I've had this one memorized since some friends and I put on a performance of 'ART' this summer.
So, a crisis, insoluble problem, major crisis, both step-mothers want their names on the wedding invitation. Catherine adores her step-mother who more or less brought her up, she wants her name on the invitation, she wants it and her step-mother is not anticipating, which is understandable since her mother is dead, not appearing next to Catherine's father, where as my step-mother, whom I detest, it's out of the question, her name should appear on the invitation, but my father won't have his name on it unless Catherine's step-mother's name is taken off of it, which is completely unacceptable, I suggested that none of the parents' names be on it, after all, we're not adolescents, we can announce our own wedding and invite people ourselves, so Catherine screams her head off, arguing that would be a slap in the face of her parents, who are paying through the nose for the reception, and particularly for her step-mother, who's gone to so much trouble when she isn't even her daughter, and so I finally let myself be persuaded, totally against my judgment because she wore me down, I finally agreed that my step-mother, whom I detest, who's a complete b*tch will have her name on the wedding invitation, so I telephone my mother to warn her, mother, i said, I've done absolutely everything I can to avoid this but I have no choice, Collette's name must appear on the wedding invitation, and she said, If Collette's name is on the invitation, take mine off it, mother, I said, please, don't make things even more difficult than they already are, and she said, how dare you suggest that my name be left off the card to float around on its own, as if I was some abandoned old women, below Collette, who'll have her name clamped onto your father's like a limpet, mother I said, please, I have friends waiting, I'm going to hang up the phone and we can discuss all this tomorrow after a good night's rest, why is it I'm always an afterthought?, mother you're not always an afterthought, of course I am and when you say don't make things even more difficult, what you really mean is everything's already been decided, everything's been organized without me, everything's been cooked up behind me back, good old Nadia, she'll agree to everything--and all this, she said, get this--in aid of an event, the importance of which I'm having some trouble grasping, mother I have friends waiting, that's right anything's more important than I am, goodbye, and she hung up. Catherine who was standing next to me but who hadn't heard her side of the conversation said, what'd she say?, I said, she doesn't want her name on the invitation with Collette which is understandable, I'm not talking about that, what did she say about the wedding, nothing, you're lying, no, I'm not Cathy, I promise you, she just doesn't want her name on the invitation with Collette, well you call your mother back and tell her that when your son is getting married, you rise above your vanity, you could say the same thing to your mother, it's not her, it's me, the poor dear, she's tact personified if she had any idea the trouble this was causing she'd be on her knees, begging to be taken off the invitation, now call your mother, so I call my mother, by now I'm in shreds, Catherine's listening from the extension, Yvan, my mother says, up until now you've conducted your affairs in the most chaotic way imaginable, and just because, out of the blue, you've decided to embark on matrimony, I find myself obliged to spend all afternoon and evening with your father, a man whom I haven't seen it thirteen years and to whom which I was not expecting to have to reveal my hip size or my puffy cheeks, not to mention Collette, who incidentally, according to Felix Perolari, has taken up bridge--my mother always played bridge--now, I can see all this can't be helped, but on the wedding invitation, the one item everyone will receive and examine, I insist on making a solo appearance, mother, why are you so selfish, I'm not selfish, I'm not selfish Yvan, you're not going to start, too, you're not going to be like Madame Romero this morning and say that I have a heart of stone, that everyone in our family has a heart of stone, that's what she said this morning--she's gone completely insane by the way--when I refused to raise her pay to sixty francs an hour cash, she had the gall to say that everyone in our family has a heart of stone, when she knows perfectly well about poor Andre's pacemaker, oh that's right Yvan, you haven't even bothered to call him, that's right, everything's a joke to you, I'm not the selfish one Yvan, you still have a lot to learn about life, but go on, go ahead, go ahead, go and see your precious friends...
