To all the ladies Of Tsl forums need advice

[snabbott]

I have to agree with the others. Relationships are hard - it takes a lot of work from both people to make a relationship successful. It's your life and your choices to make, but make sure she's really the right one for you. We don't want to see you get hurt. If you're with her just because you don't want to be alone, that isn't a healthy situation. (I can sympathize - I found my first girlfriend at age 34. She's my wife now. I was pretty depressed about being alone before that, though.)

[The Hero]

i dont know how to discribe how i feel when shes not here my heart hurts i want to do nothing but hold her in my arms most times i cant wait for the day i can see her lay beside ne every morning and know that she is my love i cant imagine anyone else

[Deloria]

As someone who has had exclusively long-distance relationships, I know the way she's acting. It's the distance getting to her. She feels lonely and abandoned and wants out because she wants to be with someone who is physically near her, so she can have (what she perceives to be) a *real* relationship. Long-distance is tough, I think, moreso for women. She misses you a lot. She's threatening to break up with you because she is lonely and wants someone who is physically there. Can you arrange another visit soon? That would solve a lot of these issues.

[koko_99_2001]

Deloria, it really depends on the level of commitment on both people in the relationship. Remember, I was in two long distance relationships...one was in Europe. With that one, there were times, as the woman, I wanted to throw my computer out the window. I wanted to break up. I wanted out. I was done multiple times. Why? Because promises were made time and again that were broken. Clingyness was a problem. Emotional abuse was an issue. Yes, I wanted him nearby...I wanted to see him. But after two years, and with God's intervention, I was completely done.

The other was Erik. He was closer, but we were also long distance...a 10 hour drive if we wanted to see each other. He was still in school and I was working full time.  We knew that this was it...we knew God had put us together. And we knew how to respect each other because we both had been in rough relationships previously. There were times we would get testy...usually when we hadn't seen each other in 6-8 weeks. But there was respect, there was commitment, and there was no clingyness because we weren't afraid of losing the other person.

If you're afraid of losing the person...then that's the key. Fear does not belong in a relationship. When you fear that the person will leave, you lose trust. And with trust lost, there is no relationship.

[Deloria]

I don't think I've ever given you enough credit for being with Bjorn for that long. Until I was with him, I had no idea how difficult it was sometimes. I'm sorry.

As for clinginess, I think it's all right as long as both parties are equally invested. Since I've actually been there, I think I know what's going on. In this case, it sounds like Hero's girlfriend just really wants to be with someone in RL, possibly because she feels lonely and just wants to be held/wake up next to Hero every day/spend more time with him. That's why I think arranging a visit soon might do a lot to stop the drama. She won't want to break up if she gets to do that again soon. Hero is doing all he can from a distance to continue to make her feel loved, but he's not addressing the problem; sending her flowers won't help if all she wants to do is be with him in person. She's desperate enough that she's talking about breaking up just so she can be with anyone in person and stop being so lonely. 

[Damar]

As a general rule, long distance isn't going to work.  Yes, there are exceptions, but they're called exceptions for a reason.  It's the same thing with large age differences in relationships or high school sweethearts.  Yes, some people beat the odds, but for every one that does there's countless others in a miserable relationship that eventually destructs.

So yeah, that could explain some of the behaviors.  You both just want to be together in person.  On the other hand, there are still other issues here.  The abuse from her is one.  The clinginess from you is another.  You say that you're loving, sensitive, and clingy.  Those three don't have to go together.  Loving someone doesn't justify dependence or being clingy.  Being sensitive doesn't justify being oversensitive.  I'd disagree that being clingy is ok because there have to be boundaries.  Yes, there's a certain amount of attachment that is natural in a relationship, but you also have to be your own person apart from getting enmeshed.  Even in close relationships, its healthy to have some time apart, to have your own time (a girls or guys night with friends and so on.)  If you're clingy, the implication is that you need the other person.  As in, you're not functioning without them being there.  That's where it gets unhealthy.  And it's what you're describing, saying that you have this empty feeling whenever she's not there, which in a long distance relationship is all the time!  You're a full, complete person whether you're in a relationship or not.  You may want to be in a relationship, you may love the other person and want to spend your life with them, but if God forbid something happens, you also need to not just curl up and die because now you can't function.  I've seen relationships where the person acts like love equals not being alone, that enmeshment and dependence mean caring for someone.  Pop culture and it's overblown cliches about love certainly don't help matters (how can I breathe without you?  You're the meaning of my life, you're the inspiration.)  But dependence doesn't equal love and caring.  Dependence means that you need the other person to love and care for you, to feel complete.  It is very much a relationship built on fear.  Fear that you'll be alone, fear that it won't work out, fear that one day, all things end.  Relationships are a partnership between independent individuals.  You've both got to take some time, without pressure, to figure out what you want out of the relationship, or if you're just in the relationship for the sake of not being alone, and seeing the other party as your savior and thereby apologizing for and forgiving every little thing they do (whether its being overly clingy or verbally abusive.)

[koko_99_2001]

Amen Damar! Well put!

I had a friend who said to me "God doesn't make two halves whole, He makes two whole people into one." Whether or not you believe in God, that's how a relationship works. You can not be half a person and join with another half and expect your relationship to work. You have to be a whole person who can function on your own, know who you are, and be fine being alone...and then that other person needs to be whole as well. Only then can you have a successful relationship.

[The Hero]

Basrd on all your feed back
1. I need to loosen up and not be as attached because it is unhealthy
2she needs to express her feelings more
3 we need ro meet more frequently

she needs to respect my sensitivity
i taled to her about some things
including why she loves me if shes ready for marriage she said yes
she said she loves me because my heart and that i, better then  avarge people even though i have a disability my hears better then those who can stand up her words

[DawsonJ]

...and be realistic about cutting your losses, if the relationship isn't realistic.

[ladidada]

I tell people the hardest thing about a relationship is learning when to listen to your head over your heart.

The hardest thing to do is to realize when you should stop fighting for the love you share and figuring out when you should flee........to over simplify love and life