The GOOD & BAD THREAD (VI)

[writerlove]

THE AWESOME: I had a "WHOA my body is changing!!!" moment this morning, I am seeing progress even though my number is the same. Little bit at a time. I definitely understand that better than I used to.

[Haids1987]

THE IRRITATING: This has been THE longest week. I've been one day ahead all week; on Tuesday I was like, "Well, at least tomorrow's Thursday, yaaaaaaaaay!" only to be sadly rebuked.

THE YAY: It's finally Friday, though, so no real reason to b!tch.

THE GOOD: I get to hang out with three of my favorite kiddos tonight.

[writerlove]

The discouraging: Next month will mark being unemployed 6 months. I not happy about that. And no more prospects are showing up right now.
The good: at least I get to see my therapist tomorrow. I've gone two weeks without an appointment because I didn't schedule the month of may. Yay for a cancellation.

[crayauchtin]

THE BAD: Trying to last ten more minutes without painkillers because I need to have a reasonable schedule for when I'm taking them.
THE BAD: Awake before 6 am because painkillers ran out.
THE BAD: In pain.
THE GOOD: Uh, give me a minute.... I'll come up with something I'm sure.

[Deloria]

• 1. Get a cat
• 2. Put cat in "Good" category
• 3.
• 4. Profit

The BAD: Having very similar problems to Cray.
The GOOD: Cat
The BAD: Still being up at 5am
The BAD: Trying to find a way to move on with my life after all hope has been destroyed and I'm forced have things that I don't want done to my body and having nothing to look forward to and being depressed and having three failed if half-hearted suicide attempts in the past week (seriously body? Benzos, excessive amounts of oxy, sleeping pills and alcohol didn't kill you? Why not?!).

[darthkiwi]

THE BAD:

The BAD: Having very similar problems to Cray.
The GOOD: Cat
The BAD: Still being up at 5am
The BAD: Trying to find a way to move on with my life after all hope has been destroyed and I'm forced have things that I don't want done to my body and having nothing to look forward to and being depressed and having three failed if half-hearted suicide attempts in the past week (seriously body? Benzos, excessive amounts of oxy, sleeping pills and alcohol didn't kill you? Why not?!).

[crayauchtin]

THE BAD: NO DOING STUFF LIKE THAT TO YOURSELF DELORIA. BADBADBADBADBAD. I dunno what happened, but DO NOT DO THAT.

Uhm, oh, the cat thing.

The GOOD: I have a cat.
The BAD: My cat doesn't like when his people are sick and actively avoids us (we're boring when we're sick, and people pay attention to us instead of him.)
The BAD: My Crohn's flaring up = I'm sick = My cat is actively avoiding me. Jerk.
The GOOD: My play is over so I can just focus on getting better.
The BAD: Still not on the right meds.......

DELORIA. REREAD THE FIRST LINE OF THIS POST.

[Deloria]

My mother sabotaged the only thing that could have gotten me out of chronic pain. And I have to live with her. And I'm exhausted from said chronic pain. And I'm being forced to have things I don't want put in my body.

[writerlove]

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE Don't kill yourself. It's not worth it. you do have people who love you, like here at the forums. Jamie loves you dearly. I've been where you are (although never actually attempted anything)  and it does get better. Although I can't understand why a mother would ruin their daughter's chance to feel better. Shouldn't they want to do everything to make her feel better  I'm seriously befuddled.

[Deloria]

I tried three days ago. It didn't work. Apparently an opiate intolerant and extremely underweight girl can take 80mg of liquid oxycontin (so 2mg/kg), grapefruit juice, tonic water, vodka, benzodiazepines, and sleeping tablets (imidazopyridines) and live. Who knew?

It's not about who loves me and who doesn't. It's about being completely exhausted and feeling hopeless after being in pain every single day for four years and then having the one thing that had even a chance of working and that could have made life tolerable snatched away. When life becomes unendurable, the affection anyone might have for you becomes utterly inconsequential and completely irrelevant. And no, it's not going to get better.

The BAD: Being up at 3:11 in pain again.
The BAD: Cat is out of reach.
The BAD: Tomorrow's going to be a really long day. I have obligations from 8:00-18:00.

[Delling]

It's not about who loves me and who doesn't. It's about being completely exhausted and feeling hopeless after being in pain every single day for four years and then having the one thing that had even a chance of working and that could have made life tolerable snatched away. When life becomes unendurable, the affection anyone might have for you becomes utterly inconsequential and completely irrelevant.

That may all be true, but... ... acute depression should be treated by a cute kitty!

And no, it's not going to get better.

In thermodynamics, a heat bath is an object of significant volume held at a constant temperature so that when something is put into it, that something will approach the temperature of said heat bath. It could get better: if we submerged you into a "cat bath"--room of a significant volume held at a constant level of fuzzy cuddliness! At which point, when you are coated in purring kitties, you will approach the zen-elation of purring dozing kitty. (Arguably, this is only improving the circumstances in which you are in pain... but kittehs!) (I however know you would find it hard to argue with kittehs )

(Posted on: June 04, 2012, 12:22:24 PM)

The BAD: Trying to find a way to move on with my life after all hope has been destroyed ...

Ok, see, the rest of that one was bad, but trying to find a way to move on with your life is good and an admission that you still have a life. What I'm trying to say is: Keep trying to find a way to move on with your life!

[writerlove]

(Posted on: June 04, 2012, 12:22:24 PM)

The BAD: Trying to find a way to move on with my life after all hope has been destroyed ...

Ok, see, the rest of that one was bad, but trying to find a way to move on with your life is good and an admission that you still have a life. What I'm trying to say is: Keep trying to find a way to move on with your life!
[/quote]

What Delling said. We're trying to help you because we care. I don't know you well at all but I've been in a similar mindset and come out on the other side. There's a way out. You may not see it right now but it's there.

Now, cue my own emo whine.

The bad: Hating my state of unemployment and being in the house alone for the umpteenth time.

[darthkiwi]

This is not a failure to achieve a goal or a breakup or a terrible setback; all of those can be recovered from.

There is no answer to this. It will never get better.

[KatieHal]

Deloria, I'm so sorry to hear that things are so s****y right now for you. That's awful, and I can't really imagine what it must be like. And as it all sounds very drastic, I have to ask if there's someone else you can stay with (your living situation does not sound good for you at all), and if you can see a therapist to help you get through this. I would hate, hate, hate to hear that something has taken any of our forumers away from us, especially by their own hands, and you have been with us for years, an active member of this community, and you would be missed by us all.

Please find a non-destructive way to help you through this. I don't know the details of your situation, but there's always another option, even if am improbable one, even if it means relying on someone else to be strong and carry you through it, and it's clear that the way things are right now for you is not maintainable or healthy.

[crayauchtin]

Dealing with my fair amount of medical stuff myself right now, so let me assure you this is from very recent experience...

Now, I don't know the precise details of what happened, but I'm sure whatever your mother did can be undone or at re-done so that whatever it is that will make you feel better can be back on the table again. It may take some more time, and I know that SUCKS beyond belief, and it may take getting out of that living situation or other actions that make it more complicated and difficult to do.... but I assure you, if this is the way that you will feel better there is still a way to get it for you, somehow. The medical industry is full of idiots, inept morons, and dolts.... but even the bureaucrats have a tiny bit of compassion and they understand that things happen -- especially when you're in pain -- and they will not leave you high and dry with no hope.

....that doesn't mean they'll speed up processing your paperwork after they messed it up three times, but that's my story not yours. Have Cray-Q-uestie Hug!

[Haids1987]

GOOD: Sunshiney out for the first time in several weeks.

BAD: I just got paid on Friday and after bills I now have $74 to my name. God help me, I'm very scared for the next two weeks.

[GrahamRocks!]

GOOD: Started my 5th Annual Pixar Marathon yesterday to celebrate Brave coming out this month, and last night, we had company over: a friend of my Mama's, Jenn, and her little just turned 2 year old named Jenna. We watched Toy Story (1995), and Jenna was completely engrossed in it! It was adorable!

BAD: Still worried about Deloria. Very much worried!    Please, please, please just... stay strong. Have Courage, have Faith. You ARE loved here, my dear. Even the ones who don't even know you (like me), still care about you.

[Deloria]

but I'm sure whatever your mother did can be undone or at re-done so that whatever it is that will make you feel better can be back on the table again

Yeah, no, unfortunately not. I was going to do something many people would find morally questionable and that is borderline legal here but something with which everyone involved was okay considering my rather desperate circumstances. She blew the whistle and now no one will touch it. There is no fix for this.

[crayauchtin]

Deloria.
I thought we discussed this.
Bathing in the blood of infants ONLY makes you look younger. Although it is a little bit festive.

...was that not it?


And is there something preventing you from reaching out to other medical professionals, introducing them to your case, getting them on board with the plan and going from there? I mean, no, it's not ideal and it means more time but there are other doctors, aren't there?

[Delling]

And is there something preventing you from reaching out to other medical professionals, introducing them to your case, getting them on board with the plan and going from there? I mean, no, it's not ideal and it means more time but there are other doctors, aren't there?

Doubtful because of this...

... many people would find [it] morally questionable and [it] is borderline legal here ...

Anywho...

The GOOD: MERINGUE COOKIES
The BAD: soooo tired...
The BAD: got in a little late today
The GOOD: COOKIES!! omnomnom (I made chocolate and almond meringue cookies (a batch of each) last night to share with the office )
The GOOD: 40ish minutes until tea break