Here's my breakdown on why I hated the trailer:
00:00-00:20
Extremely cheesy dialogue delivered by the stupidest-sounding villain voice I've ever heard. The Clone Wars TV series had some cheesy-sounding villain voices, but there was nothing this bad in it. Also, a really long boring shot of ugly desert...
00:23
...and then a stormtrooper played a black actor pops into frame as if to say "boo!" What am I watching, some YouTube prank video? Also, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, Disney, but uh...there were no black Imperials in the original trilogy. The Imperials were modeled after Nazi soldiers, which obviously means no people of color. This just goes to show how desperate they are to avoid offending minorities in this politically-correct world of bile we live in.
00:29-00:31
Okay, what the hell is that stupid-looking thing? It looks like a soccer ball with an R2 head magically balanced on top. They weren't even trying with that droid design. They're being lazy, and that's the predominant feeling I get from this trailer: laziness, not helped by frequent cuts to black because they have nothing important to show.
00:33-00:35
New Stormtrooper design, which is okay-looking, but it shows them between seizure-inducing black flashes, which I've already mentioned above, and the shot of the new rifle we get is way too blurry to see if it's any good or not.
00:38
Looks exactly like every other shot we've seen of people exiting ships. Originality fail.
00:39-00:41
Presumably Han and Leia's daughter, since she looks both like Natalie Portman and young Carrie Fisher before her. She's driving a butt-ugly speeder of some kind on the exciting sand planet that we've definitely never seen before that is totally unique to this movie. Oh wait, they're just reusing old planets because they're out of ideas? You don't say.
00:44-00:48
A rebel pilot who looks exactly like Wedge. Apparently the actor for Wedge declined the opportunity to return for this movie. That's okay, kids! They'll just get another one. Then there's a formation of X-Wings flying way too close to the water, because that's obviously the smart thing to do when you're flying a tiny military jet of any kind.
00:49-00:55
Our new bad guy, still spouting stupid-sounding lines and, from the back, looking like every other Sith Lord from the Expanded Universe, while wielding the dumbest-looking lightsaber I've ever seen. It's getting to the point where they think every evil saber-wielder needs to have a unique lightsaber to set them apart from Darth Vader and the Emperor. It started with Darth Maul getting a saber staff, continued in the Clone Wars with General Krell who has TWO saber staffs, Pre Vizsla with a black-bladed "darksaber" and Mother Talzin with a green physical sword, then continued on once again in Star Wars Rebels, with the Inquisitor getting a saber staff with a circular hilt that rotates the blades like a buzz-saw. The thing is, those new sabers are so completely insane that they actually work. Our new villain's saber? No. Absolutely not. It looks ridiculous. What's the point of the mini-sabers sticking out the sides of the handle? Is he vain, and consumed by the need to stand apart from other, better characters? Does he need them to shave?
1:00-1:09
A long shot of the Millennium Falcon flying through the air and spinning around in a vomit-inducing pattern, looking just like it came out of a video game. Whee! Unfortunately, this sad excuse for a roller coaster ride is probably the best shot in the trailer. And of course, the Star Wars theme plays during this shot, as if to say, "Yep, that's what it's all about."
1:15
And then finally, the title. I like how they're afraid to put the Episode VII in the title, as if they're worried people haven't caught up to it yet. We've had all the time in the world to watch the other episodes, people, just give it the damn Episode VII already. Although if it's as bad as the teaser makes it look, the VII won't be necessary because people will just pretend that this movie doesn't exist.
Some final thoughts: I notice they didn't put any of the older cast members in the trailer. Well, that's all right, who needs the likable memorable characters of the original trilogy?
Only the first teaser and already this new movie has found many, many ways to fail. Abrams, you did the impossible with Star Trek by taking a godawful franchise and actually making it watchable, but you have a lot to answer for on the Star Wars front.
