Four Winds: Globe Trekking in the Land of the Dead

[GavinGreene]

Four Winds contributor (and Legal Investigator) Gigi Strongmen continues our Globe Trekker series with a look into the mysterious and foreboding Land of the Dead!

http://www.postudios.com/fourwinds/?p=780

[Rick_Florez]

I don't post here as often as I should but that was a really fun read.  I'm curious to see where you guys are going with this.  Keep up the great work four winds team   

Richard Flores
Animation Director
Phoenix Online Game Development

[snabbott]

Intriguing!

[Delling]

It's an interesting article. The description of the planes of the dead as multi-layered makes me curious and want to explore them.

I'm now going to grammar wall-of-text you. Sorry. It's just how I am.

Now then:

It's Azriel not Azure (Azure is Lord of the Winged Ones... unless he's stepping out on the land of the living, I think this should be corrected).

My escort is a tall man who was armed quite well so no harm would befall us on our journey, Still, the peering eyes haunted me and I found myself not straying far from his side.

should be

My escort is a tall man who was armed quite well, so no harm would befall us on our journey. Still, the peering eyes haunted me and I found myself not straying far from his side.

This was the first and most jarring bit of writing (see, these things rouse a person's inner-grammarian so that they have to read and critique and correct, etc.):

Any living material that touches it, no matter how small, will instantly find permanent residence and under the leadership of Lord Death.

I'm not sure what the original intention of the boldface phrase is but I would suggest (only because I feel it's required of people offering criticism to offer suggestions/corrections) that the whole verb phrase be rewritten as

"...will find permanent residence there and come instantly under the leadership of Lord Death."

The passage on to the eternal life, no longer appeals to those who have obtained peace.

ahem... please remove that comma from between that subject and its verb!! It has no purpose there and subjects and verbs like to be together.

Connor previous said Lord Azure is the ruler of the Realm,...

previous -> previously

his power was weaning

malaprop (or just a typo):
weaning-
Verb:   
Accustom (an infant or other young mammal) to food other than its mother's milk.
Accustom (someone) to managing without something on which they have become dependent or of which they have become excessively fond.

waning-
Verb:   
(of the moon) Have a progressively smaller part of its visible surface illuminated, so that it appears to decrease in size.
(esp. of a condition or feeling) Decrease in vigor, power, or extent; become weaker: "confidence waned".

to contain this massing evil and prevent its escaping.

Add an "its" with that gerund just for the sake of clarity.

One thing continues to puzzle me as I leave and return once again to the realm of the living; living: who or what was that creature craving freedom?

LEAP at the opportunity to use colons to join compound sentences. It's a good thing.

The colon joins sentences when the second sentence explains or defines something in the first sentence.

Once Spirits descended to the underworld there is no coming back, only moving on.

either ...have descended... or ...descends... to be consistent with the other tenses.

It would be unstoppable. .

A proper ellipse has three periods (...).

While I am obligated to investing all legal matters for The Four Winds,...

What are you obligated to do? It's unclear. Really, the verb "obligate" really should take a complementary infinitive most of the time.

Apart from that, some of your fused sentences (compound sentences joined by a conjunction alone) are okay and some of them are not. Fused sentences are really only acceptable when the sentences to either side are short, simple, and closely related. (It's a stylistic thing. To be safe, always use the standard comma + conjunction.)

[writerlove]

Holy Hera you are more of an editor than I am You can blame me for a little bit of this. I was the editor on the article. Some of it was just pure inattention; I was also interview a new FW recruit while the process of editing this.  I asked the same thing and the author of the article said it was the same thing. Having never played MoE I didn't question it. Regardless, I will change it.

Within the Four Winds, we have designated this character to do legal articles, like the one with Al-hazred's lawyer. But she decided to cover this story because it excited her and she wanted to see what it was about.

And what do you mean by jarring? Are you trying to suggest the writing is bad? I think it's pretty good myself and we have some plans in the works to go with this story. Thank you for your input.

[Rosella]

It would be unstoppable. .

A proper ellipse has three periods (...).

Oh goodness, I just woke up and this entire post was a fantastic way to start the morning. I love grammar.

That said, a proper ellipse is an intersection of a plane with a cone. An ellipsis is three periods.

And I'm pretty sure that Delling wasn't saying the writing was bad at all. Grammar is like a train, smoothly carrying ideas from writer to reader and making sure none of the intent gets lost along the way. What I think he was saying was that he was really enjoying the ride, but there were just a couple bumps along the way that he found disconcerting, sort of like seeing a straight course ahead but feeling a turn. He's just trying to help fix the train tracks a bit.

(Forgive my extended metaphor; like I said, I just woke up.)

[Delling]

And what do you mean by jarring? Are you trying to suggest the writing is bad? I think it's pretty good myself and we have some plans in the works to go with this story. Thank you for your input.

Sorry, please don't misunderstand me.

I enjoyed the story and the idea a lot actually. Please do go forward with it! I would like to know what's going on.

"Jarring" is just how I describe the feeling that grammar mistakes give to people like Deloria, myself, and (I assume) Rosella. It does send this disruptive impulse through the body... usually a mental unease, but sometimes one does feel it in one's gut (in my experience at least).

It would be unstoppable. .

A proper ellipse has three periods (...).

Oh goodness, I just woke up and this entire post was a fantastic way to start the morning. I love grammar.

That said, a proper ellipse is an intersection of a plane with a cone. An ellipsis is three periods.

woops! I had "ellipses have" and kind of failed at converting it to the singular. (these things happen to us all )

[[I should point out (so Deloria doesn't behead me): the failure was in finishing the job... not not knowing that the singular of ellipses is ellipsis... it's Latin... I know all 12 of its forms... ]]

And I'm pretty sure that Delling wasn't saying the writing was bad at all. Grammar is like a train, smoothly carrying ideas from writer to reader and making sure none of the intent gets lost along the way. What I think he was saying was that he was really enjoying the ride, but there were just a couple bumps along the way that he found disconcerting, sort of like seeing a straight course ahead but feeling a turn. He's just trying to help fix the train tracks a bit.

(Forgive my extended metaphor; like I said, I just woke up.)

That is it exactly though. Say you are riding along in a car, just looking out the window, and without warning, there is an awful bump or pothole!!--you cringe and your stomach tightens in response. That's what it feels like.

[snabbott]

I've been avoiding correcting the grammar in these articles for a while...

[Rosella]

It does send this disruptive impulse through the body... usually a mental unease, but sometimes one does feel it in one's gut (in my experience at least).

In my experience, it feels more like tripping or that feeling you get when you try to go up a stair step but there isn't one there. I definitely feel it in my feet more than in my gut.

That said, yes, it was a safe assumption on your part.

[KatieHal]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think we'll making certain to tighten up our editing process on the articles.

Also, I love the descriptions of feeling a slip-up in grammar/etc as a feeling in the gut vs. the feet. That's so cool.

[writerlove]

Okay! I just wanted to make sure I understood what you meant I actually like constructive criticism. It's just hard on the internet some times to figure out if the person means that in malice or kindness. And I agree. Sometimes when I'm editing my own fiction or someone's story on the job, some kind of feeling comes over me like "Oh gosh, MUST FIX THIS NOW" type deal.

Anyway, thank you truly for the input. It's nice to know y'all are reading these articles because we want feedback like this so we can take it back and produce even better content for you. And we've got something in the works with this, oh yes we do  (Ha, I love being able to wield the suffer)

[DawsonJ]

Good work on the explanations, Delling.  Don't worry about the "ellipse" subject.
Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.


Now for the fun part.

I'll preface this by saying I'm actually enjoying the story.  However, I'm one of those people who can't stand those tests which show words intentionally misspelled to "prove" that your mind can read past typing errors. I hang up like WinZip does when it's compressing a folder of icons, cursors, or small text files.
Here are some things I noticed, which you may want to review:

Creatures of this realm move through the levels easily but for mortals, the River Styx is viewed as perilous.

Maybe two sentences, or a semicolon, would be more appropriate:
"Creatures of this realm move through the levels easily. However, for mortals, the River Styx is viewed as perilous."

Only communication he could utter was grunting and wheezing.

This should be rewritten, since you don't utter communication.
"The only sounds... were..." would help this sentence.

He did not reveal the culprit but the trembling tone was indicative of fear toward this new power within his realm.

Maybe you can cut the extra comma Delling noticed, and paste it into this sentence.

The spirits, banshees, skeletons, zombies all follow the rule of Death.

The word and wouldn't hurt in this list. Possibly, "...submit to the rulership of Death."

The passage on to the eternal life, no longer appeals to those who have obtained peace.

SET COMMA=0
Please and thank you.

Instead they crave vengeance and the new power is tempting them.

Consider something more like:
"Instead, they crave vengeance; the new power is tempting them."


(By the way, I'm liking the potential revenant aspects.)

As I travel back up through the winding passageways, the air seems to lighten and is fresher to the scent.

"...fresher to the scent"? Maybe "...refreshing," or "...fresher to the senses."

Here the passage to the other world and the king's  throne room can be found.

Possibly, "Here, the passage to the other world and the king's throne room can be found." (Notice the single space between "king's" and "throne"?)

The spirits are calmer as the evil has not yet reached them and skeleton guards stand erect, waiting for passing souls.

Separate sentences for separate subjects would improve this.

Once Spirits have descended to the underworld there is no coming back, only moving on.

"Once spirits have descended to the underworld, there is no coming back, only moving on."
(This is the first case of Spirits in the capitalized form. Is it intentional?)

I also wonder if this has anything to do with Alhazred being released?

Indirect questions end with a period.


Here are some links that you may want to review:
Amassing vs Massing


I'm half asleep now, so I hope these make sense.
The story is enjoyable; it's just in need of extra review and editing.  
Good job, team!

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