds like you kept escalating the thrill of the kill.  You slit a spriggan's throat.  You cut off a henchman's hand.  You decapitated a witch.  You cut an entire population of dwarves in half."
"So are you judging me?  Is that it?"
"I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from.  Your PO is concerned about your continuing violent behavior.  It seems to me that you had a history of violence, but this whole business with the Mask of Eternity gave you a chance to bring that violence to the forefront and have it escalate completely unchecked by society.  And now, Truth, Light, and Order are restored and you still want to escalate.  You still want to fight."
"I needed to fight to restore the Mask."
"The royal family of Daventry has shown again and again that you can journey and face off against evil without resorting to violence.  All you need are your wits."
"You want to know how a battle between your wits and my sword ends?  You get cut.  That's how."
"Of course you'd say that.  It doesn't really seem you've tried any other way."
"Oh really?"
"No.  You had the chance to relax and regain your strength in the valley with the standing stones, before you transported to the Realm of the Sun.  You could have explored the area, had some quiet time.  I'm sure anyone would have taken some respite.  But you ran right to the Realm of the Sun to fight some more.  You have the chance not to fight, but you never take it."
"Why should I?"
"I don't think you're motivated to.  You like the violence too much.  In fact, you really seemed to like the violence a lot.  Your dalliances with the Sylph and the queen of the Snow Nymphs in the midst of violence and strife show that for you, violence and pleasure are interchangeable.  And both those instances occurred at the most violent part of your journey.  You slaughtered an army of skeletons and wiped out a community of Fire Dwarves prior to each liaison."
"Yeah that was pretty fun.  You haven't lived until you get a Sylph to..."
"I really don't need the details, Connor."
"You know you do."
"And what about your girlfriend?"
"Whatever.  Sarah knows she's my bottom wench.  But a man needs a little something on the side."
"Sarah wouldn't mind?  So you told her about the Sylph and..."
"Nah."
"Ah, so she wouldn't really understand?"
"You know women.  Always making a big deal over everything."
"You don't really seem to have any empathy towards anyone else..."
"What does empathy get you?  Do you think I would have been successful restoring the Mask if I felt empathy?  No, this was about strength!"
"And now you're mandated to therapy because you can't stop fighting with people outside the tavern.  So how's that strength working for you, Connor?"
"So what, I need to try being empathetic?"
"Well, if you've never felt empathy before, then I'd say that goal is beyond your reach right now.  But your guiding star has been what's in your best interest.  I'd say it's time to reassess whether violence is really in your best interest or whether it's holding you back and impacting your freedom."
"And you think it is?"
"You tell me, Connor.  What happens if you don't report to your PO this week?"
"I see your point."
Connor McLyrr
Diagnosis: Antisocial Personality Disorder

That is perfect!!!

These are hilarious  ;D

Quote
"So you leered at your frozen girlfriend then looted her house.  What was the third thing you did?"
"I...you're going to twist this to make me the bad guy."
"Try me."
"I beat a goblin to death."
"What did you use?"
"My hands."

XB

XD Poor Connor. I don't think he chose to be in the game he was... :P

You should do the villains after this!

Quote"I really don't think anyone likes Conner, but still, that's a risk you have to take."

"...True heroism is beyond his reach!"

"...then I'd say that goal is beyond your reach right now."

Also, I'm noticing a theme with Connor and reaching... must be those short stubby 3D arms. ;P

And now from one of the most reviled characters we make a switch to one of the most...um...yeah, ok, this one is pretty reviled too.  Probably more so than Connor.  This one was just too easy.  I mean seriously, you don't need to be a mental health professional to diagnose this guy.

"So...I have to admit, I've focused mainly on human psychology.  I don't really know much about the pathology of owls."
"Oooh, that's alright.  I'm more human than not.  I'm a highly educated owl!"
"Educated owl?"
"Oooh, you look like you're about to laugh!"
"Not at all.  Ok, so what seems to be the problem?"
"People say I worry too much."
"And do you?"
"Why not at all.  Unless there's a witch nearby!  Or a wizard.  Or a POISONOUS snake.  Or a nasty dog.  Or bandits.  Or an innkeeper.  Or a desert.  Or a POISONOUS snake.  Or gypsies..."
"Ok, so it seems..."
"I'm not done yet.  Or a basement.  Or harpies.  Or a POISONOUS snake.  Or mountains.  Or wolves.  Or..."
"Ok, why don't we leave it there for now?  So you don't think you worry too much?"
"Oooh, no.  I don't like it when people say I worry.  It makes me..."
"Worry?"
"Oooh...I...I suppose so."
"Ok, then why don't we just go with the supposition that you worry a lot?  How do you deal with that worry?"
"Well, I suppose I just don't go around those things."
"I'd imagine that makes it difficult to do things like buy groceries in town..."
"Oooh, I don't go into town.  I had a nasty run-in with a dog and..."
"So you don't go into town?"
"No."
"How about a nice relaxing time in the forest?"
"Oooh, I don't like the look of some of those forests.  Besides, they come to close to the desert.  Most people avoid the desert because there are bandits out there!"
"Of course you could avoid pretty much any danger by flying."
"Maybe, but I'd rather not risk it!"
"Is it really that much of a risk?  If there was any danger, you'd be safely above it.  Plus, it's not like we're talking about you flying into the Old Forest.  Just flying around the main forest.  And anyway, isn't the witch gone now?"
"But there are elves in the Old Forest now.  They've overrun the place!  Tiny, shoe-making elves!"
"And you..."
"I don't trust 'em!"
"Is there anyone you do trust?"
"Crispin."
"But you can't stay around Crispin forever.  Eventually you have to deal with someone else."
"Do I?"
"Well, where do you go for relaxation?"
"I like to stay in Crispin's house."
"Ah.  Is Crispin alright with that?"
"Oooh, I'm sure he is."
"Do you pay him rent?"
"I...I don't really have an income."
"Have you ever held down a job?"
"I...I really don't like to leave Crispin's house.  Bad things happen out there.  One time, one time I went out and I was witness to an evil wizard stealing a castle and Crispin sent me out all around the country!  I was worried sick having to watch that king!"
"Really?"
"Yes!  There were times, especially when he was walking too close to the edge of a cliff, I was so worried for his safety!"
"Didn't you try to warn him?  Maybe he didn't know he was getting to close."
"I was so worried, I don't think I could have managed to say anything until after he would have fallen!  Still, it doesn't matter because he got through everything alright."
"Did you try to warn him about anything?"
"Yes!  I warned him about the Old Forest!  And about the Inn!  And about the desert!"
"So when you were in these places with him..."
"Oooh, I didn't go in with him."
"So you just warned him of danger, then stayed where it was safe?"
"Yes.  It was safer not following him!"
"Ah, I see.  So was there any time when you actually went into a dangerous situation to warn him?"
"Yes, when Crispin sent me into Mordack's castle to warn Graham about...oooh...something.  I don't quite remember what it was I meant to tell him.  But I tried to warn him!"
"So you conquered your fear!  That's a good!  What happened?"
"Mordack killed me."
"Killed...you..."
"Shot me right in the chest.  I'd barely recovered from the harpies tearing me to pieces and Mordack just..."
"Ok, so it's clear that you have some trauma associated with leaving Crispin's house."
"I don't like to leave Crispin's."
"How difficult was it to make it here today?"
"Oooh, I didn't really want to come.  There are crazy people here! "
"Actually the mentally ill are no more dangerous than the population at large.  Really, you're more likely to be robbed by bandits than be attacked by someone with mental illness.  That's a true statistic.  It just seems like the mentally ill are dangerous because the media reports those stories more often."
"But I don't trust 'em!"
"But you're here now, aren't you?"
"Oooh, but so many bad things can happen out here!  I'd feel much safer at Crispin's!  I think I should go back!"
"You have to leave Crispin's house at some point.  You have your whole life to live."
"Oooh, I don't know...I really don't think I want to stay here anymore.  I...just want to go back to Crispin's."
"What about these therapy appointments?"
"Oooh, you can do therapy if you want...but I'll wait for you at Crispin's!"
Cedric
Diagnosis: 1. Generalized Anxiety Disorder
2. Agoraphobia

XD XD

Lol, this is spot on. I love how everything Cedric says is prefaced with "Oooh"; I can practically hear him saying that over and over.

hahah, very nice one  :P

haha, these are great, Damar!

Yeah, Cedric was a pretty obvious one.  And I actually had to cut back the number of times he said, "oooh!"  When I first started writing it, it was literally ever line.  I had to hold myself back, even though I snickered each time I wrote it.  I still do.  "Oooh!"  Anyway, next character is up!

"Alright, so Shamir, it's been a while since I've seen you"
"Yes, it has been.  I see that your office is back in order."
"It took a while to get the smell of burning out and to repair the damage."
"I do want to apologize for the dazzle ball I threw last time.  The mint just takes over and..."
"I'm fully aware.  Still, what you did last time caused significant damage and under normal circumstances I wouldn't have reopened your case.  However King Alexander was quite insistent."
"My master will always have his way!"
"Well as I said he...wait...he always gets his way?  Why is that?"
"Because I grant his wishes!"
"So when he wanted you to...did...Shamir, I need for you to be honest with me."
"Of course!"
"Did you rob me of my free will so your master could have his way?"
"What?"
"I know you understand the question, Shamir.  Did you use your powers to strip me of my free will?"
"My master is very persuasive and I'm sure you simply made the choice yourself."
"Maybe I did.  Well why don't we move on to...wait...are you making me move on to another topic?  You were evasive and now I'm moving on.  Seriously, do I still have my free will?"
"I don't understand.  What you do is..."
"Ok, look, we need to have some ground rules in here.  First off, no powers.  I can't be second guessing myself and the therapy will be meaningless if you potentially can control what I say and do.  Second, no dazzle ball.  Third, you cannot, cannot present here when high on mint.  I will not do therapy when you are impaired.  Agreed?"
"Anything!"
"Ok, why don't we start with your relationship with King Alexander."
"King Alexander is my master!  He owns my lamp!"
"So you don't own your own property?"
"King Alexander is my master!"
"Yes I know.  But surely you consider yourself a sentient being with all the basic rights endowed by nature."
"King Alexander is..."
"Is your master, but is..."
"He owns my lamp!"
"Yes, but you are still your own person, correct?"
"It is my purpose to grant the wishes my master commands."
"Do you anticipate wishes, or does he have to command them?"
"What?"
"I'm trying to gauge how enmeshed you are with King Alexander's life.  Do you dote on him every day, making his wishes a reality as he thinks them, or do you wait, your days made up of anticipation that Alexander may come to you and command you do something?"
"I...I used to simply read his thoughts, but he found that..."
"Unsettling?"
"There was an incident where I made one of his thoughts a reality and it led to a serious disagreement between the king and queen.  I made several duplicates of Cassima as Alexander imagined so that..."
"Ok, I really, absolutely, whole-heartedly don't need any details on that.  At all.  Ever.  Let's move on."
"As you wish."
"So you originally doted on Alexander to grant his wishes but now you wait for his commands.  Do you notice the pattern there?"
"That Alexander is my master?"
"The pattern is that..."
"Because he owns my lamp."
"Ok, but that's not the pattern."
"It's not?"
"No."
"But..he's my...master..."
"You're very concrete, aren't you?  You have difficulty with abstract ideas and concepts."
"Master Alexander..."
"Ok, but getting back to the pattern of anticipating versus waiting for King Alexander's wishes.  The pattern here is that in both cases, your life revolves on Alexander and seeking validation from him.  Your identity is tied to him."
"Of course.  He is my master."
"You keep saying that, but what does it actually mean?"
"He owns my lamp."
"No, I mean, what does that really mean?  You are your own person.  Why must genies follow their master?  Is it a written law somewhere?"
"I...it's what I do."
"Right, but do you even know any other genies?"
"No.  I'm the only one."
"So you're the only one you've ever met."
"No, I'm the only one."
"Alright, I understand that it appears to you that you're the only one, but you don't exist in a vacuum.  There are other genies somewhere.  King Graham himself once...no, twice encountered genies."
"But I've never seen them."
"Right, but just because you've not seen other genies doesn't mean that they don't exist.  Again, you're being very concrete...but we're getting sidetracked.  The fact is that you've never met any other genies."
"I'm the only one."
"Right.  Ok, so you're completely isolated.  So how do we know that the law of the land for genies is whoever owns your lamp owns you?  This could be seen as a pathology.  Particularly since you tend to take on attributes of your so-called master in order to endear yourself to him."
"That's...disturbing."
"More disturbing than the implication that an entire species is hard-wired to be subservient?"
"But...Alexander..."
"Do you really obey everything Alexander says?"
"Of course!  He's my master!  He owns..."
"Ok, but here's the thing: I know that you don't actually obey everything your master says."
"I always obey!"
"And what about the mint?"
"Mmmm...mint..."
"If you had mint right now, you'd eat it, wouldn't you?"
"I'd...no, I'd call my sponsor."
"Your sponsor is King Alexander."
"He's my master!  And my sponsor!"
"Alright, but again, I'm not sure you could resist the mint.  And I know that Alexander has ordered you not to eat mint."
"It's his command!  I wouldn't eat mint!"
"Right, but you've shown up here high off mint in the past.  And didn't your last master order you not to eat mint either?  But you did.  Given the chance you always did."
"I always obey my master!"
"That's the thing though!  You don't!  If your master orders you...no, better yet, if your master wishes for you not to eat mint, you still are capable of eating mint!  And you've done it in the past, in direct violation of the wish!  Now that points to free will on your part, not a fatalistic rule of law that genies must follow!  My theory here is that if you have a need to attach yourself to a strong presence and follow them in order to seek validation and purpose.  You don't feel capable of making choices on your own, so you rely on their wishes to guide your own purpose in life.  And you take on attributes of your so-called master in order to enmesh yourself further.  But it's not completely enough, which is why the mint..."
"Mint..."
"You self-medicate with the mint.  You don't feel capable of making choices, you have difficulty understanding and processing the world around you, so you use the mint to make yourself feel good.  To numb the..."
"Mmmm...mint..."
"Ok, I'm going to cut off there and point out that you seem to be having very strong cravings for mint right now.  Now how can we challenge these cravings?"
"Delicious mint."
"You're glorifying the high and that's dangerous Shamir.  Let's talk about..."
"I...I have to go...I...my master is calling me!"  (Shamir vanishes in a puff of smoke.)
"Shamir!  This is unacceptable behavior!  We agreed you wouldn't use powers in these sessions!  We won't make any progress if...if you don't...you're not listening, are you?  You're not anywhere remotely near this office anymore.  I'm still billing for this time, Shamir!  Your master wanted you to show for these sessions and...  (Shamir reappears.)
"I was...I wassss wrong!  My m...ashter wasn't (hic!) call-ing me.  But I...I am (hic!) back and we can continued!"
"You've been eating mint, Shamir."
"What?  No!  I (hic!) hasn't...had any mints for...I have a shponsher and I...I've been clean froms mints for two or three...four...for while."
"You've been clean from mint for two or three or four whiles now?"
"Yesh."
"Ok, Shamir, I think we're done here.  You are clearly impaired..."
"You're...re...clearly impaired!"
"Please leave my office now."
"I hasn't been using (hic!) mint!  My mashter tol...tolded me...told me no mints and I hasn't used mints!"
"Leave my office."
"You leave my office!"
"Shamir, you're clearly self-medicating for some deeper issues, but until you stop using, we'll never get to them.  Now leave this office before I call security."
"You...you (hic!) calling sec...securtity?  You know what I do to securtity?"
"Shamir..."
"I look at your securtity and say, 'Razzle dazzle...'"
"Shamir, I'm warning you!  No dazzle ball spells!  Not in this office!"
"'Send a small...I mean a ball of light...'"
"Shamir Shamazel, hold your spells!"
"Send (hic!) a...ball (hic!)..."
"You will not cast that dazzle ball spell!"
"Yesh I will!  I will send a ball of light..."
"You will not send that ball of light!  You will not send that ball of light to frazzle!"
"YES I WILL!  I WILL SEND THAT..."
"YOU WILL NOT!  DO NOT SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT TO FRAZZLE!"
"I WILL SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT TO FRAZZLE!"
"DO NOT SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT..."
"I WILL SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT!"
"WE JUST PAINTED IN HERE AND YOU WILL NOT SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT TO FRAZZLE!"
"'Send a ball of light...'"
"DON'T YOU DO IT!"
"'To frazzle!'"
Shamir Shamazel
Diagnosis: 1. Substance Dependence
2. Dependent Personality Disorder
3. Borderline Intellectual Functioning

These just get better and better!  ;D Absolutely hilarious!

Is it weird that I can hear the dialogue in my head? "Send a small... I mean a ball...."

Quote from: darthkiwi on September 16, 2010, 03:29:39 PM
These just get better and better!  ;D Absolutely hilarious!

Is it weird that I can hear the dialogue in my head? "Send a small... I mean a ball...."

I agree! Each one is better than the last! Shamir's is hilarious!

best so far, I agree.

I WANT MORE! SHOW ME MORE! lol seriously, this is some top notch stuff! I would definitely keep writing this and saving it all.

Quote from: darthkiwi on September 16, 2010, 03:29:39 PM
Is it weird that I can hear the dialogue in my head? "Send a small... I mean a ball...."

Not at all, because Shamir actually does say that in KQ6.  Right before he blasts himself, cuz you got him high.  Don't do mint, kids!  I try to add in a few lines that the characters actually say because I find it amusing (probably more so than it actually is.)

And yeah, I've got them all saved in a word document, one right after the other (and a couple in my head still waiting to be written down).  I just sit down, write one, read it over, and post it here.  It's my way of unwinding after a crazy day.  And speaking of crazy, here's the next one!  I didn't think I'd be able to fit this next diagnosis into a King's Quest game, but sure enough, one of the characters showed the symptoms, so there you go!

"Alright, Mister...I don't have a name listed here."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"Do you have a name?"
"Would you like a new lamp?  I will need an old lamp in trade!"
"Ok, why don't we move past the name issue and discuss this lamp fixation?  Apparently you've been sent to treatment due to the fact that you sit in town all day and night yelling about your lamps."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"Wait, I thought you wanted old lamps?"
"I do!  You can have your pick of my new lamps, but I will need an old lamp in trade!"
"Right...it's just that your call makes it sound like you have old lamps that you will trade for new lamps.  I mean, I see now what you're saying, but wouldn't the call be clearer if you said, 'New lamps for old?'"
"I have fine new lamps!"
"Ok, I guess the grammar isn't really important.  So...isn't it a rather bad business?  Taking old lamps and giving new ones in trade?"
"Well, there's always the chance I'd find a genie!  Why, if I had a genie, I'd be richer than a king!  Besides, there's always a roaring business in antique illuminaries!"
"Really?  Because I don't think anyone has ever seen you selling an old lamp.  It's always the new..."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS..."
"Ok, you really don't have to yell!  There's no one here with old lamps."
"That's an old lamp over there!"
"Yes I have a lamp and...what are you...please don't rub my lamps, sir..."
"DRAT!  ANOTHER DUD!"
"You are really fixated on finding a genie, aren't you?"
"If I had a genie, I'd be richer than a king!"
"How long have you been trading these new lamps?"
"Oh, many years."
"And you clearly haven't found a genie yet."
"I know I will one day!  I can hear the genie calling me!"
"Can you?  As in you want the genie so much you can just feel him call you, or as in you can hear the genie calling to you as clearly as I'm talking?"
"The genie is calling me!  I must find his lamp!  OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"You don't get much business, though, do you?  From what I hear, people tend to shy away from you.  And the other shopkeepers..."
"The other shopkeepers conspire!  They want the genie for themselves!  Always watching from their windows!  Always watching!"
"They claim that you behave erratically."
"They conspire!  They want me out of the way!"
"They also say that you sit in the dirt all day and never seem to change your clothes.  And I can see for myself right now that you've not had any dental work done in some time.  Those teeth look painful!"
"When I find a genie, I'll have teeth like a king!"
"Right.  When's the last time you got a shower?"
"No time!  The genie is calling me!  I must find old lamps!"
"And those new lamps look expensive.  It seems to me that you must be spending all your money on new lamps for trade."
"I have fine new lamps!"
"Right, but you get only a small amount of money from the Green Isles welfare fund.  Does it all go to lamps?  What about food?"
"When I find a genie, I will eat like a king!"
"I see from your background information that you've been committed several times due to erratic, disorganized behavior as well as a perceived inability to meet your basic daily needs."
"Conspirers!  Conspirers everywhere!  Trying to steal my rightful genie by locking me up!"
"Let me see here, according to the documentation during those inpatient stays...you...ok, you apparently didn't give them your name there either.  But you receive welfare so you must have a name and identifying information, so if you could just let me know what to call you, I'd..."
"You may call me Aladdin!"
"That is clearly an alias."
"My name isn't important.  All that matters is my lamps!  Look at my fine new lamps!"
"They are certainly fine new lamps.  But fine new lamps are not the issue here.  My main concern is that you're not caring for yourself by making sure to keep up with hygiene and eat regularly.  Everything seems to focus on finding a genie and trading lamps.  And this constant fear that people are watching, trying to steal a genie out from under you..."
"I hear the genie!  I know he's out there!  Always calling for me, never sleeping!  I just need to find his lamp!  OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"We need to ensure that you're safe and that you don't represent a threat to yourself.  If you can give me some assurance that you have enough food or that..."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"Are you listening to me?"
"Aaah!  Take your pick of my new lamps, but I will need an old lamp in trade!  Just not that one over there!  NOT THE DUD!  The genie will be mine!  NEW LAMPS FOR OLD!  NEW LAMPS...FOR OLD!"
Lamp Trader (Patient #24601)
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia, Chronic, Paranoid Type

LOL! I really like this character and diagnosis.

Quote“Well, there’s always the chance I’d find a genie!  Why, if I had a genie, I’d be richer than a king!  Besides, there’s always a roaring business in antique illumini!”

I think it's "antique illuminaries".

I think it was "antique aluminaes" or "aluminas" because he's talking about antique aluminum antiques. Get it? So the word is whatever the latin plural of aluminums is.



OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!

Let's set the record straight.

Antique illuminaries (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTACXOLYyUg#t=5m1s)

I knew I should have done a Youtube search!  That's what I get for being lazy, I guess.  Still, I swear the guy sounded like he said "illumini" which totally isn't a word (though it sounds like it could be).  Ah well.

I don't mean to cut you down - I just wanted to point it out for future reference, because the lamp peddler is one of my favorite characters in the KQ series.

No worries, and believe me, I know you're not cutting me down.  And now I will use my powers to...

Well, check it out!  The lamp trader has apparently corrected himself!  How did that happen?

Ahem. The lamp peddler...

Listen to the original voice in the game. It sounds like aluminays but sure enough the text is that other word. Gotta love Tony Jay's peddler voice.

Once again, an outstanding job!

It never occurred to me that the trader (yes, I say trader!) was voiced by Tony Jay.  But of course I hear it now.  The guy did that character, the Arch Druid, Gate, and Saladin!  Now that's some talent right there!  And his voice is just so creepy when he wants it to be!

Anyway, since I'm waiting for the download, might as well post another one.  Since Rosella requested some villains, I figured I'd give that a try.  (And yes, I'll get to Valanice too at some point just to get all the royals in there.)  A few of them are tough (Lollote, Manannan, and Alhazred) because they're just straight up sociopaths.  Fortunately, other villains have a touch more of the crazy in them.  Like this one...

"Alright, Miss Malicia, I understand that the Guild of Evil Fairies is concerned about some behaviors you've been exhibiting."
"Those awful, evil people are just jealous of my schemes!"
"Well, I don't think they have any problems with your schemes, and I'd just as soon not know about them.  I'm mandated to report any activity that would lead to the deaths of others..."
"You'd never leave this office alive if you told on me!"
"Like I said, I'd just as soon not know about your schemes.  But evidently your peers are concerned about you and...ok...I'm just going to have to break there and ask what your dog is doing."
"My pwecious wittle Cuddles is just making a little pwesent in the corner!  Yes he is!  Yes he is!"
"Not on the carpet!"
"My Cuddles is leaving a present for you!  Are you saying you don't like my Cuddles?"
"I...it's just...that's a new carpet and he's...is he chewing on the walls now?"
"Aw!  My wittle Cuddles is hungwy, isn't him?"
"Actually eating nonedible objects, or pica, is a sign of severe developmental issues and..."
"Are you insulting my pwecious Cuddles?  Are you saying him's not smart?"
"Why don't we just get back to the main topic?  So your peers are concerned about your actions and how you present yourself."
"They're just jealous."
"In particular they're worried that you have body image issues and they feel that your look is, and I quote, 'creepy.'"
"They wish they were as devious and vicious as me!"
"I'm sure they do.  But the fact is that the Guild of Evil Fairies, who until a few years ago was headed up by none other than Lollote, who is legendary for her evil, finds you creepy.  They think that your attachment to your dog is bizarre and that your body image issues make them all look bad."
"Are you saying I'm ugly?"
"No, no, not at all.  I'm simply pointing out that your peers feel you have body image issues.  And you do seem to be wearing a lot of makeup.  I believe some of your enemies have made snide comments about you using a trowel to..."
"I'll kill them!"
"I have no doubt you already have killed most of your enemies.  But physical appearance seems to be of paramount importance to you.  May I ask you a personal question?"
"If you must."
"How old are you?"
"I must admit that only a few short years ago I hit the thirty year milestone.  It was quite an ordeal and I don't admit it to many people but..."
"Ok, I'm going to cut you off there.  I know you're older than thirty."
"How dare you!  Are you implying..."
"It's clear by your makeup that you want to look thirty, but there are two very obvious reasons why you are very much over thirty."
"And they are?"
"Well first, fairies are close to immortal, so the odds that you were actually born about thirty years ago is...well...almost nonexistent."
"But not impossible.  And the second reason?"
"Because you're most famous for leading an insurrection against King Oberon and Queen Titania and being banished from Etheria over a century ago."
"They exaggerate!"
"If you say so.  What I find interesting, though, is that even though fairies, and by extension you, are nearly immortal and therefore age has no meaning, you still cling to the insistence that you are just over thirty years old.  And your makeup, as I said, is obviously applied fairly liberally to make you look younger.  What would happen if you took the makeup off?"
"I don't want them to see my face!  The makeup covers my face!"
"Which is another interesting point.  The makeup quite literally covers your face.  All of it."
"Your point?"
"Queen Titania is your sister, correct?"
"I asked if you had a point."
"Well, Queen Titania has green skin.  You apparently don't."
"And?"
"Well, I don't pretend to understand the subtleties of fairy genetics, but that doesn't make any sense whatsoever.  There are only two explanations I can come up with.  One is that you and Titania aren't really related and the second is that you do have green skin.  You cover it all up with makeup."
"And which explanation do you think is the right one, smart boy?"
"I think you have green skin and you cover it with makeup.  In fact, I believe you cover all your skin with makeup."
"Do you?  And why is that?"
"Because your hand is smudging makeup on my arm chair right now."
"You think you're so clever, don't you?"
"I wouldn't presume.  But I think this demonstrates the negative view you hold of yourself.  If I may ask, what is your opinion of your physical appearance?"
"I need the makeup!"
"Not really an answer, but alright.  Now, I also notice that you wear very bulky, billowy gowns.  Other fairies wear much tighter clothing.  Titania does..."
"Yes, of course!  The beautiful sister can do nothing wrong!  Titania is so perfect!  Titania has perfect features!  Everyone loves Titania and everyone is disgusted by me!"
"Is that how you see yourself?  As disgusting?"
"What was your point?"
"Well, my point is that your style of dress is more bulky than any other fairy, whether they were good or evil.  Even Lollote wore that evening dress/cloak of death despite the fact that no one wanted to see her flaunt what she had.  But you wear giant gowns.  Why is that?"
"I need the gowns."
"You want to keep your body hidden?"
"Don't try to get inside my head.  You'd never make it out alive!"
"Then why don't you tell me what's going on inside your head and save me the trip?  How about those stockings you're wearing?  They look...uncomfortable."
"They shape my legs."
"They look rough enough to scrub tarnished bronze.  I have no doubt that they forcibly shape your legs.  But do you feel you actually need the shaping?  What is your perception of yourself?"
"I wear what I need to in order to go out in public."
"So you keep your face and all of your exposed skin hidden with makeup meant to make you look younger and less green, you cover your body with massive gowns, and even though your legs are hidden by those gowns when standing up, you still shape them with horrifyingly uncomfortable stockings that could be used as an instrument of torture?"
"I wouldn't go out any other way."
"You hate the way you look without all those trappings, don't you?"
"I hate everything."
"I have no doubt.  But you really despise yourself.  And I'm willing to bet that's why you dote on Cuddles...who is...who is right now chewing on my Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.  That is fantastic."
"Don't say an unkind word towards my Cuddles!  Anything him wants, him gets!  And that includes your awful little book!"
"Right.  Ok, so I'm thinking that these body image issues are a major reason why you dote on Cuddles.  He gives you the one outlet of adoration and positive affirmation in your life.  You don't feel you can give it to yourself, so you give it to Cuddles by proxy."
"Very interesting.  But none of that will matter when I blow that nasty old Etheria right out of the sky!"
"No, I said I didn't want to know!  I don't want to know!  I'm not listening!  NOT LISTENING!  YOU CAN'T KILL ME IF I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"
Malicia
Diagnosis: Body Dysmorphic Disorder

XD ROFLOL I COULD HEAR MALICIA SAYING EVERYTHING! ESPECIALLY CUDDLES! Fantastic job!

So, next up is another villain.  And the truth is, I really don't think this one is much of an exaggeration.  Playing the game, this guy really seemed to be a hothead and, let's face it, not the brightest wand in the cheese generator.  He's just so angry.  So very angry...

"Alright, Mordack, so I'm assuming that you're here for grief and loss counseling?"
"My brother is a cat, he's not dead!"
"Oh.  Ok, then.  Fair enough.  Then..."
"Wait, how did you know something happened to my brother?
"Oh, I have some friends in Llewdor and they mentioned that the wizard on the mountain seemed to have gone missing and recently his mansion burned down, so I just figured he'd died.  And it's pretty well known that you're his brother so..."
"Well he's not dead!  He's just a cat!  And he insists on coughing up hairballs everywhere.  Just like the older brother to keep torturing me..."
"Very passive-aggressive to be sure.  So, if you're not here for grief issues, then why are you here?"
"My master said I'm too impulsive."
"Your master?"
"The head of the Society of the Black Cloaks."
"And what is the Society of the...you know what?  I don't want to know."
"A wise decision."
"So do you believe you're too impulsive?"
"They had it coming!"
"Who did?"
"All of them.  Gwydion, his family, Cassima, all of them!"
"By Gwydion, I'm assuming you mean Prince Alexander.  So why don't we start with him and with the royal family?"
"What do you mean, start with them?"
"What did you do and why did they have it coming?"
"Are you kidding?  That swine Gwydion turned my brother into a cat!"
"You mean Prince Alexander."
"That swine's name is Gwydion!"
"So you found out your brother had been turned into a cat.  Then what did you do?"
"I burned down his mansion!"
"Ah.  That makes...sense.  Why?"
"Because my brother was a cat!"
"And for that you burned down the house and all your brother's possessions?  All his keepsakes and anything else that you might have wanted?  Like his wand?  Or his books?  I understand you have quite the library.  You didn't even want your brother's books?"
"Now I do."
"But not at the time?"
"I was mad!"
"Alright, so what did you do after you burned down your brother's mansion?"
"I went to Daventry and stole the royal family and their castle!  And then I shrank them in my lab!"
"You...uh...ok, I really wish I hadn't heard that."
"If you report me to the authorities, I'll kill you and them.  I'll burn this whole place to the ground.  I'll turn your world into a graveyard the likes of which have never been seen!  You'll all die, you swine!"
"Ok, and I really wish I hadn't heard that."
"Maybe I'll just kill you now!"
"Ok, why don't we just slow down and go back to the topic at hand and maybe do some deep breathing.  So you stole the castle and all of the royal family?"
"Not all.  The king wasn't inside."
"Oh...so...you didn't want the king?"
"Of course I did!  I want that swine Gwydion to see his entire family suffer!"
"So you didn't check to make sure the whole family was inside the castle?"
"How was I to know?"
"Well, you could have camped out, watching the castle.  Or waited until night when you knew everyone was inside.  Did you at least wait to make sure no one was watching you?"
"I was mad!  Those swine needed to pay!"
"So you want revenge, but not if it takes more than a few minutes?"
"Don't get clever with me!  I will cut you down!  See if I won't!  I WILL CUT YOU IN HALF!"
"Alright, let's calm down.  So, have you killed the royal family yet?"
"No.  I'm keeping them alive.  Unless Gwydion makes me feed him to the cat!  Because I will.  Make no mistake!  I WILL FEED HIM TO THE CAT!  I WILL BREAK HIM INTO LITTLE PIECES AND FEED HIM TO THE..."
"Ok, so it's obvious that you have some anger towards the royal family of Daventry.  Now you also mentioned someone named Cassima?"
"She's my scullery maid."
"Ok and what did she do?"
"She refused me."
"So you propositioned yourself to your maid?"
"Well she wasn't my maid at the time.  And technically she's not now."
"Oh, so she has more meaning to you than..."
"No, it's just that 'maid' makes it sound like I pay her.  I don't.  She's more of a slave."
"There are so many ethical violations here..."
"You rat me out, you die!  You hear me?  SNITCHES WIND UP DEAD IN DITCHES!  I WILL END YOU!"
"You really need to stop threatening me right now.  Your master sent you here.  How would he feel if you killed me?"
"He'd know you had it coming."
"I'm not so sure.  He says you're too impulsive.  That makes it seem like he's tired of your behaviors.  So let's get back to Cassima.  How did you meet her?"
"She's a Princess.  One of the Brothers of the Black Cloak is rising to power in her kingdom.  He should be making his move against her parents very soon."
"I really wish you'd stop telling me about you and your society's plans for murder..."
"You won't tell anyone.  Not if you want to live.  And if you want your family and friends to live.  Don't think I won't destroy everything you ever loved."
"Ok, so moving on.  You met Cassima and then you propositioned her?"
"Alhazred introduced us."
"Your brother in the society?"
"Yes.  He invited me to the Green Isles and showed Cassima to me."
"And?"
"And she was hot.  I wanted her.  So I told her."
"Just like that?"
"You have a problem with that?  I'm direct!  Are you judging me?"
"Not at all.  So Cassima rejected you?"
"Yes she did.  THE SWINE!"
"You use that insult a lot, don't you?"
"THE SOW!"
"Alright, so she rejected you, and you kidnapped her and turned her into a slave.  Why?"
"She had it coming!"
"Did it occur to you that this Alhazred was using you to take Cassima away so that he would have more power over her parents and facilitate his rise to power?"
"What?  No, he...he...THE SWINE!  I'LL KILL HIM!"
"So what I'm seeing here is that..."
"I WILL TEAR HIS HEAD OFF!  I WILL BURN THE GREEN ISLES UNTIL ALL THAT REMAINS IS ASH AND RUIN!"
"You have anger issues."
"I WILL EAT HIS FAMILY WHILE HE WATCHES AND CUT HIS THROAT AND KILL HIM!"
"So about this impulsivity..."
"I WILL KILL HIM...AND...KILL...HIM...I WILL KILL HIM UNTIL HE'S DEAD!"
"Ok, we really need to move beyond Alhazred right now.  Do you begin to see why your master feels that you're chaotic and impulsive?"
"They all have it coming!"
"You get angry and you don't think.  You just act, and usually that action results in death and property destruction.  Let me ask you a question.  What would you do if Graham showed up in your castle looking for his family?"
"I'D KILL THE SWINE!"
"Ok, fair enough.  Though, if I recall, you wanted Prince Alexander to see his family die.  And you were trying to hold off on killing the family in general.  So you don't really want to kill Graham."
"Not really.  It's not the plan."
"Yet, if you imagine seeing Graham right now..."
"I KILL YOU, YOU SWINE!"
"Right.  So do you see my point?"
"No."
"You don't think things through.  You just act.  And your actions are fully out of proportion and end up setting you back."
"THE SWINES HAVE IT COMING!  I'LL KILL THEM ALL!"
Mordack
Diagnosis: Intermittent Explosive Disorder

XD Mordack does have some anger issues, true  ;D This explains everything, though.

Did he really burn down Manannan's house? Was it in the KQ companion or something?

It's in the remake. If you get full points you get a special cutscene at the end of Mordack collecting Manannan and torching the house.

It's been a minute since I wrote any of these, so I typed one up today.  So here's another villain who has issues.  If only she could deal with her issues, she could truly be evil.

"So, Miss Hagatha, you tell me that you don't much like people."
"I don't want to deal with anyone.  I just stay in my cave."
"All the time?"
"Well sometimes I walk in the forest.  Never far from the cave though."
"And what would happen if you met someone in the forest, or if someone came to your cave?"
"I'd eat them!"
"Oh...ok then.  That's...well I suppose that's one way of dealing with the situation.  Um...have you always had a taste for people?"
"Not always.  I don't eat everyone.  One time I locked a woman up in a tower."
"Ah, and why did you do that?"
"Because she was pretty."
"Interesting.  And locking her up accomplished..."
"She wasn't pretty after that!"
"Well technically she was."
"What?"
"She still would be pretty.  You just removed her from view."
"Whatever."
"So is she still in the tower?"
"No.  A king saved her."
"That saves me the trouble of having to report that, then."
"What?"
"Nothing.  So this king saved her.  You couldn't stop him?"
"I was busy in my cave."
"You...you didn't even guard your prisoner?"
"I left a hungry lion to guard her."
"Ah, but of course.  I should have guessed.  But you didn't have an alarm system rigged up or any kind of surveillance to make sure that your prisoner didn't escape?"
"Not really.  But I knew something was going on."
"How did you know?"
"Well, someone stole the nightingale out of my cave while I wasn't watching, so that kind of tipped me off that someone was looking to foil my plans."
"That makes sense...vaguely.  So why weren't you paying more attention?"
"I just didn't want to deal with it."
"Didn't want to deal with the situation or the people involved?"
"I don't like dealing with people."
"Right.  So locking this woman up was your way of not dealing with the fact that she was pretty?"
"Exactly.  I felt like she was making me look bad.  People would look at her, then see me, then judge me."
"And as for other people, it's just easier to eat them then deal with them?"
"It's always easier to eat people!"
"I'm not sure.  You have to butcher them, carve them up, clean them, cook them, dispose of the inedible portions..."
"Sounds like you're also quite the expert!"
"What?  Well, no, I'm...I'm just assuming based on what you have to do when you hunt animals and..."
"Of course.  Whatever you say."
"Look, my personal life isn't important.  What is important here is that you have trouble dealing with people.  So much so that you find it easier to kill and eat them rather than talk or interact.  This may have solved the issue of a renewable food source, but it hasn't helped you cope with your difficulties with social interaction."
"Social interaction is overrated.  I can just eat people."
"And that makes you feel better, to take that power over others."
"It's not about the power."
"Oh, but I think it is.  People frighten you.  You isolate in a cave and spend your time outside the cave muttering to yourself while wandering in the forest.  Anyone you meet you kill and eat because you're afraid of judgment.  You saw a pretty woman, so you locked her up because otherwise you felt you would be judged."
"People do judge me!  I know they do!"
"Maybe that's because your actions, which occur due to your fear, lead to others fearing you."
"So...I eat people because I'm afraid of dealing with them...because I'm afraid of judgment."
"And that fear leads to you eating more people.  And that behavior leads to people judging you, and the whole cycle begins again."
"I...I eat because I'm afraid!"
"And you're afraid because you eat.  I think we've had a breakthrough here."
"You're right!  You're so right!  All these years I've been eating people and storing their skulls in a giant pile on the floor of my cave..."
"Whoa, what?"
"All this time I've been looking at those skulls, thinking I was besting my fear, but I wasn't!"
"Ok, you never mentioned a collection of skulls.  Are we dealing with a need for trophies here?"
"No, my fear was besting me!"
"You are literally keeping the skulls of your kills as a talisman against fear.  That is...that is getting into a whole new area of pathology that frankly..."
"But no more!  I won't be held back by fear anymore!  I'm throwing those skulls away!"
"Ok, I think that's a good idea."
"From now on, if people bother me, I'm locking them all in the tower!"
"That's a less good idea."
"And this time I'll do a better job of guarding it!  If I'm going to be truly evil, I have to be involved!  I have to deal with people!"
"Ok, I think you're taking a positive breakthrough and using it for evil."
"I can create more death traps to keep them contained in the tower!"
"I'd really prefer you didn't use my therapy for evil."
"And now that I'm challenging my fear, I could even take an active part in their imprisonment!  I could appear randomly and torture them!"
"Seriously, don't use my therapy for evil.  I'm not kidding."
"Thank you so much!  You've showed me the way!  I couldn't have done this without you!"
"Please don't mention me in any testimonials you may give.  Or any...you know...criminal indictments..."
"I'm going to go now!  There's so much to do!  Kolyma thought they were my enemy?  They don't know what it is to be my enemy!  But they will!  Oh yes...they will!"
"Ok, well you go have fun.  I'm just going to remove all proof that this session ever happened and any hint of my involvement."
"You've cured me!  Thank you so much!  Goodbye."
"Yes, goodbye.  I'll just be here...staring into the abyss...questioning my morality..."
Hagatha
Diagnosis: 1. Social Anxiety Disorder
2. Binge Eating Disorder
Oh, and she's a cannibalistic sociopath too.

Quote from: tessspoon on September 23, 2010, 09:58:44 AM
It's in the remake. If you get full points you get a special cutscene at the end of Mordack collecting Manannan and torching the house.

I must get full points.  that's really cool. 

Quote from: atec123 on October 04, 2010, 07:49:14 AM

Quote from: tessspoon on September 23, 2010, 09:58:44 AM
It's in the remake. If you get full points you get a special cutscene at the end of Mordack collecting Manannan and torching the house.

I must get full points.  that's really cool. 

It's also up on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0Ee4PSxv6s&feature=related), along with the other secrets.

Yeah, that was a really nice touch in the remake.  It's one of those things that seems so simple when you look at it, but it really made a perfect ending.

And speaking of Manannan, guess who's up next after Hagatha's issues?  That's right!  Oh, and incidentally, this one is no exaggeration.  This would be Manannan's actual diagnosis.  The guy is a textbook example.

"So Manannan, what brings you here?"
"My brother says I need to loosen up."
"And do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Need to loosen up?"
"You tell me."
"Well, I can't help but notice that you're staring very intently at me and still haven't sat down.  Do you do that often?"
"Sometimes.  I'll occasionally pop into a room and stare at someone."
"And you don't talk to them?"
"I don't have anything to say."
"And if you did?"
"Then I'd talk."
"Ah.  Would you like to sit down now?"
"It doesn't really matter.  I'm comfortable standing or sitting."
"Then why don't you sit?"
"Very well."
"There, isn't that more comfortable?"
"I told you I was comfortable either way."
"Ok then.  So, what's a typical day like for you?"
"Well I start by looking through my telescope.  I do enjoy my telescope.  I can see the entire countryside."
"That must be an interesting hobby.  So you do that every day?"
"Yes.  Then I go on a journey."
"Where?"
"Sometimes to visit my brother.  Sometimes for magic ingredients.  Sometimes nowhere in particular."
"But you always go on the journey?"
"Always.  For twenty-five minutes."
"Why not half an hour?"
"Twenty-five minutes."
"Right, but why not half an hour?"
"Because the journey lasts twenty-five minutes."
"Ok.  What happens after the journey?"
"Then it's time to eat.  After that I take a nap.  For twenty-five minutes."
"Do you ever oversleep?"
"Twenty-five minutes."
"What if you can't get to sleep?"
"I have a powder for that.  I will sleep for twenty-five minutes."
"You do like structure, don't you?"
"The more structure and ritual you have, the more the world makes sense."
"Ah, so the world is too chaotic?"
"It's messy.  People don't make sense.  There's no order."
"Is that why you got into magic?  To create order?"
"Magic can be very orderly.  Not the new magic my brother uses.  Anyone with a wand who has the capacity to comprehend a picture book can do his magic.  No, I prefer the sorcery of old.  Specific ingredients, specific measurements, specific incantations.  No room for error, no room for chaos."
"And if there is chaos when creating a spell?"
"Then the chaotic influence is eliminated."
"Ah, so no margin for error."
"Margin for error is an excuse for sloppy work."
"And is this why your brother thinks you should lighten up?"
"I don't know what he wants."
"Maybe he wants to see you for more than twenty-five minutes at a time."
"He knows my journeys last twenty-five minutes."
"I'm sure he does."
"I just said he does.  Why are you restating it?"
"It was meant as an amusing confirmation.  My tone of voice..."
"Tone of voice doesn't change what you say.  Say what you mean or don't say it."
"How are you with other people?"
"How am I?"
"Yes, how do you interact with them?"
"The only other person I deal with regularly is my slave."
"Your...slave...why does the universe always challenge my morality?"
"My slave has no sense of order."
"Does he have no sense of order, or does he fail to meet your standards of order?"
"Order is order.  There's no difference between the two."
"And yet the world gets by despite its sloppy chaos."
"That is nothing short of a miracle."
"Or it's proof that your level of structure is unnecessary and even dysfunctional.  What happens if you no longer have order?"
"Then I kill the slave."
"Not the answer I was looking for.  Ok, but what does that do to restore order?"
"It removes the chaotic influence.  It's why I kill them habitually at eighteen.  They're just too chaotic after that.  Too willful."
"I'm assuming that you'll kill me if I report this to the authorities as I am mandated to?"
"Irrelevant.  I killed all the law enforcement officers in Llewdor long ago.  There is no one for you to report me to."
"Ah, well that helps my conscience."
"But yes, I would kill you.  If you could report me.  Which you can't."
"Because law enforcement is dead."
"As I stated.  It did lead to a surge in bandit and pirate activity, but that doesn't affect me.  In fact the bandits can be amusing to watch."
"Through your telescope."
"I do enjoy my telescope.  It brings the world into focus."
"You can understand things through the telescope.  It gives you a closeness that you otherwise wouldn't have with others.  You feel an intimate connection without actually having to interact or deal with the social contact."
"I can watch the world wallow in its chaos and know that I am distant and safe from it.  There is no chaos in my house.  None."
"It seems to me that the loss of order creates a sense of anger in you."
"Life needs order."
"Yet you don't really understand people.  You stand around and stare at them.  The moment someone weaker than you fails to live up to your expectations of the world, you kill them."
"I remove chaotic influences.  Like the sorcery of old."
"You're very focused on that sorcery of old thing."
"It is pure.  I can quote the entire tome from memory.  It has a history.  Not like Mordack's picture books.  Everything has its place, everything is rationed and saved down to the jars the ingredients come in.  It must all be done in order, in perfect, unbending order."
"Well I think this is a good place to start and throughout the hour we can..."
"I'm not staying here an hour."
"You're not...wait, let me guess.  You only want twenty-five minutes."
"Twenty-five minutes.  I only have twenty-five minutes.  And after that, I will be ready to eat."
Manannan
Diagnosis: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
Rule out Asperger's Disorder

XD You've nailed it! This is Manannan! Finally, we know why he leaves the house for *exactly* twenty-five minutes each time :D

Next up is the witch from King's Quest I.  She has a problem.  Who knew?

"So Miss Dahlia.  You're a witch, is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Ok, so just some ground rules here in therapy.  No magic, no attacks on myself or my family or my friends."
"I would never..."
"Yeah, but I've heard that before from others."
"Well I can't cast a spell on you anyway."
"That's right.  I'm wearing an amulet I bought at a gypsy garage sale.  What I find interesting, though, is that you know that.  You've already tried to cast a spell on me, haven't you?"
"I..."
"What did you try to do to me?"
"I was hungry."
"What did you try to do to me?"
"I...I tried to turn you into a gingerbread man."
"So you could eat me?"
"That was the plan."
"Ok, see now this is the kind of thing that really destroys a trusting therapeutic relationship."
"I guess.  Can...can I see the amulet?"
"You want me to take off the amulet?  Why?"
"So...I...can see it?"
"No, you want me to take it off so you can eat me."
"I'm just really hungry and..."
"And any time you're hungry or want something, then you take it."
"Of course!  Now let me see the amulet!"
"No!  I'm not going to let you eat me!  This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable!"
"But I'm so hungry!"
"So just because you're a little hungry..."
"No, that's the problem!  I'm always hungry!"
"Always..."
"Always hungry.  I can't stop eating."
"How long has this been going on?"
"Since I can remember.  I've always been hungry.  I eat whenever and whatever I can."
"Any pica?  I mean, do you eat things that aren't actually food?"
"When I was young, but then I stopped."
"How did you stop?"
"I learned a spell that turns things into gingerbread.  So I did that instead."
"Ah.  So how do you spend your days?"
"I stay at home and stir a cauldron of food.  Oh, and sometimes I fly around on my broom scouting for tasty morsels.  Can I see that amulet now?"
"No.  So you're always eating?"
"There's always food around.  I live in a gingerbread house."
"So everything revolves around food.  What else do you have in your house?"
"My cauldron with food.  I also have a cupboard..."
"With food?"
"Yes.  And a table.  I eat at the table.  And a bed.  I have a bed to sleep in.  And eat in.  I don't have any amulets though.  I wish I did.  Do you have any spare amulets?"
"We really need to move past this amulet thing.  I'm not taking it off."
"Oh, and I also have some scratch paper."
"Scratch paper?"
"In the house.  I like puzzles.  I work out solutions to puzzles on the paper."
"And how good are you at the puzzles?"
"I'm very good at puzzles."
"Like jigsaw puzzles or memory puzzles or..."
"I'm very good at puzzles."
"Ok then.  This is actually making some sense."
"Is it?"
"Yes.  All these things are fitting together.  And when we factor in your physical appearance..."
"What about my appearance?"
"Well you're short.  And you have a long face and a prominent nose."
"And?  I'm a witch!  That's what witches look like!  We're all short and hunched and have big noses and long faces."
"That's actually an ugly stereotype.  Not all witches look that way.  But you do.  I also notice that your skin is blemished.  Do you pick at it?"
"Sometimes."
"Ok, so we have skin-picking behaviors, uncontrollable appetite, eating non-edible objects, poor impulse-control, distinguishing facial features, and you're even good at puzzles.  I think what we're looking at is a developmental disorder."
"A developmental..."
"Yes, genetically I think that..."
"You mean that I'm genetically defective?"
"No, I wouldn't say that.  You have a chromosomal abnormality that leads to the symptoms you've been living with."
"So I'm always hungry because..."
"Because you have a genetic disorder.  Your body never feels full."
"And I turn people into gingerbread men and eat them because of the genetic disorder too?"
"No.  Well, the impulsivity of the behavior is part of the developmental disorder.  Likewise the facial features, your being short, skin-picking, and even being good at puzzles are also related to the disorder."
"So why do I turn people into gingerbread men?"
"Because you're an evil witch."
"I don't think so."
"I do."
"Can I see your amulet?"
Dahlia
Diagnosis: Prader-Willi Syndrome
She's also an evil witch

Quote from: Damar on October 18, 2010, 07:50:20 PM
Diagnosis: Prader-Willi Syndrome
She's also an evil witch

XD

Quote from: Damar on October 05, 2010, 08:52:46 PM
"Your...slave...why does the universe always challenge my morality?"

I love this therapist XD

Love these, awesome job Damar! :D

Quote from: Damar on October 18, 2010, 07:50:20 PM
Dahlia
Diagnosis: Prader-Willi Syndrome
She's also an evil witch

^_^

*sheepishly* Can I see your amulet?


XD

Quote from: Damar on September 17, 2010, 06:39:29 PMLamp Trader (Patient #24601)

Literary references ftw. ;)

Quote from: tessspoon on October 18, 2010, 07:57:47 PM

Quote from: Damar on October 05, 2010, 08:52:46 PM
"Your...slave...why does the universe always challenge my morality?"

I love this therapist XD

XD I love this therapist too! I think I need to get his number! XB

Quote from: Delling on October 19, 2010, 06:06:38 AM
*sheepishly* Can I see your amulet?


XD

Of course you can see my am...waaaaaait a minute!  I see what you're trying to do there!  I've got my eye on you...

Glad you guys like the therapist.  It's more or less based on how I react to things.  A bit more verbal though.  I just think those lines when I hear things like that.  I try to be more nonchalant when I talk.  So whenever the therapist in these dialogues hears something bizarre and just responds with, "Ok.  So anyway..." that's basically me.  Not being easily phased is pretty important in my line of work.

And we got a new character up!  Odds are you can see this diagnosis coming from a mile away.  He didn't really have it all together when we saw him.  It's no surprise that his personal life is a mess too.

"So Crispin, I understand that some people are worried about you."
"Oh fiddlesticks young man!"
"Fiddlesticks indeed, but still your friends have some concerns.  Perhaps we should address them."
"Well let me sit down first!"
"I was letting you sit down.  You've taken about five minutes to make it across the room.  I can't help but feel that you're not a light on your feet as you once were."
"Oh, well none of us are."
"True.  Still, you seem like you might be a fall risk."
"You worry too much!  I haven't fallen since three hours ago!"
"Well that sets my mind at ease."
"There, I'm sitting now!  Young people are so impatient.  Sometimes it takes a minute to walk across a room."
"Or five.  The issue, though, is that you're also about forty minutes late for this appointment."
"I've been punctual all my life!"
"But not so much anymore, it seems.  Your friends feel that you're forgetful."
"Which friends?"
"Cedric for one."
"Cedric worries about everything!"
"Maybe so.  But I also understand that the Society of Wizards is concerned."
"Ah, the Society."
"Why don't you tell me a bit about the Society."
"Well, we meet and talk about other wizards.  We take a dim view of evil wizards.  Sometimes we put them on suspension."
"So you have quite a bit of power then."
"We were the most powerful of wizards!"
"So the fact that they're worried about your memory would seem to be a legitimate concern."
"Well, I don't know..."
"Is there anything you've forgotten besides your appointment today?"
"I lost my wand recently."
"Did you?"
"Yes.  I kept it in a chest for the longest time.  For years it was in there and it lost its power.  Then a nice man charged it back up and since then I've been keeping it...somewhere.  Now where did it get to?"
"How long has it been missing?"
"Oh I don't know.  It probably wandered off..."
"It's a wand.  It's an inanimate object.  It can't move on its own."
"True, but wands do have a personality of their own sometimes..."
"But they can't move on their own..."
"You have to understand that wands are like pets."
"Are they, now?"
"Yes.  Just treat them with care and respect and hopefully they can do something for you."
"So treating your wand with care and respect means putting it in a chest for years until it loses its glow?"
"Well, I kept meaning to take care of it and feed it cheese-powered energy..."
"Cheese-powered..."
"But I always forgot.  That's alright, though."
"I guess it's a good thing that wands are just inanimate objects and not actual pets then."
"I used to have pets.  I once had a white snake.  I kept it in the chest with the wand.  I probably shouldn't have done that..."
"Since you forgot about the wand?"
"The snake didn't last long.  Actually I don't know how long it lasted.  I found it a year or so later.  It wasn't alive anymore."
"I'd imagine not."
"But it all worked out.  I had that nice man eat it."
"Eat...it..."
"Yes.  Dead white snake helps you understand animals and plants!  I think.  Yes, yes it does!  He was a very nice man.  Said he was a king!  So very polite, but royalty is like that, don't you know?"
"I did not know."
"Oh yes.  It's the breeding.  The nobility.  And they keep it all in the family, you know."
"You're referring to inbreeding.  The royal families don't do that anymore.  It's a profoundly bad idea."
"Oh not at all.  That's how it was done back when I was a young wizard!  You knew who the noble families were!  You could see it in their jaw line.  Of course royalty always bruised easily..."
"Yeah, again, inbreeding isn't really an accepted...you know what?  We're getting off topic here.  So this Society of Wizards..."
"Oh, they're just a bunch of old coots!  They're jealous because I still have my own house and they're stuck living in the home!"
"Wait...the Society of Wizards..."
"They all live in the Sunny Serenia Valley Retirement Home."
"I...I just assumed that it was an actual Society of..."
"Oh goodness no!  They all call themselves that to relive the glory days.  No, there's no official wizard society.  Can you imagine the headache that would be?  Dealing with all those evil wizards.  And those Black Cloaks!  Oh my, no!  It would just be too much trouble."
"So the Society of Wizards is a bunch of retirees at a home?"
"They used to be very powerful in their day!  Nothing to scoff at young man!"
"I'm sure they're not."
"And we still get together every Wednesday for the early bird dinner at the local inn.  It's under new management now.  The lamb isn't as good, but the staff is so much friendlier!  Anyway, we get together and make resolutions to put bad wizards on suspension.  It never does any good though.  Young wizards are so impulsive these days.  You know who I blame?"
"I can't imagine."
"The mud-bloods."
"That sounds incredibly racist."
"Oh now, you just don't understand.  It's those commoners who mix with the true wizards.  They contaminate the true wizard line with their foul, base, simple blood!  They don't have the mental capacity for true magic.  They cheapen the name of wizards everywhere, those dabblers in magic!"
"Wow.  So this prejudice against..."
"Now it's not prejudice, it's just the facts.  We...now confound it...what was I talking about?"
"Your forgetfulness."
"You look like a very nice man.  You don't practice magic, though, do you?"
"No I..."
"That's good.  Your common blood couldn't handle the true magic!  Now where is Cedric?  I have an appointment today with some bothersome old therapist who is..."
"You're in that appointment now, Crispin."
"Am I?  Wait, is today Wednesday?"
"Thursday.  The day of your appointment."
"Oh blast!  I missed yesterday's Society of Wizards meeting!  We were going to suspend another young wizard!  And we were going to make a complaint about the misuse of the shuffleboard court!  The gnomes keep using it and they won't clean up after themselves!  Messy little straw-spinning halflings!"
"I'm really not comfortable with the racial slurs..."
"You know how gnomes are!  But they're not half as bad as those little emerald-picking, shoe-pounding elves!"
"Ok, so what I'm getting here is that you have trouble remembering things."
"Do I?"
"You don't know what day it is, you don't know where your wand is, you rely on Cedric to remind you of appointments..."
"Do I?"
"Yes.  Cedric can't be your caretaker forever.  And the Society of Wizards..."
"Half of them don't know what day it is either!  Why Erasmus himself can't even eat solid food!  And he keeps thinking that rats are talking to him..."
"And that's why he lives in a retirement home, Crispin.  Have you ever given thought to living in the home with Erasmus and your other Society of Wizards friends?"
"Oh, now that's just not necessary."
"Really?  You can barely make it across the room without looking like you're about to fall over."
"I don' t fall that often!"
"You forget the most basic of spells.  Cedric tells me you couldn't remember the word 'Abracadabra.'"
"How do you know that word?"
"Everyone knows that word.  It's as well known as 'Hocus Pocus.'"
"Commoners!  Dirtying our pure magic with your...your simpleton blood!"
"I'm not doing any magic, Crispin.  The fact is that the magic you still use is so old that it's entered into common knowledge."
"I remember back when no one would dare talk to a wizard that way!  Back then, wizards like me advised for kings!  I remember when I told a king to make a round table, and you know what?  He did it!  For no other reason than I told him to!  Of course he wasn't the brightest fellow in the world.  I think it was his sixth finger.  It took too much blood from his brain.  And he drooled a bit too much.  But he had such a noble bearing!  Both his cousin-parents did."
"Alright, I think I've heard enough.  I can call the retirement home and make a referral..."
"And they got their regal manner from their sister-mother and uncle-father.  They learned together, you see.  They were brother and sister after all."
"You're off-topic again Crispin.  Really, badly, disturbingly off-topic."
"Well I wouldn't expect a commoner to understand.  Are we nearly done?"
"Unfortunately no.  I have to make some calls to see if..."
"Did I leave my brazier running?  Was I conjuring before I came here?"
"You routinely leave the house with an open flame running?"
"Oh now you just sound like Cedric!  Always worrying about open flames and whether I'm eating!"
"When was the last meal you had Crispin?"
"I sometimes snack on white snake."
"An actual, full meal, I mean.  When was the last full meal you had?"
"I just ate at the inn during the Society of Wizards meeting!"
"That was over a week ago.  You're saying that you've only eaten small snacks for a week?  How much weight have you lost recently?"
"Oh, now a little weight loss is nothing to worry about!"
"Ok, you're a fall risk, you don't eat regular meals, and you're in danger of burning down your house?  Great.  I'm just going to have to clear my entire schedule today so that I can complete the paperwork to have you committed..."
"You're going to what?"
"I'm going to make sure you can be with your Society of Wizards full time."
"Oh good!  Wait, is today Wednesday?  It's about time we send those shuffle-board loving, marionette-carving halfling gnomes a message!  We're wizards not...not...now confound it, where is Cedric?  He was supposed to remind me about my appointment today!"
Crispin
Diagnosis: Dementia

lolololol ;D

This next one was a pain to write.  It also doesn't end with a diagnosis as it's a group session.  It's all codependence and abuse issues though, regardless of diagnoses.  It's also a bit darker than the others.  I was still going for humor though.  After all, who knew that these guys were so dysfunctional?  They seemed so...well honestly they always seemed pretty dysfunctional to me, even in the game.  The tension is all there if you read between the lines.  Now we know why!  Enjoy.

"Ok, I usually don't do group therapy, but I understand we have a lot of codependence going on here and some allegations of abuse.  Apparently the guard dog garrison on the Isle of Wonder is often called over due to domestic complaints.  So why don't we start at the beginning.  Let's all introduce ourselves."
All five together: "Five fierce guards of the Isle we be!  We've come here for group therapy!"
"Oh good god.  I'm just going to take an aspirin right now..."
Big Eyes: "The gnome Bill Batter is who I be, the head of this clan, for I can see!"
Big Hands:  "At one time, that would be true, but a new day has come you impotent fool!  Trilly Dilly rules here now!  Question me, and my hands will put you down!"
"Ok, look, I won't have threats in this group session!"
Big Mouth: "No more fighting, I beg you all!  I do not want the guard dogs called!"
Big Nose: "A snitch you are, that's all you'll be!  You whine to cops when fighting are we!"
"Alright, let's not resort to name-calling here either.  I think what Grump Frump is saying is that he feels deeply hurt when this family fights.  Family...what exactly is the relationship here?  Are you all related by blood, or are you all roommates, or..."
Big Eyes: "By all that's beauteous, fair, and slightly, in the same house we live and sleep together nightly."
"Right.  But are you all related or..."
Big Mouth: "What does it matter how we are labeled or called?  Our lives are falling apart around us all!"
"Ok, fair enough.  No clarification on that matter then.  Alright, so Grump Frump obviously feels a loss of cohesiveness in this group due to the fighting.  What about you...Grovernor, is it?"
Big Ears: "I do not like to speak out of turn...I fear my ears be boxed or burned!"
"Ah...and who will hurt you if you..."
Big Hands: "Remember this, for you are still learning: Speak out of turn and people's ears be burning."
"That was clearly a veiled threat.  What did I say..."
Big Hands: "A threat?  A threat?  You misunderstand!  A figure of speech that was, well known in this land!"
"Saying that someone's ears are burning might be a figure of speech, but don't try to play innocent here.  It was clearly meant as a threat towards Grovernor!"
Big Hands: "You do not know of what you speak.  I do not attack the defenseless or meek.  I merely seek to keep order in this place.  I do not hit.  Not that you can prove, in any case."
"And that justifies your behaviors?  Because it can't be proven?"
Big Eyes: "You see how he is, now he behaves?  'Tis nothing but violence from this knave!  When once I ruled this group of five we worked as one and senses jived!"
Big Hands: "In your need for control, you overreached.  You thrived off us all, you parasitic leech!  You did nothing for yourself, save make us lose face!  Someone needed to stand up and take your place."
"It sounds like Trilly Dilly feels you were verbally and psychologically abusive, Bill.  Does anyone else feel that way?  Tom?  We haven't heard from you recently."
Big Nose: "Tom Trow I am, that's all I'll be.  My nose knows all by land and sea.  But smell is all that I shall do.  A snitch I'm not.  I won't tell you."
"If you want the cycle of abuse to end and everyone here to be treated as equals, you need to open up about what's been happening.  That's why you're here.  Both Grovernor and Grump Frump are intimidated into silence.  You're the one who will have to break that silence.  Now, you're all adults, so I'm not going to call the police or have anyone arrested.  You all have to take responsibility if you want anything to change."
Big Eyes: "Tell him Tom, all that you know.  Tell him how the new regime does blow!  Things were better under me.  I never hit you, or any others, see."
Big Nose: "A snitch I'm not, but nor am I a fool.  Bill Batter could be harsh and cruel.  Ragweed he would often bring to me.  And he would shout at Grovernor laughingly.  Ghost chilis I saw him sneak in Grump Frump's food.  He mocked us all when in his moods.  Still, he never used his hands on us.  Not like another often does."
Big Hands: "I know not what you imply!  A friend to all of you am I!  You make me sad, with these claims unbased.  You should not speak so, when such a target is on your face!"
"Again with the threats, Trilly Dilly?  I won't keep putting up with this.  Who else would like to share now that Tom has opened up?  Grump Frump, have you ever been hurt by Trilly Dilly here?"
Big Mouth: "He once beat me with a sock that contained an orange!  I say to you that..."
Big Hands: "No one wants to hear your tale!  You whiny snitch, your lies are beyond the pale!"
"Actually I was really interested in hearing how he was going to wrap that one up.  Seriously, Grump Frump, please finish your line."
Big Mouth: "I have nothing more to say.  I will sit here and be silent all the day."
"No, really, please finish!  There was an orange aaaaannnnnd...."
Big Hands: "You know your place Grump Frump, this is now true.  You will be silent and remember all I've done for you.
Big Mouth: "You have done so much for us all.  Thank you for..."
Big Hands: "Are you still talking out of turn?  My hands will teach you a lesson you should have learned!"
"Enough the threats of violence!  I will not have you intimidating your partners here.  This is a safe place!"
Big Eyes: "There is nowhere safe from the likes of he!  He's mad with power as you can see.  Call the guard dogs to take him, I pray.  I will rule again when he is locked away!"
"And that's the issue here, isn't it, Bill?  You don't really care about anyone else, just your own need for control.  You have to be the alpha gnome, don't you?  You abused your...partners?  Brothers?  Anyone?  No, none of you are going to clarify this relationship, are you?  Fine.  Bill, you abused everyone around you and in Trilly Dilly you created a monster and now he's taken over.  So now you act like you care, you play the victim, but you're not."
Big Eyes: "Trilly Dilly victimizes all of us!  He is a cruel and abusive putz!  I only want us all to be safe and sound.  I want things back as they once were, with peace of mind found."
"Exactly.  You want things as they once were.  But you can't have that, because things change for one, and also because you were just as bad in your own way as Trilly Dilly.  The fact is that you don't really care.  It's all a justification, the way that Trilly Dilly acts like he cares, but it's all about power and control.  You don't buy his act for a second.  No more than I buy yours."
Big Hands: "Bill acts like he cares though we know he's lying.  Stop shoveling that $&!%, Bill, for no one's buying!"
"Ok, I'm not certain that I'm comfortable with the language here.  Someone might be offended.  Let's keep it family friendly."
Big Mouth: "I cannot live like this anymore!  It's all too much, it cuts me to the core!  Living with Bill and Trilly Dilly is no heaven!  They force-feed me like that guy from Se7en!"
"And there goes family friendly.  Fantastic.  How did you five get so dark?"
Big Ears: "Trilly Dilly rules and leaves Bill mad.  So now we get it from both those cads!  Tom gets nosebleeds but won't say how.  They happen far too often now.  They will not let us visit friends or peers.  They use hot pokers to pierce my ears!"
"And why are you all staying together?  Tom, Grump Frump, Grovernor, you're all being abused.  You three could move out.  Bill, Trilly Dilly, you two seem to despise each other.  What keeps you two together?"
Big Nose: "Where would we go?"
Big Mouth: "Who else do we know?"
Big Ears: "We may dance with the devil, but they're our devils though."
"But that's what they want.  To foster that sense of fear so that you feel you can't get through life without them."
Big Eyes: "And I for one will never leave home.  I will not let that cretin rule alone!"
"You won't leave because you lost power.  Don't justify this or try to act like a hero.  You won't leave because you feel that would be admitting defeat.  Admitting that you are powerless.  Even though the kind of control you've been exerting only underlines that powerlessness.  Any time you feel inadequate, you exert power over someone else.  Even now you continue to be abusive just to prove to yourself that Trilly Dilly didn't best you.  Any time you feel you're slipping, you cause pain, and then you justify it away."
Big Hands: "And I myself see no cause to go.  I care for all the others, as they all know.  Without me, they never could get by.  They need me, else they all would die."
"And you justify just as much as Bill does.  You breed a culture of helplessness, which you reinforce through physical abuse with your freakishly ginormous hands.  But that's not power.   Not really.  And deep down, you know that.  Just like Bill, you fear being powerless, and that just spurs on more abuse.  But it never takes away your insecurities.  You still feel empty inside.  You still have the fear."
Big Hands: "I'm finished talking here with you.  I did not want to come, that much is true."
Big Eyes: "Can't the baby handle truth?  You get called out, now you vamoose!"
Big Hands: "You have not right to talk such trash!  Speak again, and I'll cut your..."
"You won't be warned again about threats!  See, now this is exactly what I'm talking about.  And Tom, Grovernor, Grump Frump, I want you to see this too.  I pointed out both Bill and Trilly Dilly's powerlessness, and what did they do?  Bill verbally attacked Trilly Dilly, and Trilly Dilly then threatened physical violence.  It proves my point that..."
Big Eyes: "You cut me?  You?  You couldn't take me on if you wanted to.  You're a coward, that I clearly see.  You attack those weaker than yourself, and that's not me."
Big Hands: "You're weak in every area save for sight.  I heard that from your mama, when I was with her all last night!"
"Oh snap!  I mean...let's not bring people's mothers into..."
Big Eyes: "By all that's beauteous, fair, and dear, a $&%@ing dead man do I see before me here!"
Big Hands: "Come and get some, if you so wish!  My hands will slap you down like a pansy..."
"OK, ENOUGH!  OUT OF MY OFFICE!  ALL OF YOU, OUT!"

This is really excellent writing. I can hear their voices as if the lines had been penned by Jane/Roberta.

Thanks!  That's quite the compliment!  I've always really enjoyed writing.  I've kind of gotten out of the habit of writing recently though.  It's a lot of fun to write these little dialogues though, and hopefully it gets me back in the habit of working on some of the bigger stuff I had been writing for fun.

But I wanted to hear about the orange!! :( :P

Quote from: Damar on November 02, 2010, 07:09:08 PMBig Mouth: "He once beat me with a sock that contained an orange!  I say to you that..."
Big Hands: "No one wants to hear your tale!  You whiny snitch, your lies are beyond the pale!"

I lol'ed. :rofl:

Quote from: Enchantermon on November 03, 2010, 06:37:13 AM

Quote from: Damar on November 02, 2010, 07:09:08 PMBig Mouth: "He once beat me with a sock that contained an orange!  I say to you that..."
Big Hands: "No one wants to hear your tale!  You whiny snitch, your lies are beyond the pale!"

I lol'ed. :rofl:

Made me think of Monkey Island 3 XD

Yes, I had Monkey Island on my mind as well when I wrote that.

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so I typed one up tonight.  For whatever reason I wanted to see if I could go any darker than the abusive gnomes.  And so I give you this.  This is what happens when you meddle in the natural order of things...

Caliphim: "My wife and I have returned for couples counseling.  May we enter your office?"
Therapist: "I...um...yes, yes of course your Highness.  Come in and have a seat."
Allaria: "Thank you for inviting us in.  I realize that it is late.  The sun is setting and the office must be ready to close."
Therapist: "Well...I am...it's alright.  I must admit that I'm fairly shocked.  I never expected you both to return to my office."
Caliphim: "And why is that?"
Therapist: "Because you died.  Both of you did."
Allaria: "Really?"
Therapist: "Yes."
Caliphim: "Reports of our deaths were greatly exaggerated."
Therapist: "I attended your funeral."
Allaria: "Well that's easily explained.  You see, there was a sleeping spell and we just appeared..."
Therapist: "It was a closed casket funeral.  Because you were both stabbed multiple times."
Caliphim: "A mistake was made by the coroner."
Therapist: "Your bodies were mutilated.  It was so horrific that I had to counsel the coroner to help him through the trauma."
Allaria: "Aren't you breaking confidentiality?"
Therapist: "It was widely publicized.  Everyone found out that the coroner went here for therapy after he did what he did.  The strain was just too much..."
Allaria: "We must have missed the news of that."
Therapist: "Yes.  Because you were dead."
Allaria: "Well, I guess there's just no hiding it."
Caliphim: "Quite.  Well, we have a secret to let you in on..."
Therapist: "King Alexander traveled to the Realm of the Dead and brought you both back to life.  Yes, I've heard the tale.  King Alexander won't stop talking about it.  Although, I must admit, I never really took him seriously until you both came walking in..."
Allaria: "Our son-in-law does like to go on, doesn't he?"
Therapist: "Well let's not talk about Alexander.  How has this death and subsequent resurrection affected you two?  I'd imagine this was quite the religious experience?"
Allaria: "Oh indeed!  I know I felt that our life had lost a certain spark prior to our deaths.  The excitement wasn't there anymore."
Caliphim: "I don't mean to be rude, but could we make this a short session today?  We have so much to do and I am very hungry."
Allaria: "You know I'm just as hungry, dear, but we really should fill him in on what's been happening."
Therapist: "So you've found purpose in your life then?"
Allaria: "Oh yes.  Ever since we entered the Realm of the Dead and walked the surface, mingling with the spirits of the lost and the ever-wandering unfulfilled and unresting dead..."
Caliphim: "We have truly known the embrace of the Dark Lord!"
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Allaria: "Since that moment we discovered our purpose in life.  Everything is new and exciting now!"
Caliphim: "Honey, I am so hungry.  Do you think we could...right now?  No one would realize..."
Allaria: "Be patient!  We already planned on going out tonight.  Anyway, we've grown closer than ever before."
Therapist: "That's very good to hear.  When last I saw you, before I closed your cases due to...um...death...you weren't certain that the marriage was working.  You were getting in arguments all the time and didn't feel you had any common ground.  Have you discovered that common ground since enduring the shared religious experience of death and rebirth at the hands of the...um...as you put it, the Dark Lord?"
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Therapist: "Um...yes."
Allaria: "Oh yes, we've found that we are of the same mind now that we have returned to the land of the living.
Caliphim: "Food springs to mind."
Allaria: "Oh you and your food, sweetums!  But he is quite right.  We've both taken an interest in the culinary arts.  We favor the al fresco style of cuisine now."
Caliphim: "The more natural, the better.  It enhances the flavor.  And it's quicker to prepare for when you get those cravings."
Therapist: "You're cooking for yourselves now?"
Allaria: "Oh my yes!  We couldn't have the cooks doing that kind of work for us!  It's much more satisfying to feed for yourself!"
Caliphim: "We did make good use of the cooking staff, of course.  But now they're gone."
Therapist: "Well that is quite the achievement!  Before you both died, I had been working on having you take on some projects together.  I always felt that your castle staff and servants stood in the way of that."
Caliphim: "Oh yes, we've gone through our entire staff.  We're on our own now and we do everything ourselves."
Therapist: "That is really a positive step!  I am so happy to hear you both are doing so well."
Allaria: "And we've been trying new foods as well!  Things we never would have tried before!"
Caliphim: "Tell him about the brains, dear!"
Allaria: "Yes, yes!  We've discovered that we simply adore brains!"
Therapist: "Brains...oh, you mean sweetbreads!  Yes, I've heard that brains are quite the delicacy.  Calf brains in particular are quite decadent, so I've heard."
Allaria: "Yes..."
Caliphim: "All this talk of brains is driving me wild..."
Therapist: "Sweetbreads.  It sounds profoundly creepy when you call them brains."
Caliphim: "I'm just so hungry."
Allaria: "Oh you and your cravings for brains!"
Therapist: "Sweetbreads."
Allaria: "We'll get some soon enough at the tavern, or maybe off the street."
Therapist: "I didn't know they served sweetbreads in the tavern or from street vendors."
Allaria: "Oh, and we've started to take nighttime walks, just the two of us.  And we've also taken to visiting our neighbors!"
Therapist: "Now that is fantastic!  I remember back when you both wouldn't leave the castle without a royal entourage!  And now you're reaching out and making new friends!"
Caliphim: "Oh yes.  We always make sure we are invited in."
Allaria: "We must be invited in."
Caliphim: "We cannot enter unless invited."
Allaria: "So sayeth the Dark Lord."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Caliphim: "And so we stand by their windows and whisper."
Allaria: "Oh the things we whisper..."
Caliphim: "Until they invite us in."
Allaria: "For if we are to enter, we must be invited."
Therapist: "You...you go out at night and...and you whisper at your neighbors from the window until they invite you in?  But why?"
Caliphim: "We must be invited of their own free will."
Therapist: "You've said that multiple times, and I'm not going to lie, it's been creepier each time.  But why do you need to enter?"
Allaria: "We must prepare the way for the Dark Lord."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Allaria: "His return shall soon be neigh and the way must be prepared!"
Caliphim: "The reckoning is upon you all!"
Therapist: "I must admit I've become increasingly uncomfortable with the direction this session is taking."
Allaria: "Our time among the dead changed us.  It has opened our eyes.  They see the world anew with a dead light."
Caliphim: "Where once there was only monotony and stagnation, now there is a new purpose.  All will know the love of the Dark Lord."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Allaria: "And we must feed.  And through our feasting do we impart the love of our Dark Lord."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail..."
Therapist: "Ok, I think we're getting into a whole weird area and I'd just like to go ahead and bring things back.  Now, you've talked about your new purpose and how you're life has improved.  When last I saw you, you felt empty and that your marriage was a sham."
Allaria: We are now filled with the love of the Dark Lord.
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Therapist: "You both felt mentally drained and stagnated, like nothing held your interest anymore."
Caliphim: "Our thoughts are now only for our Dark Lord."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Therapist: "Right.  And you both felt like there was no excitement in life."
Allaria: "Every night we walk the countryside and convert the living to serve as the growing army for our triumphant Dark Lord!"
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Therapist: "You felt that your relationship was tepid and sexually unsatisfying."
Caliphim: "The blood orgies have brought the spark back to our marriage, thanks to the Dark..."
Therapist: "I'm sorry, blood orgies?  What are you...you know what?  I don't want to know."
Allaria: "When we have been invited by the weakened in spirit and we have finished feeding, the power of the moment overcomes us and we..."
Therapist: "I said I don't want to know!  Wait...invited...like when you go out at night?  And you eat...you feed...you..."
Caliphim: "It begins to understand."
Allaria: "It sees that the reckoning is at hand."
Therapist: "You weren't talking about calf brains were you?  The tavern...the streets...your neighbors...you..."
Caliphim: "We have plans for tonight.  We grow stronger when night comes.  It is the time of our Dark Lord."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Therapist: "King Alexander upset the natural order.  You were both dead!"
Caliphim: "And now the dead walk among the living.  Soon there shall be more."
Allaria: "The blood shall flow and the dead shall rise.  The reckoning is neigh and all shall be laid waste!"
Therapist: "How many have you taken?"
Caliphim: "Even now it cannot fully comprehend.  It searches for a way out, a glimmer of hope that it may yet survive the reckoning."
Allaria: "The hunger is strong, my love.  Perhaps we could feed briefly before tonight."
Caliphim: "It did invite us into this office."
Therapist: "NO!  I do not like where this session is leading!"
Allaria: "And after the blood has begun to flow we shall celebrate in the manner that is most pleasing to our Dark Lord!"
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Therapist: "UNACCEPTABLE!  COMPLETELY UNACCEPT...what are you two doing?  Sit down!  I'm not kidding!  I will call security!  SIT DOWN!  SIT...YOUR INVITATION IS REVOKED!  LEAVE MY OFFICE!"
Caliphim: "Oh come on!  Not cool!"
Allaria: "Uninviting someone is so gauche!  Come dear.  We'll go to the tavern.  We're always invited there!"
Therapist: "I will fight you!  Make no mistake!  So help me, if I have to call in the monks from Kolyma, I will put an end to your reckoning!  Your Dark Lord..."
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samha...."
Therapist: "YOUR DARK LORD will never rule the land of the living!"
Allaria: "We'll make a follow-up appointment for next week."
Therapist: "You most certainly will not!  You are not invited back!"
Caliphim: "See you at your bedroom window tonight."
Therapist: "You won't be invited in."
Allaria: "That's what they all say.  They try to stay strong but after enduring our visitation night after night, they all weaken.  And then we feed."
Therapist: "YOU ARE UNNATURAL!  AN ABOMINATION!  I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE BALANCE OF LIFE HAS BEEN RETURNED!"
Caliphim: "There will be blood and darkness.  You will die like the rest."
Therapist: "OUT OF MY OFFICE!  OUT!"
Allaria: "None of you are safe!"

King Caliphim and Queen Allaria of the Green Isles
Diagnosis: THEY'RE FREAKING UNDEAD!
DESTROY THE BRAIN AND BURN THE BODIES IN A CLEANSING FIRE!

Wow.  I might not be sleeping tonight.  That was amazingly well written.

I feared this was about to be the last therapy session for a little while there!

Got bored so I figured I'd finally write the one character that I've been putting off for some reason.  Don't know why I kept putting her off.  It was pretty clear what she has.  Anyone who can cry at the drop of the hat like that then be fine clearly loves the drama!

"So, Queen Valanice, it's a pleasure to meet you."
"Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.  I hate to be such a bother."
"Well you're no bother at all your majesty."
"I'm sure that I am.  Why look at you!  You look so tired!"
"I...no, it's alright.  I just haven't slept well the past few nights.  The voices at the window keep calling me..."
"Nightmares all night and yet you still come in to work!"
"Nightmares...yes..."
"Oh no, you're an absolute saint for fitting little old me in.  Oh, listen to me, calling myself old!  I don't look that old do I?"
"Not at all.  You look quite majestic."
"Oh dear.  Majestic?  That's just code for 'old' isn't it?  I'm just mortified!"
"Wait, what?"
"Oh, I'm just playing with you.  I feel we've known each other for ages already.  You're quite good, you know."
"Am I?  I believe we're less than a minute in..."
"Well my dear Graham has told me about some of his sessions.  Do you know that he actually managed to take off his adventurer's cap for a full five minutes yesterday?"
"He was quite proud of that, yes."
"And my dear Rosella...  That mineral, what is it called?"
"Lithium."
"Yes, the lithium has been so helpful.  Why whenever I think of her..."  (begins to sob) "Oh Rosella!  My daughter!  My sweet child!"
"I'm sorry, are you holding a golden comb?  Is that yours or..."
"It belongs to my sweet one, Rosella!  It's all she left behind that time she vanished into the forest pool!"  (cries again) "My sweet Rosella!"
"Do you cry every time you look at the comb?"
"Of course I do!  What else would I do when I think of my poor lost child?"
"But she's not lost now."
"Of course not, but the trauma of it all!  I just don't know how I kept going!"
"So how often did you just spontaneously break out crying on your quest to find your daughter?"
"Whenever I looked at her comb!"
"So your sadness needed a trigger object?  You weren't so much overwhelmed with grief as you needed to express your grief with a prop?"
"I cried in the desert.  And again when I used the magic statuette in Falderal.  Oh, now that was a jolly place!  I laughed so hard in Falderal!"
"Ah.  So you went from spontaneous laughter to spontaneous sobbing then?"
"Oh, you just wouldn't understand unless you were there."
"I'm sure you wish I was there."
"Whatever do you mean?"
"As an audience."
"An audience?"
"You clearly want to be seen.  To have an audience."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because of how rapidly your emotions switch and how extremely you portray them."
"Perhaps I have that disease my darling Rosella has!  My dearest one!  We'll both be on the same medication.  Why, people won't be able to tell us apart!"
"I'm sure they'll manage."
"Oh you're no fun!  I was..."
"You were fishing for compliments, yes I know.  Again, you seem to want to be noticed.  You have this concept of how things should be, and to you, the way things should be is to be noticed all the time."
"So you don't think I have what Rosella has?"
"No I don't."
"Why not?"
"Rosella's mood swings come and go in episodes and are extreme.  Your emotions are shallow, though you portray them as extreme, and they switch as the situation demands."
"Shallow?  Are you saying I'm shallow?"
"I'm saying your emotional expression is shallow."
"I've never been so offended!"
"Exactly my point.  You've never been so offended?"
"Never!  I'm quite surprised at you!"
"So you were kidnapped by an evil witch and held in a tower alone for years, but me saying that your emotional expression is shallow, well that's just too much?  You've never been more offended than this moment."
"What is your point?"
"I think that tower is the point.  You were held there during your formative years when a growing girl needs the attention of her parents to guide her as she grows into a woman.  Your life was literally stopped and you had no one.  You were alone."
"I don't like to think about that."
"I know you don't.  It's why you try to get people's attention whenever you can, isn't it?  You don't want to be alone.  So you make your emotions big and dramatic.  Something's sad, you sob.  Something's slightly amusing, you laugh loudly.  You always make an entrance everyone will notice."
"Well now that's just expected.  I am queen, after all."
"You pretend that relationships are closer than they are."
"Scandalous!"
"No it's not.  That's not what I meant.  Though I'm sure you'd enjoy the drama if I did mean it that way.  No, what I mean is that you act like you're better friends with people than you actually are."
"I do not!"
"You did with me when we first started.  You said that you felt like we'd known each other for ages when we'd met for the first time literally thirty seconds before."
"And this is because of the tower?"
"Yes.  You feel that if you're not noticed, then you don't exist.  And that's a feeling that you know very well.  No one knew that you were in the tower until King Graham finally received a vision from his mirror.  You vanished off of the face of the earth, for all intents and purposes you stopped existing and lived a solitary lifestyle until you were rescued.  And now you dread that loneliness.  If you don't have an audience you feel like you're back in the tower."
"Really?"
"Yes.  And on top of that, since you were in the tower during your formative years, you never had much practice on emotional expression anyway.  So now you just go by what you see.  You try to recreate what you never really knew and don't totally understand because of the extreme neglect of your upbringing.  You try to fit in, though you never feel that you do.  And so your emotions become a drama to attract an audience."
"And what does that make me?"
"A drama queen."
"Is that a clinical term?"
"Not really, but it's the most relatable one."

Queen Valanice of Daventry
Diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder

Damn, that is awesome! God, the one with Rosella and the first one with Edgar are my favorites! xD It's really interesting how Psychology can make everybody seem kinda sick... or it just means that we all are kinda sick?

Everyone has their own issues and quirks.  One in four of people actually qualify as having a mental health diagnosis to varying degrees of severity.  Unfortunately few people actually seek help due to the stigma of being "crazy."  Mental illness is no different than physical illnesses, but it still holds an incredible stigma.  People don't like to think about mental health because they see it as creepy and it reminds them that we all have the potential to have mental problems.  So programs aren't properly funded, people who seek help are shamed, the mentally ill are treated as dangerous criminals by the population and the media, and then when that small minority of the severely mentally ill actually does commit a violent crime, it's sensationalized and society cries out that something should have been done.  It's like defunding all medical care then complaining that people are getting sicker.  But enough of my soapbox.  You're here for mentally ill King's Quest characters, right?  Here's the latest!  Hopefully it casts the urgency of King's Quest IV in a slightly different light.

"Well, Ms. Genesta, it's good to meet you."
"I wish we could meet under better circumstances."
"We'll get into that in a moment.  First off, though, I was wondering if you as a practitioner of magic know of any spells to ward off the undead.  I'm...uh...a friend of mine is having some difficulties."
"Would that I could..."
"I'm just so tired.  They come every night.  Need to sleep soon..."
"Unfortunately magic is beyond me.  You see, my talisman has gone missing."
"Ah.  That's what you meant by wishing we could meet under better circumstances."
"I fear I shall be dead within a day.  I can feel my power weakening."
"Shouldn't you be in bed then?  Why are you here?"
"I was but my fairy nurses insisted I come here."
"That's interesting.  Why would they insist on that if you're dying?"
"I think they're tired of looking after me.  They say I get sick too often."
"Wait, this isn't the first time you've been sick?"
"Well, Lolotte once stole my talisman and I nearly died.  Another time the chain broke in the forest and fell off, but I didn't notice until later.  I nearly died then too but my nurses found it in time.  And then I accidentally knocked the talisman under my bed.  I didn't realize it was missing until a day or two later.  I could have died!"
"But you didn't die.  Did you get sick?"
"Once I saw it was gone I started feeling bad."
"And before that?"
"I didn't notice."
"I see.  And where is your talisman now?"
"I don't know.  I suspect that one of my fairy nurses stole it because she doesn't think I need it to live."
"But you do?"
"You must understand, my powers are tied to the talisman.  Without it, I die."
"You die?  You don't just lose your powers?"
"I need my powers to live!"
"I live pretty well without powers.  Most people do, in fact.  Are you saying that your heartbeat, brain activity, breathing, and so on are all tied to your fairy powers?"
"I..."
"Because you seem to be physically functional right now."
"But I'm dying!"
"I find it interesting, though, that when you misplaced your talisman before you didn't feel sick.  At least not until you noticed it was gone."
"What are you saying?"
"Well, it seems that your fairy nurses, who I'm assuming are pretty well up on fairy anatomy and medical care..."
"I only hire the best care."
"Of course.  And these nurses who are the best and brightest seem to feel that you're not in any danger and that your illness is more a product of your mind."
"What do they know?"
"Quite a lot.  You only hire the best, remember?"
"I'm dying!  My talisman has all my power!"
"Does it?  So you can't do anything now, can you?"
"Not without my talisman!"
"Refresh my memory.  When Lolotte stole your talisman, how did you get it back?"
"I had Princess Rosella get it for me."
"How did Rosella come to Tamir?"
"I brought her."
"Oh, you had your fairy subjects go get her and..."
"No, there was no time for that.  I teleported her."
"How?"
"With my fairy powers."
"Your fairy powers."
"It...it takes time for all my power to leave once the talisman is gone.  I wouldn't have been able to teleport Rosella back.  I was almost too weak to fly at that point."
"Ah, so this talisman that holds all your powers was gone, but you still mustered up enough power to project your image into the Daventry magic mirror, do a teleportation act, and to fly around."
"That's the way fairy power works."
"I guess I always just assumed that power was either something you had or your didn't have.  That's quite a lot you were able to manage without your talisman."
"I am very powerful.  But I am nothing without my talisman."
"Your talisman holds great power then."
"It is all I am.  It holds my greatest, most powerful magic."
"I guess we were all fortunate Lolotte was so lazy then."
"Excuse me?"
"Well it occurs to me that Lolotte's significant power combined with all your power would have given her the ability to utterly lay waste.  Why wouldn't she have just done that?  Why was she having Rosella run around Tamir fetching things that she could have used this awesome power to collect for herself?  Why wasn't she just taking over the whole world?  All I can think is that she was lazy."
"Lolotte was pure evil.  She wasn't lazy, she was vicious and..."
"Well there is another explanation then."
"And that is?"
"Your talisman doesn't really hold all your magic.  It may amplify a bit, but it doesn't contain all that you are."
"But I'll die without it!  I have no power!"
"Except for when you need to use your power.  Then you use it, though you're quick to point out that you're getting weaker and probably couldn't do it again.  You don't seem to be dying."
"I'm sick!"
"Medical opinion says that you're not.  What's more, your physical symptoms don't follow any sort of rational pattern.  It takes a set amount of time to waste away, but if you get the talisman back, you're healthy within seconds with no deleterious effects.  It seems to me that you're healthy with or without the talisman.  It's when you realize that the talisman is gone that you suddenly get the consequences.  That doesn't make sense.  It's Wile E. Coyote logic.  Gravity works all the time.  Not just when you look down."
"Are you comparing my magic talisman to..."
"Look, Lolotte had your talisman and it didn't give her any additional power.  You were without your talisman and were able to perform magic.  Your talisman appears to be irrelevant to your condition.  Your mind is making it relevant."
"You don't think I'm dying?"
"No I don't.  I think that you're making yourself sick due to anxiety and due to underlying issues.  How much stress would you say you're under?"
"Well Lolotte's guards have taken over her castle.  They've declared themselves an independent nation."
"Interesting."
"There are three cannibalistic witches in a forest of murderous trees."
"Right."
"An ogre and his wife terrorize the countryside."
"Ok.  So it seems that..."
"There's a diamond mine in my land.  The dwarves run that and...I don't like to think about the methods they use."
"I'm well aware of why the phrase 'blood diamond' exists."
"Oh, and there are the zombies.  Every night, the zombies and the ghosts and the mummies..."
"The undead...always whispering...always there..."
"The resident troll keeps eating people."
"Ok, right.  And meanwhile you're overlooking from your personal castle.  Your castle, which is the only haven from the..."
"Oh, and my island is surrounded by sharks."
"Right.  So a fair amount of stress then?"
"A little.  I'm feeling very sick.  I need my talisman."
"Yeah, no.  I think you need to deal with the stress.  Do you notice how you're feeling worse after talking about the stress?  Your talisman has nothing to do with it.  The issue is that you're in charge of a kingdom that you are, quite frankly, ill-equipped to deal with.  It's a wild world out there and you can't control it.  So your mind controls your body.  It's the one thing you feel is totally within your control.  You have your talisman and everything will be ok.  You don't and it all falls apart."
"I...I really don't need to be here.  I just need my talisman.  I'll feel better when I get my talisman back."

Genesta
Diagnosis: Conversion Disorder

Speaking as someone who has or has had four different, obscure, highly rare things wrong with her in the last four years and was never taken seriously until she insisted on having an internal ultrasound and getting a proper diagnosis, I feel the need to point out that, even though it might make no sense, not everything is psychosomatic. :P

Quote from: Damar on May 17, 2011, 08:45:24 PM
Everyone has their own issues and quirks.  One in four of people actually qualify as having a mental health diagnosis to varying degrees of severity.  Unfortunately few people actually seek help due to the stigma of being "crazy." 

Well said. I think something has to be done about mental illnesses - they still have a very rough reputation... Also, the awareness of these symptons or illnesses are just shocking. For example, I got an acquaintance who is schizophrenic, and everybody who know him too keep talking about him as if he was a multiple. Schizophrenia and DID are not the same, however. It is sometimes just shocking how little people know, altough they do judge everything without thinking further...

Quote from: Deloria on May 18, 2011, 10:06:26 AM
Speaking as someone who has or has had four different, obscure, highly rare things wrong with her in the last four years and was never taken seriously until she insisted on having an internal ultrasound and getting a proper diagnosis, I feel the need to point out that, even though it might make no sense, not everything is psychosomatic. :P

that sounds bad :S I hope you're fine!

Quote from: Buddy1991 on May 23, 2011, 01:15:18 AM

Quote from: Damar on May 17, 2011, 08:45:24 PM
Everyone has their own issues and quirks.  One in four of people actually qualify as having a mental health diagnosis to varying degrees of severity.  Unfortunately few people actually seek help due to the stigma of being "crazy." 

Well said. I think something has to be done about mental illnesses - they still have a very rough reputation... Also, the awareness of these symptons or illnesses are just shocking. For example, I got an acquaintance who is schizophrenic, and everybody who know him too keep talking about him as if he was a multiple. Schizophrenia and DID are not the same, however. It is sometimes just shocking how little people know, altough they do judge everything without thinking further...

This is so annoying! :P I have similarly idiotic acquaintances. Maybe idiots have a collective unconscious? Or a shared collection of their idiotic misconceptions?

Quote from: Buddy1991 on May 23, 2011, 01:15:18 AM

Quote from: Deloria on May 18, 2011, 10:06:26 AM
Speaking as someone who has or has had four different, obscure, highly rare things wrong with her in the last four years and was never taken seriously until she insisted on having an internal ultrasound and getting a proper diagnosis, I feel the need to point out that, even though it might make no sense, not everything is psychosomatic. :P

that sounds bad :S I hope you're fine!

Nothing too serious. :) Just lots of very painful stuff. :(

Quote from: Deloria on May 23, 2011, 07:52:17 AM
Maybe idiots have a collective unconscious?

It's called television. :P

Quote from: snabbott on May 23, 2011, 10:33:07 AM

Quote from: Deloria on May 23, 2011, 07:52:17 AM
Maybe idiots have a collective unconscious?

It's called television. :P

XD XD XD This is going in here (http://www.postudios.com/blog/forum/index.php?topic=8660.0). :P

Thanks! ;D

Yeah, the awareness of what the actual disorders are is pretty bad.  And people mistaking schizophrenia for dissociative identity disorder is something that really bugs me.  Likewise when people assume bipolar disorder means that you're up and down all day.  People are pretty ignorant about mental illness and tend to like it that way because no one likes to think that someone can go along normally until a mental illness onsets.  They accept it just fine for physical health, but mental health has always been considered "different."

Oh, and it's always best practice to rule out all physical health problems before diagnosing someone with conversion disorder.  Still, when it comes to Genesta, it's all in her head.  I'd put money on that.

Anyway, here's the next mentally ill King's Quest character.  She's pretty out there.  I tried to keep it PG.  It could have gone in a very...interesting direction.  But I don't want to get warned or banned, so I kept it family friendly.  Enjoy!

Therapist: "Ok, so is this a couples counseling?"
Beast: "It's more that I'm worried about Beauty."
Beauty: "I've told you, Beast honey, I'm fine."
Beast: "For the last time, my name isn't Beast!  Stop calling me that!  I'm not a beast anymore!"
Therapist: "Why do you call him Beast?"
Beauty: "It reminds me of what he was.  A poor beast that needed my love.  And I do love him."
Beast: "Do you?  Do you really?  I begin to wonder..."
Therapist: "Ok, according to the chart here, you were changed into a beast many years back by an evil witch and the only way to break the spell was to find a woman who would love and accept you even with your beastly appearance."
Beast: "Yes."
Therapist: "Well that is...interesting.  Ok, so Beauty, you agreed to go live with Beast and marry him.  I'd imagine a lot of thought went into that choice."
Beauty: "About a minute."
Therapist: "Right.  That's funny."
Beast: "No, she's serious.  She agreed to come marry me after talking to Prince Alexander for about a minute.  She broke the spell!  But now she keeps trying to remind me of what I was!  I think that..."
Therapist: "We'll get to all that in a minute.  Right now, since you're worried about your wife, I'd like to stay on this topic.  Beauty, you decided to leave your home and marry a beast after about a minute of conversation?"
Beauty: "Well, my home life wasn't good.  My step-mother made me work all the time.  I think she was afraid to have me leave the house.  And she hated it when I tended the garden.  She always told me I was unnatural and an embarrassment to her."
Therapist: "I can certainly understand wanting to escape an abusive household.  Still, making the choice to marry a beast you've never met...  What did Alexander do to convince you?"
Beauty: "He gave me a white rose."
Beast: "Oh, here we go with the roses again!  It's all about the roses!"
Beauty: "I love roses so much.  I tended them at home, until our front yard was all abloom with curtains and fountains of roses.  And then Alexander showed me a rose of white!"
Beast: "My wife loves roses.  A lot."
Therapist: "They are a beautiful flower.  I've always been partial to daffodils myself, but roses are nice too."
Beast: "No, you don't understand.  My wife really loves roses.  It's all she talks about.  She spends most of her time in my rose garden and in the hedge maze made from the rose bushes."
Therapist: "It sounds, Beauty, like your husband feels you spend too much time out among the roses, that he may be lonely."
Beauty: "I just feel such a sense of rapture among the roses.  I like to pick them and run their petals along my skin..."
Beast: "There's never a moment she's not holding a rose, or touching a rose.  She even makes me run roses along her when we..."
Therapist: "Family friendly!  Keep it family friendly!  Can I have a nice, tame session just once? "
Beast: "It never stops with the roses!  It excites her!"
Beauty: "And is that so wrong?"
Therapist: "Evidently your step-mother thought so.  You said she hated it when you were in the garden."
Beauty: "She said it was unnatural how long I spent with the roses.  Caressing them..."
Therapist: "And were you spending a lot of time in the garden?"
Beauty: "I would just stand there, touching the roses."
Therapist: "So that's why your step-mother was embarrassed.  And she became abusive because of it."
Beauty: "She was terrible."
Therapist: "I'm sure she was.  People's ignorance often leads to terrible behaviors."
Beauty: "All I wanted was to spend time with the roses.  And the guard dogs."
Therapist: "Wait, what?  Guard dogs?"
Beauty: "Oh, they're just so big and strong!  They're almost human, but they're not!"
Therapist: "Ok, and we've just moved into a whole new area here."
Beast: "If it's not the roses, it's the talk about the guard dogs, or the minotaur, or of me being a beast again."
Therapist: "How do you feel about the wildlife on this island?"
Beauty: "They're nice, but they're just animals."
Therapist: "You like the anthropomorphic creatures.  Creatures that look like a human in the skin of an animal."
Beauty: "Yes.  Oh, yes!"
Therapist: "So it wasn't just the rose that attracted you, was it, Beauty?  You liked the fact that you were to marry a beast."
Beauty: "It seems like such an adventure!  And he had a strong, kind face!  He was almost human."
Beast: "I am a human!"
Beauty: "And when I found that he had been transformed into a beast...well..."
Therapist: "You really loved that idea, didn't you?"
Beauty: "I must confess I did!"
Beast: "And you keep trying to return me to that form!  You know how hard it was for me to wear that twisted body!  She won't even let me change the name of the island.  It's still called Isle of the Beast!"
Therapist: "You try to make him return to being a beast?"
Beauty: "I love my husband.  It's just...well...the beast was more exciting!"
Beast: "She keeps insisting I wear pelts and bearskin rugs over my head every time we..."
Therapist: "Keep it family friendly!"
Beast: "Do you know how hard it is to rub roses on a woman while wearing a bearskin rug and still managing to..."
Therapist: "FAMILY FRIENDLY!"
Beast: "She won't have it any other way!"
Therapist: "Ok, while your wife clearly has some...issues that we can work through, you have your own share of difficulties, though nothing diagnosable.  Mainly, you've had these unrealistic expectations.  I realize that you were a beast for a long time, but even so, did you really expect a completely happy marriage from a woman you just met?  All couples have their spats and it's just something you work through and learn from.  But you had an impulsive wedding.  You didn't even know anything about Beauty."
Beast: "You're saying this is my fault?"
Therapist: "I'm saying that Beauty may have some things to work through, but you also need to back off her a little.  You were just as much a part of the decision to get married.  You didn't know your bride, but you married her anyway.  At least some of the responsibility falls on you to work through these difficulties instead of grousing over the fact that this pairing isn't ideal."
Beast: "But she keeps..."
Therapist: "I understand that you feel a bit of betrayal that these issues came out of nowhere.  You probably feel she hid them from you."
Beast: "Exactly!"
Therapist: "She didn't though.  If you wanted forewarning about these issues, you shouldn't have married Beauty the moment you saw her.  And really, if someone decides to marry a beast without even having met them...well, call me judgmental, but that raises a red flag or two in my opinion."
Beast: "I suppose."
Therapist: "But it's clear that Beauty does love you."
Beast: "She doesn't love me, she loves the beast!"
Beauty: "I love you both!"
Therapist: "I understand that, but you have to understand that being a beast was traumatic for your husband.  He didn't like it, even though you found his shape pleasing.  Asking him to role play that he's a beast again is going to be difficult for him.  The fact that he's actually done that for you shows how much he loves you."
Beauty: "I guess that's true.  I just loved the look of him as a beast."
Therapist: "Your husband's transformation back to a human hit you pretty hard, didn't it Beauty?"
Beauty: "I was saddened."
Beast: "She was downright depressed!  At first I thought it was because she thought I wouldn't marry her after the enchantment was broken.  But no!  It was because I wasn't a creature anymore!"
Beauty: "Though seeing him transform was...appealing."
Therapist: "But you'd prefer he change back to a beast again."
Beauty: "Is that so wrong?  I came to the island to marry a beast!  And instead I got a human.  I love him, I really do, but he's not a beast!  At least I have the roses..."

Queen Beauty of the Isle of the Beast
Diagnosis: 1. Fetishism – Dendrophilia
(She really likes roses.  A lot)
2. Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified – Combination Plushophilia and Transformation Fetish
(She's basically a Furry)

XD

XD XD XD XD XD

That was fantastic XD

Also,

QuoteOh, and it's always best practice to rule out all physical health problems before diagnosing someone with conversion disorder.  Still, when it comes to Genesta, it's all in her head.  I'd put money on that.

Agreed!

That. Was. Epic.

QuoteBeast: "Do you know how hard it is to rub roses on a woman while wearing a bearskin rug and still managing to..."

Best. Quote. Ever.

I'm impressed by how accurate to the games you can keep the therapy sessions while still making them hilarious. Oh, King's Quest. So many things to poke fun at, yet we love you so much.

I try to stay as true to the games as possible.  I find it funnier that way.  When you think about it, there are some really weird characters in King's Quest.  Sometimes the easiest way to explain their behaviors is mental illness.  Speaking of which...

"So I understand your granddaughter is worried about you."
"Oh, I can't understand why my little girl would be so..."
"Let's cut right to the chase here.  She's afraid you'll be eaten by a wolf."
"Fiddlesticks."
"Well according to the Kolyma Predator Registry, you do have a wolf residing in your area.  Reports indicate that he frequently stops in at your house."
"He's just a nice old wolf."
"Do you think it's wise to have wolves around your granddaughter?"
"Oh, she's out wandering the woods most of the time."
"Interesting.  You let your young granddaughter wander the woods.  Alone.  All day long."
"She's fine."
"And meanwhile you allow the wolf into your home.  What does he do?"
"Oh he tries to eat me.  I have to hide."
"And then what does he do?"
"Dresses up in my clothes and takes a nap in my bed."
"While you're hiding?"
"Yes.  He's just a nice old wolf.  And he does enjoy a good flannel nighty."
"Don't we all.  But I can't help but see this as a problem."
"Nonsense."
"How often do you let the wolf in?"
"Oh, he just breaks in."
"Does he, indeed?"
"Oh yes.  Well, that's just his way, don't you know?"
"And certainly we can't blame him for that."
"Certainly not."
"No, why would he be blamed for breaking into a woman's house, trying to kill her, stealing her clothes, and making himself at home?"
"I think you're painting him in quite an unfair light."
"You admitted he does all of those things."
"Well yes, but..."
"But what?  The reality is that he does all those things."
"People judge him so harshly.  People are so prejudiced just because he wears my clothes.  Society should be more enlightened."
"The fact that the wolf is a transvestite is not the issue here.  The concern is that he is physically threatening you and your granddaughter and you keep defending him."
"Oh you just don't understand.  People said the same thing about the vampire."
"I'm sorry, did you say vampire?"
"Why yes.  There was a very nice vampire who lived in the middle of that pretty lake."
"The poisoned lake."
"The very one!  Yes, he used to pay me visits and whisper things from the darkness."
"So you were terrorized by a vampire?"
"Terrorized?  That's such a strong term!  Well he did try to suck my blood once, but the cross that monk gave me scared him off.  He left behind his cloak and ring.  Such a nice vampire."
"He tried to suck your blood."
"Well of course!  That's what vampires do, silly!  You can't blame him for that."
"You certainly can!  It's your blood!"
"Well, regardless, he doesn't come in anymore.  He just floats by the window every night, scratching the glass, whispering for me to invite him in."
"And I'm sure your granddaughter just takes this all in stride..."
"She doesn't cry as much anymore.  She hardly talks much anymore either, come to think of it.  I think she just lies awake at night now.  It doesn't matter.  I like the vampire visits, though I won't invite him in.  I'd just end up scaring him with that cross again."
"Any other visitors you enjoy having?"
"Well the dwarf does come in and take my food."
"Do you ever lock your door?"
"Oh, the dwarf just keeps breaking the locks, so I never lock up anymore.  If the poor dear is hungry, then he can have my food."
"So you act as a food pantry for a thieving dwarf?"
"Sometimes I get hungry, but you know that dwarves have quite the appetite.  He needs the food more than I do."
"And your granddaughter?"
"She's little.  She doesn't need much food."
"So your granddaughter spends her day wandering the forest, her afternoons wondering if a wolf will be in her house, her evenings without food, and her nights wide awake being terrorized by a vampire?"
"Oh, posh!  That's all character-building!  Why in my day..."
"You know what, I'm going to cut you off there.  I've heard all I need to right now.  I have a ton of documentation to do on this.  I'm going to go ahead and call child protective services."
"There's nothing wrong with how I raise my granddaughter!  She's not in danger!"
"What happened to her mother again?"
"The wolf ate her."
"Excuse me.  I need to make a call."
"Oh, but he was hungry!  You just don't understand!  What will they do with my Little Red?  Put her in the system?  Give her to the antique lady?  She's the crazy one!  She talks to birds!"
"At least she won't be eaten by a wolf."

Grandma
Diagnosis: Stockholm Syndrome

That's great! I could hear the Grandma from Hoodwinked - I believe that was Glenn Close - voicing her. Lol. I actually know people like that, although one is severely mentally ill, as confirmed by doctors. But those I know just get used and abused completely for that thought pattern.

Next up is a pretty busy one.  We've got a pretty obvious diagnosis as well as expanding on the call-backs I've been doing, followed by a whole new direction.  See that below you?  That's a shark.  I'm jumping that sucker so hard!  Enjoy!

"Alright, so you're mandated to attend for a psychiatric evaluation.  Tell me, why is that?"
"I'm a kleptomaniac."
"Is that so?"
"Yes.  You just need to sign papers saying that for the court."
"And what proof do you have that you're a kleptomaniac?"
"I steal things!  What more do you need?"
"Just stealing things isn't enough for a diagnosis."
"You don't know anything about dwarf psychology, do you?"
"I know that it's no different than any other psychology."
"That's what you think.  You're no expert.  Any expert would see that I have kleptomania."
"And what have you stolen?"
"Treasure.  Lots of treasure.  And jewelry.  I stole some sapphire earrings once.  But some scumbag broke in and took them!"
"The nerve!"
"Don't get sarcastic with me."
"I wouldn't dream of it.  What else do you steal?"
"I don't know.  Soup?  Look, I have kleptomania!"
"Now you reside in Kolyma, isn't that right?"
"What does that have to do with my kleptomania?"
"But you're also being charged with crimes from Daventry.  All theft related, correct?"
"Yes.  That would make sense for someone with kleptomania.  You're wasting my time.  Wait...was that someone at your door?"
"Just ignore it.  Ok, so you're a kleptomaniac because you steal jewelry?"
"Yeah.  I think that's the definition of kleptomania!"
"Actually it's specifically not."
"Shows what you know."
"Yes.  Yes it does."
"If you're so smart then why don't you tell me what I have if it's not kleptomania?  I...ok, seriously, it sounds like someone is scratching at your door!"
"They're always scratching, but I won't let them in.  As for your diagnosis, the facts seem to paint a clear picture.  You lived in Daventry where you robbed everyone around you.  When you crossed too many people there, you relocated to Kolyma and robbed people of their jewelry and stole their food to feed yourself.  You're diagnosis is fairly simple.  You're a thief."
"I have a disease!"
"No you don't.  Kleptomaniacs steal items of no value.  It's a compulsion to steal.  You've stolen valuable items and things of use to you.  You've also shown insight into what you're doing by trying to avoid prosecution.  You don't have a compulsion.  You just like to steal."
"Do I look like I'm enjoying this?"
"No.  But then I said you like to steal, not that you like getting caught."
"You don't know what you're talking about!"
"If you say so, but that will be on my report to the judge.  You don't have kleptomania."

That Dwarf (Prisoner Number 6)
Diagnosis: 1. Malingering
2. Probable Antisocial Personality Trai...

Dwarf: "Ok, seriously, there are people scratching at your door!  This is completely unprofessional!  I will sue!"
Therapist: "It's not..."
Dwarf: "No, it's a violation of my privacy!  I will sue you all and demand a mistrial and...they're still there!  Ok, whoever's out there, by all means come in!"
Therapist: "NO!  DON'T INVITE THEM IN!" (The door flies open and two figures float in)
Allaria: "We knew you would break eventually."
Caliphim: "Tonight we shall feast well to the glory of our Dark Lord Samhain!"
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Dwarf: "What in the Dimension of Death is going on here?"
Caliphim: "We are from the Realm of the Dead, not that quaint little pretend land you so laughingly fear."
Allaria: "We have tasted darkness of which your Dimension of Death could only dream."
Caliphim: "Azriel is such a pansy."
Allaria: "Totally."
Caliphim: "And now we shall deliver you both to our Dark Lord.
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Samhain!"
Dwarf: "What the what?"
Therapist: "Begone thou foul creatures of darkness!  The dwarf has no authority here!  This is my realm and you were not invited by me!"
Caliphim: "Oh come on!  That's just splitting hairs!"
Allaria: "But I'm hungry now!  I wanna feast on his flesh!"
Therapist: "Begone, I say!  Avaunt and return no more!"
Caliphim: "Fine!  But know this: you will break eventually and when you do invite us in, we will kill you outright!  No theatrics!  We're done screwing around with you!"
Allaria: "Seriously, you are so dead next time!  We are totally going to feast on your flesh and drink your blood!"
Caliphim: "And then the blood orgy!"
Allaria: "Yes, the blood orgy!  All in accordance with our Dark Lord's plan!"
Caliphim and Allaria: "Hail Sam..."
Therapist:  "Get out!"
Caliphim: "Fine, we're leaving, we're leaving.  But you can't run forever.  We will have you!"
Therapist: "I think not!  I will remove your blight from this earth even if I must travel to the Realm of the Dead myself!"
Allaria: "Foolishness!  You cannot!"
Therapist: "Yes I can!  Flesh can cross the portal and seek its master death!"
Caliphim: "Can not!"
Therapist: "Can too!"
Caliphim: "Nuh-uh!"
Therapist: "Uh-huh!  I even have vacation time saved up!  I will too cross the portal and seek my master death!  You two are going back from whence you came!  Now get out of my office!"
Caliphim: "You will die mortal!"
Allaria: "I'll swallow your soul!"
Caliphim: "NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!"  (Caliphim and Allaria leave)
Therapist: "I might be as good as dead, but I won't give you the satisfaction of taking me yourselves.
Dwarf: "Ha!  Sucks to be you, doesn't it?"
Therapist: "Yes it does.  Every day..."
Dwarf: "You are so dead!"
Therapist: "Maybe, but you're still going back to jail."
Dwarf: "They might have given me an ogre as a cellmate, but at least I don't have the living dead after me!  I'll be out on parole in a few years.  Your soul is going to be devoured for all eternity!  HA!"
Therapist: "We'll see about that.  I'd better get packing..."

That Dwarf (Prisoner Number 6)
Diagnosis: 1. Malingering
2. Definite Antisocial Personality Traits

King Caliphim and Queen Allaria of the Land of the Green Isles
Diagnosis: THEY'RE STILL FREAKING UNDEAD!
And they're going down...

(Posted on: July 11, 2011, 10:53:53 PM)

---

The next installment in the therapist versus the undead saga.  Spoiler alert: Diagnoses are involved.

"Wow!  Zombies are really out in full force tonight, aren't they?  I swear, that one zombie with the knife in her back kept trying to cop a feel off me.  But my mother always warned me about bad ghouls.  Not that I needed her advice for this.  Seriously, they've probably got a disease so bad it would peel my skin off!  So, can I get into that tendony skull thing?"
"Tickets only!"
"Ah.  Right down to business, aren't you?  Kind of expected you to ask about how I managed to get to the Realm of the Dead.  I thought it would be tricky, but Nightmare always hangs out at the Isle of the Sacred Mountain and once you deal with her separation anxiety it's no problem to get close to her and..."
"Ticket please."
"Of course.  I'm rambling, aren't I?  I guess I'm just not the best at dealing with zombies and hoary netherworlds.  The rambling is kind of a defense mechanism.  It lets me..."
"Ticket please."
"You're really not much for conversation, are you?  Maybe I should just walk past you and..." (guard draws a sword)
"Tickets only."
"And you clearly don't like your personal space invaded, do you?"
"Ticket please."
"Are you even making eye contact with me?"
"Ticket please."
"You're not, are you?  You're just staring straight ahead."
"Ticket please."
"And you have a limited vocabulary."
"Ticket please."
"Yeah, you're barely even verbal, aren't you?"
"Ticket please."
"Look, I'm not dead so I don't have a ticket."
"Tickets only."
"I don't have a ticket!  I'm alive!  I was not issued a ticket!"
"Tickets only."
"Holy crap, are you concrete about this!"
"Tickets only."
"Yes I know, but I don't have one!  I seek an audience with the Lord of the Dead!  I am flesh and I've totally crossed the portal!  You know...to seek my master death and whatnot!"
"Tickets only."
"Ok, seriously, you are the most rigid person I have ever met.  There is just no flexibility here, is there?"
"Ticket please."
"You've been like this for a long time, haven't you?"
"Ticket please."
"No social appropriateness, limited verbal skills, rigidity..."
"Ticket please."
"And an overriding obsession with tickets."
"Ticket..."
"Look, I did not put up with a ferryman with an obsessive compulsive need to talk all the way to the Isle of the Sacred Mountain, be insulted by Azure's megalomania, and treat an animal's separation anxiety just so I could dodge nymphomaniac zombies and find myself having a one-sided conversation with a skeleton guard Rain Man who can't even...YOU'RE STILL NOT LOOKING AT ME!"
"...please."
"FINE!  FREAKIN' FINE!  I'LL GET YOUR TICKET!"
"Tickets only."
"SHUT UP ALREADY!  I SAID I'D FIND A TICKET!"
"Next."

Realm of the Dead Gatekeeper
Diagnosis: Autism

(Posted on: August 18, 2011, 09:38:49 PM)

---

I was bored.  So here's another.

"Hello?  Anyone who isn't a zombie?  Do any of you have tickets?  Does anyone...have...um, no!  NO!  I said anyone who's not a zombie!  Back off!  Yeah, that's right, you shuffle away!  I will...I will end you if you come near me!  With my...my fists...or something..."
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Oh, thank God, someone who isn't a zombie!"
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Um...hello?  Did you lose someone?"
"My son was lost!"
"Lost?  You mean, in this realm?"
"No, his spirit was stuck in the land of the living!  I could not leave to go show him the way!"
"Oh.  I can't help but notice you're referring to this whole episode in the past tense.  Is he lost somewhere else now?"
"No.  A mortal man showed him the way here."
"Ok.  So he's not lost anymore then?"
"He has continued to the Sea of Souls."
"Fair enough.  And you're here because..."
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"He's in the Sea of Souls.  Why do you keep asking?"
"Because I do.  And I am still here because I don't want to be crowded by other souls."
"Well it seems you do need room for your acrobatics.  You flit in a circle a lot, don't you?  It's like you're stuck in an animation loop."
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Yeah, and the voice is kind of on a loop too, isn't it?"
"I cannot stop!"
"This isn't about the Sea of Souls being crowded, is it?  You're a ghost so you're immaterial.  You don't like being around people because you feel you..."
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"You feel you draw attention to yourself by constantly saying the same thing and making the same movement over and over again."
"They'll all laugh at me!"
"They're dead.  I think they're all beyond laughing."
"They won't understand!  Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Again, they're dead.  But this was an issue when you were alive, wasn't it?  You've learned that people don't understand your...idiosyncrasies."
"No one understood but my poor Ali.  I sent him on so that he wouldn't have to stay among the lost souls with me."
"Look, I understand that you feel the need to say the same phrase and move in the same motion, but you can't put off your entire afterlife because of it."
"I like it up here.  The ghouls are always fun to watch.  There's one behind you now."
"HEY!  BACK UP!  BACK!  UP!  NO!  BAD ZOMBIE!  I need to get a rolled up newspaper to handle these guys."
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Look, I know it's difficult to stand out and it must be pretty horrible to find out that your psychiatric disorders transferred into death, but no one will be judging you in the Sea of Souls.  They're all busy coexisting and...mingling...and...whatever it is you ghosts do."
"Perhaps..."
"And I'm sure you want to see your Ali again."
"I do but I...Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Well, that's something you can work towards.  Meanwhile, maybe there's something you can do up here on the surface?  There seem to be other restless spirits who can't move on to the Sea of Souls.  Maybe you could start a support group or something?"
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"It's something to think about, anyway."
"I will.  Did you say you needed a ticket?"
"A while ago, yes."
"You can have mine!"
"I couldn't do that!"
"They'll just issue me a new one since I'm a ghost."
"Then what's the point of tickets in the first place?"
"The Gatekeeper likes them."
"Oh.  Right.  The whole rigidity and order thing.  That actually makes sense."
"Here, take my ticket.  I may join my Ali someday but for now I...ghoul behind you!"
"HEY! NO!  BAD ZOMBIE!  VERY BAD ZOMBIE!"
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)
"Oh, I'm just going to get out of here now.  Nice meeting you."
"Ali!  Where is my poor little boy?  Ali!"  (ghost flits in a circle)

Ghost Mother
Diagnosis: Tourette Syndrome

"Hey, Gatekeeper!"
"Tickets only!"
"Oh, well then I guess I can't enter...unless..."
"Ticket please."
"TICKET FOR THE WIN!"
"Go on."
"BOOYAH!  That's right, I have a ticket!  Boo-to-the-yah!"
"Go on."
"You are really dragging the fun out of this for me."
"Go on."
"Fine.  Whatever."
"Next."

Realm of the Dead Gatekeeper
Diagnosis: Autism.  Definitely Autism.

I can't believe there haven't been any replies to these - they're great! Actually, I initially thought the kleptomania one was going to be Graham, since he picks up whatever he finds. :P

Nah, Graham is on the first page with OCD and a note to rule out kleptomania.  Coupled with the fact that he never changes his clothes, his need to pick up objects is more a neurotic ritual than kleptomania.  In my professional opinion, anyway.

And now, the Realm of the Dead saga continues.  Enjoy!

"Ok, so I'm going to need to get into your boat."
"..."
"It's Charon, right?  It's been a while since I read my Greek myths.  I need to see Samhain.  Who is not part of Greek mythology.  How does that work?"
"..."
"How much do you know about this place?  Did you know there's a knight's skeleton on the path back there?  It looks like might have been alive when he came here."
"..."
"It's just that, you know, I kind of care about that thing.  Seeing as how I'm alive and all.  He's just sitting out there.  Couldn't someone, I don't know, bury him or something?"
"..."
"And there was a ghost hanging out inside his armor doing...well, I don't know what he was doing."
"..."
"No, that's a lie.  I know exactly what the ghost was doing in there.  It's just...well, is it still technically necrophilia if you're also dead?"
"..."
"Because you wouldn't think so, but then it was a dead, unmoving shell that attracted the ghost, not another spirit or an animated corpse.  So that points to a need for control and a desire for a nonliving partner.  It all still has a necrophiliac bent to it."
"..."
"Yeah, I think it's necrophilia too.  Anyway, I really could use a ride on your boat."
"..."
"Please?"
"..."
"You don't talk, do you?"
"..."
"Or do you just not talk to me?"
"..."
"I don't care if you are a skeleton, I know skeletons can talk.  The one outside the gate did."
"..."
"Ghosts talk, and they don't have vocal cords."
"..."
"The skeleton boatman in the Dimension of Death, who's totally copying your style, talks."
"..."
"So by extension, you can talk to."
"..."
"No, you're not a mute.  Mutes have something wrong with their vocal chords or brain damage or some other physical cause.  That issue is moot here.  Ha!  Get it?  It's moot!  It..."
"..."
"It...it sounds like mute.  Moot.  Mute.  Yeah, I hate myself for that.  Sorry."
"..."
"The point is that any physical cause of mutism is nullified here because you're dead.  You have no vocal chords, ergo you are able to speak through whatever mechanism you vocal cordless dead people use."
"..."
"And you're not a deaf-mute because you clearly are responding to my voice.  You choose not to speak.  Why is that?"
"..."
"I should have known better than to ask."
"..."
"Look, I just want to get on the boat.  I need to go across the river."
"..."
"Please?"
"..."
"I have the undead after me!  I need Samhain to bring them back to the underworld!"
"..."
"You have to take me!  I am a man, and I've totally crossed the portal!"
"..."
"I...I crossed the portal.  You know, to, like, seek my master death and stuff."
"..."
"I keep thinking that stupid poem is actually going to mean something down here.  You don't care, do you?"
"..."
"Ok, I know Alexander got through.  What do I need?"
"..."
"You know, if you just relax, you could find the ability to talk."
"..."
"It's a response to stress and anxiety.  You mostly get the mutism in children, but that's ok.  You can still do something about it.  It's not too late."
"..."
"I...I could help."
"..."
"What if I got you some Xanax?  Would you let me across the river then?"
"..."
"Yeah, you're right, I don't have Xanax on me.  You totally called my bluff."
"..."
"And, yes, it is pretty addictive.  Very well, no Xanax for you.  Well played sir."
"..."
"You don't want help, do you?"
"..."
"Ok, fine.  No help for Charon.  You can stay quiet.  What do you want then?  Money?"
"..."
"You want to get paid, don't you?"
"..."
"Well, I'm still alive.  I didn't get any coins put on my eyes."
"..."
"Ok, let me see what I have.  Looks like I have a little money.  I've got a dollar or two."
"..."
"Not enough.  Ok, I...look all I have is three fifty."
(Charon extends his hand.)
"Oh come on!  It's my last three fifty!  You're really going to take my last three fifty?"
"..."
"Fine!  Whatever, I don't even care.  Stupid paranormal entities always asking for three fifty!  Just take me across the river.  I want to get this over with."
"..."
"Just take the money and shut up."

Charon
Diagnosis: Selective Mutism

It kind of annoys me how he interacts with EVERYTHING via diagnosis... ::) If he doesn't get diagnosed for that by the end of this, it will feel incomplete.

Mythological characters JUST DON'T bare psychological scrutiny: of course, they're one dimensional entities who unless they are a major figure in their native mythology fulfill a singular purpose and are likewise single-minded... diagnosing them with a psychological disorder that basically says "single-minded in X way" is counter-productive to actual psychology. ::)

(Posted on: September 13, 2011, 09:47:11 AM)

---

err... that came off overly judgmental maybe... I enjoyed the earlier installments! :) ... I just feel like diagnosing supporting figures in a self-contained mythos such as KQ6 Charon and the Gatekeeper is akin to diagnosing furniture.

Well, under normal circumstances Charon wouldn't have been included.  But I decided to pay homage to the Realm of the Dead as a means of continuing with the Caliphim and Allaria subplot (which greatly entertains me for some reason.  I like writing about blood orgies, I guess, and it cracks me up to write "Hail Samhain."  I don't know why.)  And since I'm doing the Realm of the Dead, I've got to include everyone along the way.  It's what I signed on to do, and for better or worse, I'm seeing it through to the end.  You could argue that I'm running out of ideas and...well...yeah, I probably am.  And as for finding a diagnosis for everyone, well, that's kind of the joke for all of these.  So a diagnosis is just to be expected.

Anyway, we're almost to the Lord of the Dead!  Be careful not to get your hand bitten off!

"Alright, I have got to be almost there now.  I am really getting tired of this place and all its nonverbal inhabitants.  I'm just going to go through here and..."
"What touch has awaited my sleep?"
"Oh come on!  The actual staff of the Realm of the Dead won't talk to me, but the freaking gate!  Yeah, the freaking gate won't shut up!"
"I smell the blood of a mortal!"
"Of course you do!  Because that makes plenty of sense.  Will Charon talk to me?  The guy who actually has to interact with spirits on a regular basis?  No, of course not.  But the gate.  The gate that would be meaningless for noncorporeal entities, this anachronism of a structure, yeah, the gate is going to chat me up!  Why not?  WHY THE FREAK NOT?"
"Reach out thine hand again, fleshy human, that I might...devour it."
"Ok, this has taken a darker turn."
"It has been centuries since I last...ate..."
"It's been centuries since you had a meal and all you want to eat is my hand?  I'd think you'd want to eat all of me."
"Far too fattening!"
"HEY!  I mean...ok...even if I maybe have a few extra pounds, just a few mind you, I don't see how that makes any difference.  You haven't eaten in centuries.  You...you're downright skeletal."
"Bah.  You can still see fat around my cheekbones, fleshy human!"
"I see stretched skin over a skull."
"Fatty skin."
"You're a gate.  Seriously.  Weight wouldn't seem to be an issue here.  You're a structure."
"Just looking at thine lumpy, fleshy form, I can feel myself gaining weight.  Now give me thine hand!"
"No!  I'm not going to let you use parts of my body as a means to restrict your diet!"
"Your hand, fleshy human!"
"No, thank you.  I would meet the Lord of the Dead with my flesh still intact.  It's kind of a life goal I have."
"I would be doing thee a favor, fleshy human, by removing some of your excess weight."
"I would pass, Gate!  I have business with your master!"
"My master and thine, human.  I wouldst be pleased to introduce thee."
"Well that sounds much more helpful.  Yes, if you could introduce me to the..."
"Only step forward and thou shalt meet him shortly."
"Right.  Minus a hand.  I really am not in the mood to have a skull gate eat my hand.  Or any other part of me."
"Bah!  I would only eat thine hand.  The rest of thee is far too fatty."
"I am really getting tired of you commenting on my weight.  I'm not that fat.  Your perceptions are off."
"Thou must move from here eventually human.  Ye shall meet the Lord of the Dead whether it be through me or starvation."
"I think there are other options here."
"There are not.  To meet the Lord of the Dead, thou must go through me.  And it will cost thee thine hand!"
"No, I really don't think I do have to go through you.  There are holes in the wall above you leading to the next chamber."
"You could never reach them, fleshy human!"
"Are you kidding?  This whole place is nothing but weird tendony things stretching from the walls to the path to the ceiling.  Look, there's one to the left right here!  It connects to a hole going through to the other side!  Seriously, the hole is, like, six feet above the ground.  I'm just going to climb up the tendon and jump through the holes in the wall.  Why would I want to even try messing with you?"
"Ah, but there is a way for mortal man to pass through me!  Should a human try to pass...a riddle is Gate's wont to ask!"
"Yeah...I'm not doing that.  I'm just going to climb in through the window there."
"You cannot do that, fleshy human!"
"Stop calling me that!  You see fat everywhere!  Knock it off!"
"Thou must answer my riddle!"
"No.  No, I really don't.  You're just overly driven about everything.  It has to be your way, doesn't it?  Well, not this time."  (Therapist climbs up the tendon and to the hole in the wall above Gate.)
"But the riddle!"
"Not doing it.  Check it out!  I can see the Lord of the Dead through here.  And there are his personal guards who...ok...is it just me or does it look like they're wearing black Klan robes?  Seriously, am I the only one seeing that?  It's making me uncomfortable."
"Get back down here, fleshy human!  You must answer my riddle!"
"The answer is...YOUR MOM!"
"AAARRRGH!"
"Oh, that's right!  I went there!  Your mom cannot be banished, even from this place!  There are still spirits pining for her on the surface above!"
"I will kill you, traitor of the mortal plane!"
"You got nothing, Gate!  Have a nice eternity!"  (Therapist jumps through the hole.)

Gate
Diagnosis: Anorexia

My point remains that the mere fact that he diagnoses everyone is in fact diagnosable. :P

...which is kind of where I see this ending up. Not that I don't enjoy it; I really do.

I'm enjoying it  lot too. XD

We've reached the Lord of the Dead.  The time has come to challenge!

"Look, all I'm saying is that you guys might want to change your guard uniforms.  First off, the robe thing is going to restrict your mobility.  Secondly, you look like you belong to a white supremacist group with a faulty color scheme.  No comment?  You're really going to make people uncomfortable with that.  Well, except for the racists.  Which reminds me, what exactly is the pecking order down here?  Does everyone get here?  When I die, am I going to be hanging out alongside a potential murderer for all eternity?  Is there actually a punishment if you do bad things in life?  Because if there's not, I'm totally going to stop paying my taxes.  I just don't see any reason why...Ok, and you're walking away now.  Yeah, I was done talking to you guys.  I'll just hang out here and talk to...HOLY GIANT GUY GROWING OUT OF A CHAIR!  How did I not see you until now?"
"Why have you entered my domain still wearing your flesh?"
"Um...because I like my skin?  I'm going to go with that answer.  By the way, your guards uniforms are..."
"If you are so anxious for death, you might have found it easily enough in the land of the living."
"Yeah, that's a faulty premise there.  I'm not particularly anxious for death.  Well, unless it's right after a session with those ghoul kids.  Conduct disorder is a tough thing to treat.  And I hate child psychology."
"But since you are here, you are most welcome to stay.  Kiss my hand and you will be one with the spirits.  There will be no pain."
"Oh, well, no pain?  Since you put it that way, ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I'm really not looking to die here!  I've come to make a request."
"Why should Death offer you anything?"
"Because I asked nicely?"
"And your courtesy has been taken into account.  You will die without pain."
"I did not come here to die but to demand my rite of challenge.  I respectfully challenge thee, Death."
"You cannot challenge me!"
"I just did.  I challenge thee."
"You must have the gauntlet."
"What?  I actually need a gauntlet to throw down?  I went through all this trouble to get here!  Isn't that challenge enough?  I need a glove too?"
"Not just any glove.  You need the special gauntlet.  Forged by the gods that cursed me and engraved with the magical words that all mortal men may read, its power is great and affords mortals the rite of challenge.  It is an ancient artifact that..."
"Oh, here it is.  Right here on the ground in front of you."
"What?  It's..."
"Yep.  Right where Alexander must have thrown it down when he was here."
"Guards!  I told you to clean up down here!  What am I paying you for?"
"They were probably too busy burning a..."
"Enough about our dress code, mortal."
"Alright, let's take it from the top.  I did not come here to die, but to demand my rite of challenge.  I respectfully challenge thee, Death, by throwing down this gauntlet!  Man may cross the portal, and seek his master death.  Man my pass where death has trod and challenge."
"Challenge?  Like Scheherazade?"
"I think so.  Did she really challenge death though, outside of metaphorically?"
"Not really, but it works with the rhyme scheme."
"Yeah, but why force the rhyme?  Why not..."
"It was written by gods, not poets.  So, you would challenge me, who reigns beneath the sod, to spare a mortal's breath?"
"Actually no.  Kind of the opposite."
"You wish me to take a mortal's breath?  Interesting.  You are aware that there are mortals in the land of the living who will kill for a price?  You journeyed here to..."
"I do not want the living killed.  I would have you take back the ones you restored.  King Caliphim and Queen Allaria of the Land of the Green Isles."
"You would have me take back the life I gave to them?"
"You created undead monsters!  They have killed already and will continue to do so.  Man is meant to die once.  We were not meant to return to the land of the living."
"That is a lesson that all men must learn.  Alexander has learned it.  The knight who bargained for the soul of his dead lover learned it as well.  He was returning here to beg me to take her back when she finally feasted on his flesh."
"So that's how the knight died!  But...if his undead girlfriend was so dangerous, why did he bring her with him back here?"
"I suppose he thought he needed to.  He was a brave man.  But not overly smart.  Quite stupid in fact.  That's why he had so much trouble meeting women after his lover died."
"Well that's one mystery solved.  But why do you mess with the living like that?  Why cause those who are returned to become undead and crave human flesh?"
"Street cred."
"Really?"
"Do you know how horrific my life is?  I insulted the gods one time and they did this to me.  And now they force me to run their afterlife.  They already hate me, so any time they feel I'm not being evil or dark enough, they demote me."
"Really?"
"The knight wasn't the first one to challenge me.  The first time I was forced to return a soul to the land of the living, the gods decided that I wasn't up to the task of being the lord of the underworld."
"Really?  But they're the ones who created the means to challenge in the first place."
"And then they punished me for it.  Yes."
"What did they do?"
"They suggested that the job of Lord of the Dead was too hard for me, then outsourced by job."
"Wait, what?"
"Haven't you ever wondered why the Dimension of Death exists when my realm serves the same purpose?"
"Well, I guess I always assumed it was because the people of Daventry believed in..."
"That's stupid.  Do you really think that every belief magically creates a specific afterlife?  If someone believed in a flying spaghetti monster, would you expect to see it suddenly exist?"
"Well, no, but..."
"People know my Realm of the Dead exists, so what purpose does a Dimension of Death serve?  The gods outsourced a bulk of my job to a reanimated, hammer wielding, cow head."
"I had no idea that the pantheon of gods was so bureaucratic."
"Why wouldn't they be?  They have a universe to run."
"I guess.  Still, it's disappointing.  And the fact that they'd be so passive aggressive."
"Bureaucrats usually are."
"True.  So you try to flood the universe with the undead whenever someone successfully challenges you?"
"To impress the gods, yes."
"It seems like passive aggression on your part, though."
"Really?"
"Yes.  You are bested by a mortal challenger, so you get your revenge on him.  And it seems like some of that desire for revenge might also be based on the fact that you were mortal at one time as well."
"You make it sound like I'm a bully."
"I think it's more complicated than that.  You've been through a major life change and every waking moment is just another reminder of what happened to you.  Some people have trouble adjusting to sudden change, but you are hit with that change every single day.  And you're acting out because of it."
"Is that what you believe?  Maybe I just want to impress the gods with my evil."
"The gods cursed you with immortality and made you grow into your chair.  The very truth of your existence is enough to reduce you to tears.  And you really want to impress them?  That doesn't make sense.  No, you're acting out to give yourself some power, to oppress someone the way you've been oppressed."
"Enough!"
"I understand that every day is a reminder of what you've become and that you can't escape it, but sending legions of undead to the land of the living won't change anything."
"And your psychobabble and diagnoses will change things?"
"Well, it's what I do.  And by understanding why you act the way you do, you can change.  You can remove the undead from the land of the living."
"What I would choose to do no longer matters.  You have challenged me.  You must now meet my terms."
"Oh.  Well, what is your challenge, then?"
"You like to analyze others.  How would you take to being the one under scrutiny?"
"What?  Me get analyzed?  Been there, done that.  You can't really become a therapist without becoming acutely aware of your own issues.  Well, not a good therapist, anyway."
"No, nothing as simple as analysis.  I am speaking of someone looking into your very soul.  Understanding you the way you claim to understand others.  Someone who is more than capable of tearing you apart from the inside out."
"Wait.  Are you going to try to psychoanalyze me?"
"No.  I tire of talking with people.  I have to do it all the time when the spirits arrive before me.  But I will choose a champion among my fallen souls.  One who is your match.  One whose evil goes beyond simple diagnoses.  One who can destroy you with a word.  Your challenge is to best my champion in a battle of wills and wit.  You will peer deep into each others' beings, and the one who comes out intact, shall win the challenge!"
"Couldn't I just make you cry or something?"
"Nay, mortal.  You must meet my champion.  My champion..."
"Oh, you have adjustment disorder, by the way."
"What?"
Samhain, Lord of the Dead
Diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder With Disturbance of Conduct
"Did you interrupt just to officially diagnose me?"
"Well, it's kind of what I do.  And you were building to something, so I thought I'd just get it out of the way now."
"And you had to complete your diagnosis?"
"I just kind of wanted to."
"My champion will destroy you."
"Please.  How evil can your champion possibly be?  I can't imagine a person I'd be so afraid of that..."
"For my champion I choose LOLOTTE!"
"Crap."