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Writing Quality in TSL Feedback

Started by Rick_Florez, September 26, 2010, 11:52:34 AM

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Rick_Florez

As you've probably seen in a few other of my recent posts  we welcome player feedback because it allows us to improve future episode of The Silver Lining.

Some people have complained that certain parts of the dialogs made them cringe or simply wrote it off as bad writing.  Unfortunately that type of feedback is very vague so I'd like to ask for specific examples of things that you had an issue with.  Though sometimes its more a matter of personal taste we may actually agree with some of your comments and if so can maybe improve upon it in the future.
Truth, Justice and the King's Questian Way

Rosella

Well, not to be smart alec-y, but the thread title should probably spell "Writing" correctly. :P
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KatieHal

LOL, there's irony for you :) But looks like that's fixed now!

Katie Hallahan
~Designer, PR Director~

"Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." Christina Baldwin

I have a blog!

kindofdoon

"Guards! Guards! Someone's trying t-...Well fine, I'll stop if you do."

I'm probably missing the humor here, but nonetheless, this line feels out of place every time I hear it.

Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

Fierce Deity

Quote from: kindofdoon on September 26, 2010, 12:33:50 PM
"Guards! Guards! Someone's trying t-...Well fine, I'll stop if you do."

I'm probably missing the humor here, but nonetheless, this line feels out of place every time I hear it.

Yeah, I heard it every time I accidentally clicked the 'hand' icon on a guard, and I fear my imagination has run wild. Any explanations for what that phrase means?
Freudian Slip - "When you say one thing, but mean your mother."

kindofdoon

I have a feeling it's something sexual, but I have no idea what it could be... :-\

Or that could be completely wrong.

Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

crayauchtin

She says it when you click the hand on people.... I assumed it meant I shouldn't be trying to manhandle or feel up on everybody. Even though I get it, it's still not my favorite line of narration.

Then again, I'm partial to the Warcraft/Starcraft thing where the thing you're clicking on responds and eventually gets irritated if you click on it too much. :P
"If your translation is correct, that was 'May a sleepy hippopotamus lie down on your house keys,' but you're not sure. Unfortunately, your fluency in griffin-speak is too low."

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Fierce Deity

Quote from: kindofdoon on September 26, 2010, 12:44:15 PM
I have a feeling it's something sexual, but I have no idea what it could be... :-\

Or that could be completely wrong.

That's what I was thinking, but I'm not sure if it is. This is supposed to be a "family-friendly" game. So I think there is an actual meaning behind it, but if no one understands it, then people will assume it's a sexual innuendo (at least the adults will).  
Freudian Slip - "When you say one thing, but mean your mother."

KatieHal

LOL, it wasn't meant to have a sexual connotation! It's more the idea that someone's trying to take something from the person you're clicking on (that being what the hand icon is mostly there for, picking things up). Having gotten it a few times myself, it doesn't quite translate as well as we'd thought it would, I agree.

Katie Hallahan
~Designer, PR Director~

"Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." Christina Baldwin

I have a blog!

crayauchtin

So I was write with the manhandling but not with the feeling up? So how do I do that?? :P
"If your translation is correct, that was 'May a sleepy hippopotamus lie down on your house keys,' but you're not sure. Unfortunately, your fluency in griffin-speak is too low."

We're roleplaying in the King's Quest world: come join in the fun!

KatieHal

Haha, play Leisure Suit Larry, from what I hear. ;)

Katie Hallahan
~Designer, PR Director~

"Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." Christina Baldwin

I have a blog!

kindofdoon

So then what is the complete line? What does she say after "Someone's trying t-"?

Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

KatieHal

There wasn't a fuller line written, but I would figure it to be something like "someone's trying to [mug/steal/hit] [the person being clikced on]"

Katie Hallahan
~Designer, PR Director~

"Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." Christina Baldwin

I have a blog!

Cat1

Quote from: Rick_Florez on September 26, 2010, 11:52:34 AM
As you've probably seen in a few other of my recent posts  we welcome player feedback because it allows us to improve future episode of The Silver Lining.

Some people have complained that certain parts of the dialogs made them cringe or simply wrote it off as bad writing.  Unfortunately that type of feedback is very vague so I'd like to ask for specific examples of things that you had an issue with.  Though sometimes its more a matter of personal taste we may actually agree with some of your comments and if so can maybe improve upon it in the future.

Hi Rick, I tried to be specific in another thread:

Quote from: Cat1 on August 23, 2010, 04:09:26 PM

For instance in the description of the vases, a whole sentence is taken to say, "These vases are fine antiquities indeed."  Maybe it's because I've spent practically the whole year trying to cut words out of a research report, but to me that sentence is crying out to be edited to: "These fine antique vases... (and then carry on with the description)".  In that way you get rid of the useless words "are" and "indeed".


The suggestion I made would have cut out 1/3 of the words in that sentence, making it less wordy :)

Lambonius

Since I've made mention of this several times before, I will take some time and try to put together a very thorough and thoughtful explanation of exactly what my issues are with the writing.  Glad the topic is open to discussion, even if changes to TSL aren't possible at this stage.  Cheers.  :)

Haids1987

Quote from: crayauchtin on September 26, 2010, 12:49:47 PM
She says it when you click the hand on people.... I assumed it meant I shouldn't be trying to manhandle or feel up on everybody. Even though I get it, it's still not my favorite line of narration.
LOL, I am soooooooooo glad I'm not the only one who thought that!  That line bothers me, too.  That's the only one I can think of right of the bat, let me just replay Episde 1 and get to Episode 2 and we'll see what other opinions I have.
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snabbott

Quote from: Haids1987 on September 26, 2010, 11:42:26 PM
Quote from: crayauchtin on September 26, 2010, 12:49:47 PM
She says it when you click the hand on people.... I assumed it meant I shouldn't be trying to manhandle or feel up on everybody. Even though I get it, it's still not my favorite line of narration.
LOL, I am soooooooooo glad I'm not the only one who thought that!  That line bothers me, too.  That's the only one I can think of right of the bat, let me just replay Episde 1 and get to Episode 2 and we'll see what other opinions I have.
That really never occurred to me. :angel:

Steve Abbott | Beta Tester | The Silver Lining

Lambonius

I'm waiting til I get a chance to replay both episodes later this week before I say anything in depth about the writing--but I think it's worth pointing out that part of what makes certain lines cringeworthy is the uneven voice acting.  Better actors might have been able to make some of the cheesier lines of dialogue more palatable.

KatieHal

We know the voice acting is a wide spread in terms of talent (and recording quality). I'd say to leave that out in any feedback, as we won't be recasting any voice actors at this point, and will only be recording new lines in a limited number of cases (i.e., some narrator lines, possibly some Graham ones, etc).

Katie Hallahan
~Designer, PR Director~

"Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." Christina Baldwin

I have a blog!

spinz

I'd have to play again to cite anything directly, but what drove me crazy about the dialogue was the pacing, and using 8-10 lines to say things that couldv been said in 2. One example i remember is when people were talking about the "unnatural storm". Dialogue would go something like "That storm sure wasnt natural." "It was an unnatural storm? What couldv caused it?" "I dont know, something not natural".  In fact, a bunch emphasis was placed on the storm in both episodes...yet the storm passed uneventfully and people continued to talk about it, slowly.