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Therapy: King's Quest Style

Started by Damar, September 06, 2010, 08:13:08 PM

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B'rrr

~Mary Jane supporter~
~Legend~

KatieHal


Katie Hallahan
~Designer, PR Director~

"Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." Christina Baldwin

I have a blog!

Damar

Yeah, Cedric was a pretty obvious one.  And I actually had to cut back the number of times he said, "oooh!"  When I first started writing it, it was literally ever line.  I had to hold myself back, even though I snickered each time I wrote it.  I still do.  "Oooh!"  Anyway, next character is up!

"Alright, so Shamir, it's been a while since I've seen you"
"Yes, it has been.  I see that your office is back in order."
"It took a while to get the smell of burning out and to repair the damage."
"I do want to apologize for the dazzle ball I threw last time.  The mint just takes over and..."
"I'm fully aware.  Still, what you did last time caused significant damage and under normal circumstances I wouldn't have reopened your case.  However King Alexander was quite insistent."
"My master will always have his way!"
"Well as I said he...wait...he always gets his way?  Why is that?"
"Because I grant his wishes!"
"So when he wanted you to...did...Shamir, I need for you to be honest with me."
"Of course!"
"Did you rob me of my free will so your master could have his way?"
"What?"
"I know you understand the question, Shamir.  Did you use your powers to strip me of my free will?"
"My master is very persuasive and I'm sure you simply made the choice yourself."
"Maybe I did.  Well why don't we move on to...wait...are you making me move on to another topic?  You were evasive and now I'm moving on.  Seriously, do I still have my free will?"
"I don't understand.  What you do is..."
"Ok, look, we need to have some ground rules in here.  First off, no powers.  I can't be second guessing myself and the therapy will be meaningless if you potentially can control what I say and do.  Second, no dazzle ball.  Third, you cannot, cannot present here when high on mint.  I will not do therapy when you are impaired.  Agreed?"
"Anything!"
"Ok, why don't we start with your relationship with King Alexander."
"King Alexander is my master!  He owns my lamp!"
"So you don't own your own property?"
"King Alexander is my master!"
"Yes I know.  But surely you consider yourself a sentient being with all the basic rights endowed by nature."
"King Alexander is..."
"Is your master, but is..."
"He owns my lamp!"
"Yes, but you are still your own person, correct?"
"It is my purpose to grant the wishes my master commands."
"Do you anticipate wishes, or does he have to command them?"
"What?"
"I'm trying to gauge how enmeshed you are with King Alexander's life.  Do you dote on him every day, making his wishes a reality as he thinks them, or do you wait, your days made up of anticipation that Alexander may come to you and command you do something?"
"I...I used to simply read his thoughts, but he found that..."
"Unsettling?"
"There was an incident where I made one of his thoughts a reality and it led to a serious disagreement between the king and queen.  I made several duplicates of Cassima as Alexander imagined so that..."
"Ok, I really, absolutely, whole-heartedly don't need any details on that.  At all.  Ever.  Let's move on."
"As you wish."
"So you originally doted on Alexander to grant his wishes but now you wait for his commands.  Do you notice the pattern there?"
"That Alexander is my master?"
"The pattern is that..."
"Because he owns my lamp."
"Ok, but that's not the pattern."
"It's not?"
"No."
"But..he's my...master..."
"You're very concrete, aren't you?  You have difficulty with abstract ideas and concepts."
"Master Alexander..."
"Ok, but getting back to the pattern of anticipating versus waiting for King Alexander's wishes.  The pattern here is that in both cases, your life revolves on Alexander and seeking validation from him.  Your identity is tied to him."
"Of course.  He is my master."
"You keep saying that, but what does it actually mean?"
"He owns my lamp."
"No, I mean, what does that really mean?  You are your own person.  Why must genies follow their master?  Is it a written law somewhere?"
"I...it's what I do."
"Right, but do you even know any other genies?"
"No.  I'm the only one."
"So you're the only one you've ever met."
"No, I'm the only one."
"Alright, I understand that it appears to you that you're the only one, but you don't exist in a vacuum.  There are other genies somewhere.  King Graham himself once...no, twice encountered genies."
"But I've never seen them."
"Right, but just because you've not seen other genies doesn't mean that they don't exist.  Again, you're being very concrete...but we're getting sidetracked.  The fact is that you've never met any other genies."
"I'm the only one."
"Right.  Ok, so you're completely isolated.  So how do we know that the law of the land for genies is whoever owns your lamp owns you?  This could be seen as a pathology.  Particularly since you tend to take on attributes of your so-called master in order to endear yourself to him."
"That's...disturbing."
"More disturbing than the implication that an entire species is hard-wired to be subservient?"
"But...Alexander..."
"Do you really obey everything Alexander says?"
"Of course!  He's my master!  He owns..."
"Ok, but here's the thing: I know that you don't actually obey everything your master says."
"I always obey!"
"And what about the mint?"
"Mmmm...mint..."
"If you had mint right now, you'd eat it, wouldn't you?"
"I'd...no, I'd call my sponsor."
"Your sponsor is King Alexander."
"He's my master!  And my sponsor!"
"Alright, but again, I'm not sure you could resist the mint.  And I know that Alexander has ordered you not to eat mint."
"It's his command!  I wouldn't eat mint!"
"Right, but you've shown up here high off mint in the past.  And didn't your last master order you not to eat mint either?  But you did.  Given the chance you always did."
"I always obey my master!"
"That's the thing though!  You don't!  If your master orders you...no, better yet, if your master wishes for you not to eat mint, you still are capable of eating mint!  And you've done it in the past, in direct violation of the wish!  Now that points to free will on your part, not a fatalistic rule of law that genies must follow!  My theory here is that if you have a need to attach yourself to a strong presence and follow them in order to seek validation and purpose.  You don't feel capable of making choices on your own, so you rely on their wishes to guide your own purpose in life.  And you take on attributes of your so-called master in order to enmesh yourself further.  But it's not completely enough, which is why the mint..."
"Mint..."
"You self-medicate with the mint.  You don't feel capable of making choices, you have difficulty understanding and processing the world around you, so you use the mint to make yourself feel good.  To numb the..."
"Mmmm...mint..."
"Ok, I'm going to cut off there and point out that you seem to be having very strong cravings for mint right now.  Now how can we challenge these cravings?"
"Delicious mint."
"You're glorifying the high and that's dangerous Shamir.  Let's talk about..."
"I...I have to go...I...my master is calling me!"  (Shamir vanishes in a puff of smoke.)
"Shamir!  This is unacceptable behavior!  We agreed you wouldn't use powers in these sessions!  We won't make any progress if...if you don't...you're not listening, are you?  You're not anywhere remotely near this office anymore.  I'm still billing for this time, Shamir!  Your master wanted you to show for these sessions and...  (Shamir reappears.)
"I was...I wassss wrong!  My m...ashter wasn't (hic!) call-ing me.  But I...I am (hic!) back and we can continued!"
"You've been eating mint, Shamir."
"What?  No!  I (hic!) hasn't...had any mints for...I have a shponsher and I...I've been clean froms mints for two or three...four...for while."
"You've been clean from mint for two or three or four whiles now?"
"Yesh."
"Ok, Shamir, I think we're done here.  You are clearly impaired..."
"You're...re...clearly impaired!"
"Please leave my office now."
"I hasn't been using (hic!) mint!  My mashter tol...tolded me...told me no mints and I hasn't used mints!"
"Leave my office."
"You leave my office!"
"Shamir, you're clearly self-medicating for some deeper issues, but until you stop using, we'll never get to them.  Now leave this office before I call security."
"You...you (hic!) calling sec...securtity?  You know what I do to securtity?"
"Shamir..."
"I look at your securtity and say, 'Razzle dazzle...'"
"Shamir, I'm warning you!  No dazzle ball spells!  Not in this office!"
"'Send a small...I mean a ball of light...'"
"Shamir Shamazel, hold your spells!"
"Send (hic!) a...ball (hic!)..."
"You will not cast that dazzle ball spell!"
"Yesh I will!  I will send a ball of light..."
"You will not send that ball of light!  You will not send that ball of light to frazzle!"
"YES I WILL!  I WILL SEND THAT..."
"YOU WILL NOT!  DO NOT SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT TO FRAZZLE!"
"I WILL SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT TO FRAZZLE!"
"DO NOT SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT..."
"I WILL SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT!"
"WE JUST PAINTED IN HERE AND YOU WILL NOT SEND THAT BALL OF LIGHT TO FRAZZLE!"
"'Send a ball of light...'"
"DON'T YOU DO IT!"
"'To frazzle!'"
Shamir Shamazel
Diagnosis: 1. Substance Dependence
2. Dependent Personality Disorder
3. Borderline Intellectual Functioning

darthkiwi

These just get better and better!  ;D Absolutely hilarious!

Is it weird that I can hear the dialogue in my head? "Send a small... I mean a ball...."
Prince of the Aquitaine. Duke of York.

Knight errant and consort to Her Grace the Empress Deloria of the Holy Roman Empire, Queene of all Albion and Princess Palatine.

dark-daventry

Quote from: darthkiwi on September 16, 2010, 03:29:39 PM
These just get better and better!  ;D Absolutely hilarious!

Is it weird that I can hear the dialogue in my head? "Send a small... I mean a ball...."

I agree! Each one is better than the last! Shamir's is hilarious!
Founder of the (new) Left Handed Alliance Of Left Handed People (LHALHP)

Gay and proud of it!

Avid Adventure Game fan

B'rrr

~Mary Jane supporter~
~Legend~

dark-daventry

I WANT MORE! SHOW ME MORE! lol seriously, this is some top notch stuff! I would definitely keep writing this and saving it all.
Founder of the (new) Left Handed Alliance Of Left Handed People (LHALHP)

Gay and proud of it!

Avid Adventure Game fan

Damar

#27
Quote from: darthkiwi on September 16, 2010, 03:29:39 PM
Is it weird that I can hear the dialogue in my head? "Send a small... I mean a ball...."

Not at all, because Shamir actually does say that in KQ6.  Right before he blasts himself, cuz you got him high.  Don't do mint, kids!  I try to add in a few lines that the characters actually say because I find it amusing (probably more so than it actually is.)

And yeah, I've got them all saved in a word document, one right after the other (and a couple in my head still waiting to be written down).  I just sit down, write one, read it over, and post it here.  It's my way of unwinding after a crazy day.  And speaking of crazy, here's the next one!  I didn't think I'd be able to fit this next diagnosis into a King's Quest game, but sure enough, one of the characters showed the symptoms, so there you go!

"Alright, Mister...I don't have a name listed here."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"Do you have a name?"
"Would you like a new lamp?  I will need an old lamp in trade!"
"Ok, why don't we move past the name issue and discuss this lamp fixation?  Apparently you've been sent to treatment due to the fact that you sit in town all day and night yelling about your lamps."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"Wait, I thought you wanted old lamps?"
"I do!  You can have your pick of my new lamps, but I will need an old lamp in trade!"
"Right...it's just that your call makes it sound like you have old lamps that you will trade for new lamps.  I mean, I see now what you're saying, but wouldn't the call be clearer if you said, 'New lamps for old?'"
"I have fine new lamps!"
"Ok, I guess the grammar isn't really important.  So...isn't it a rather bad business?  Taking old lamps and giving new ones in trade?"
"Well, there's always the chance I'd find a genie!  Why, if I had a genie, I'd be richer than a king!  Besides, there's always a roaring business in antique illuminaries!"
"Really?  Because I don't think anyone has ever seen you selling an old lamp.  It's always the new..."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS..."
"Ok, you really don't have to yell!  There's no one here with old lamps."
"That's an old lamp over there!"
"Yes I have a lamp and...what are you...please don't rub my lamps, sir..."
"DRAT!  ANOTHER DUD!"
"You are really fixated on finding a genie, aren't you?"
"If I had a genie, I'd be richer than a king!"
"How long have you been trading these new lamps?"
"Oh, many years."
"And you clearly haven't found a genie yet."
"I know I will one day!  I can hear the genie calling me!"
"Can you?  As in you want the genie so much you can just feel him call you, or as in you can hear the genie calling to you as clearly as I'm talking?"
"The genie is calling me!  I must find his lamp!  OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"You don't get much business, though, do you?  From what I hear, people tend to shy away from you.  And the other shopkeepers..."
"The other shopkeepers conspire!  They want the genie for themselves!  Always watching from their windows!  Always watching!"
"They claim that you behave erratically."
"They conspire!  They want me out of the way!"
"They also say that you sit in the dirt all day and never seem to change your clothes.  And I can see for myself right now that you've not had any dental work done in some time.  Those teeth look painful!"
"When I find a genie, I'll have teeth like a king!"
"Right.  When's the last time you got a shower?"
"No time!  The genie is calling me!  I must find old lamps!"
"And those new lamps look expensive.  It seems to me that you must be spending all your money on new lamps for trade."
"I have fine new lamps!"
"Right, but you get only a small amount of money from the Green Isles welfare fund.  Does it all go to lamps?  What about food?"
"When I find a genie, I will eat like a king!"
"I see from your background information that you've been committed several times due to erratic, disorganized behavior as well as a perceived inability to meet your basic daily needs."
"Conspirers!  Conspirers everywhere!  Trying to steal my rightful genie by locking me up!"
"Let me see here, according to the documentation during those inpatient stays...you...ok, you apparently didn't give them your name there either.  But you receive welfare so you must have a name and identifying information, so if you could just let me know what to call you, I'd..."
"You may call me Aladdin!"
"That is clearly an alias."
"My name isn't important.  All that matters is my lamps!  Look at my fine new lamps!"
"They are certainly fine new lamps.  But fine new lamps are not the issue here.  My main concern is that you're not caring for yourself by making sure to keep up with hygiene and eat regularly.  Everything seems to focus on finding a genie and trading lamps.  And this constant fear that people are watching, trying to steal a genie out from under you..."
"I hear the genie!  I know he's out there!  Always calling for me, never sleeping!  I just need to find his lamp!  OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"We need to ensure that you're safe and that you don't represent a threat to yourself.  If you can give me some assurance that you have enough food or that..."
"OLD LAMPS FOR NEW!  OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!"
"Are you listening to me?"
"Aaah!  Take your pick of my new lamps, but I will need an old lamp in trade!  Just not that one over there!  NOT THE DUD!  The genie will be mine!  NEW LAMPS FOR OLD!  NEW LAMPS...FOR OLD!"
Lamp Trader (Patient #24601)
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia, Chronic, Paranoid Type

kindofdoon

LOL! I really like this character and diagnosis.

Quote“Well, there’s always the chance I’d find a genie!  Why, if I had a genie, I’d be richer than a king!  Besides, there’s always a roaring business in antique illumini!”

I think it's "antique illuminaries".

Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

maharg

I think it was "antique aluminaes" or "aluminas" because he's talking about antique aluminum antiques. Get it? So the word is whatever the latin plural of aluminums is.



OLD LAMPS...FOR NEW!

kindofdoon


Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

Damar

I knew I should have done a Youtube search!  That's what I get for being lazy, I guess.  Still, I swear the guy sounded like he said "illumini" which totally isn't a word (though it sounds like it could be).  Ah well.

kindofdoon

I don't mean to cut you down - I just wanted to point it out for future reference, because the lamp peddler is one of my favorite characters in the KQ series.

Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

Damar

No worries, and believe me, I know you're not cutting me down.  And now I will use my powers to...

Well, check it out!  The lamp trader has apparently corrected himself!  How did that happen?

kindofdoon


Daniel Dichter, Production/PR
daniel.dichter@postudios.com

maharg

Listen to the original voice in the game. It sounds like aluminays but sure enough the text is that other word. Gotta love Tony Jay's peddler voice.

dark-daventry

Founder of the (new) Left Handed Alliance Of Left Handed People (LHALHP)

Gay and proud of it!

Avid Adventure Game fan

Damar

It never occurred to me that the trader (yes, I say trader!) was voiced by Tony Jay.  But of course I hear it now.  The guy did that character, the Arch Druid, Gate, and Saladin!  Now that's some talent right there!  And his voice is just so creepy when he wants it to be!

Anyway, since I'm waiting for the download, might as well post another one.  Since Rosella requested some villains, I figured I'd give that a try.  (And yes, I'll get to Valanice too at some point just to get all the royals in there.)  A few of them are tough (Lollote, Manannan, and Alhazred) because they're just straight up sociopaths.  Fortunately, other villains have a touch more of the crazy in them.  Like this one...

"Alright, Miss Malicia, I understand that the Guild of Evil Fairies is concerned about some behaviors you've been exhibiting."
"Those awful, evil people are just jealous of my schemes!"
"Well, I don't think they have any problems with your schemes, and I'd just as soon not know about them.  I'm mandated to report any activity that would lead to the deaths of others..."
"You'd never leave this office alive if you told on me!"
"Like I said, I'd just as soon not know about your schemes.  But evidently your peers are concerned about you and...ok...I'm just going to have to break there and ask what your dog is doing."
"My pwecious wittle Cuddles is just making a little pwesent in the corner!  Yes he is!  Yes he is!"
"Not on the carpet!"
"My Cuddles is leaving a present for you!  Are you saying you don't like my Cuddles?"
"I...it's just...that's a new carpet and he's...is he chewing on the walls now?"
"Aw!  My wittle Cuddles is hungwy, isn't him?"
"Actually eating nonedible objects, or pica, is a sign of severe developmental issues and..."
"Are you insulting my pwecious Cuddles?  Are you saying him's not smart?"
"Why don't we just get back to the main topic?  So your peers are concerned about your actions and how you present yourself."
"They're just jealous."
"In particular they're worried that you have body image issues and they feel that your look is, and I quote, 'creepy.'"
"They wish they were as devious and vicious as me!"
"I'm sure they do.  But the fact is that the Guild of Evil Fairies, who until a few years ago was headed up by none other than Lollote, who is legendary for her evil, finds you creepy.  They think that your attachment to your dog is bizarre and that your body image issues make them all look bad."
"Are you saying I'm ugly?"
"No, no, not at all.  I'm simply pointing out that your peers feel you have body image issues.  And you do seem to be wearing a lot of makeup.  I believe some of your enemies have made snide comments about you using a trowel to..."
"I'll kill them!"
"I have no doubt you already have killed most of your enemies.  But physical appearance seems to be of paramount importance to you.  May I ask you a personal question?"
"If you must."
"How old are you?"
"I must admit that only a few short years ago I hit the thirty year milestone.  It was quite an ordeal and I don't admit it to many people but..."
"Ok, I'm going to cut you off there.  I know you're older than thirty."
"How dare you!  Are you implying..."
"It's clear by your makeup that you want to look thirty, but there are two very obvious reasons why you are very much over thirty."
"And they are?"
"Well first, fairies are close to immortal, so the odds that you were actually born about thirty years ago is...well...almost nonexistent."
"But not impossible.  And the second reason?"
"Because you're most famous for leading an insurrection against King Oberon and Queen Titania and being banished from Etheria over a century ago."
"They exaggerate!"
"If you say so.  What I find interesting, though, is that even though fairies, and by extension you, are nearly immortal and therefore age has no meaning, you still cling to the insistence that you are just over thirty years old.  And your makeup, as I said, is obviously applied fairly liberally to make you look younger.  What would happen if you took the makeup off?"
"I don't want them to see my face!  The makeup covers my face!"
"Which is another interesting point.  The makeup quite literally covers your face.  All of it."
"Your point?"
"Queen Titania is your sister, correct?"
"I asked if you had a point."
"Well, Queen Titania has green skin.  You apparently don't."
"And?"
"Well, I don't pretend to understand the subtleties of fairy genetics, but that doesn't make any sense whatsoever.  There are only two explanations I can come up with.  One is that you and Titania aren't really related and the second is that you do have green skin.  You cover it all up with makeup."
"And which explanation do you think is the right one, smart boy?"
"I think you have green skin and you cover it with makeup.  In fact, I believe you cover all your skin with makeup."
"Do you?  And why is that?"
"Because your hand is smudging makeup on my arm chair right now."
"You think you're so clever, don't you?"
"I wouldn't presume.  But I think this demonstrates the negative view you hold of yourself.  If I may ask, what is your opinion of your physical appearance?"
"I need the makeup!"
"Not really an answer, but alright.  Now, I also notice that you wear very bulky, billowy gowns.  Other fairies wear much tighter clothing.  Titania does..."
"Yes, of course!  The beautiful sister can do nothing wrong!  Titania is so perfect!  Titania has perfect features!  Everyone loves Titania and everyone is disgusted by me!"
"Is that how you see yourself?  As disgusting?"
"What was your point?"
"Well, my point is that your style of dress is more bulky than any other fairy, whether they were good or evil.  Even Lollote wore that evening dress/cloak of death despite the fact that no one wanted to see her flaunt what she had.  But you wear giant gowns.  Why is that?"
"I need the gowns."
"You want to keep your body hidden?"
"Don't try to get inside my head.  You'd never make it out alive!"
"Then why don't you tell me what's going on inside your head and save me the trip?  How about those stockings you're wearing?  They look...uncomfortable."
"They shape my legs."
"They look rough enough to scrub tarnished bronze.  I have no doubt that they forcibly shape your legs.  But do you feel you actually need the shaping?  What is your perception of yourself?"
"I wear what I need to in order to go out in public."
"So you keep your face and all of your exposed skin hidden with makeup meant to make you look younger and less green, you cover your body with massive gowns, and even though your legs are hidden by those gowns when standing up, you still shape them with horrifyingly uncomfortable stockings that could be used as an instrument of torture?"
"I wouldn't go out any other way."
"You hate the way you look without all those trappings, don't you?"
"I hate everything."
"I have no doubt.  But you really despise yourself.  And I'm willing to bet that's why you dote on Cuddles...who is...who is right now chewing on my Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.  That is fantastic."
"Don't say an unkind word towards my Cuddles!  Anything him wants, him gets!  And that includes your awful little book!"
"Right.  Ok, so I'm thinking that these body image issues are a major reason why you dote on Cuddles.  He gives you the one outlet of adoration and positive affirmation in your life.  You don't feel you can give it to yourself, so you give it to Cuddles by proxy."
"Very interesting.  But none of that will matter when I blow that nasty old Etheria right out of the sky!"
"No, I said I didn't want to know!  I don't want to know!  I'm not listening!  NOT LISTENING!  YOU CAN'T KILL ME IF I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"
Malicia
Diagnosis: Body Dysmorphic Disorder

dark-daventry

XD ROFLOL I COULD HEAR MALICIA SAYING EVERYTHING! ESPECIALLY CUDDLES! Fantastic job!
Founder of the (new) Left Handed Alliance Of Left Handed People (LHALHP)

Gay and proud of it!

Avid Adventure Game fan

Damar

So, next up is another villain.  And the truth is, I really don't think this one is much of an exaggeration.  Playing the game, this guy really seemed to be a hothead and, let's face it, not the brightest wand in the cheese generator.  He's just so angry.  So very angry...

"Alright, Mordack, so I'm assuming that you're here for grief and loss counseling?"
"My brother is a cat, he's not dead!"
"Oh.  Ok, then.  Fair enough.  Then..."
"Wait, how did you know something happened to my brother?
"Oh, I have some friends in Llewdor and they mentioned that the wizard on the mountain seemed to have gone missing and recently his mansion burned down, so I just figured he'd died.  And it's pretty well known that you're his brother so..."
"Well he's not dead!  He's just a cat!  And he insists on coughing up hairballs everywhere.  Just like the older brother to keep torturing me..."
"Very passive-aggressive to be sure.  So, if you're not here for grief issues, then why are you here?"
"My master said I'm too impulsive."
"Your master?"
"The head of the Society of the Black Cloaks."
"And what is the Society of the...you know what?  I don't want to know."
"A wise decision."
"So do you believe you're too impulsive?"
"They had it coming!"
"Who did?"
"All of them.  Gwydion, his family, Cassima, all of them!"
"By Gwydion, I'm assuming you mean Prince Alexander.  So why don't we start with him and with the royal family?"
"What do you mean, start with them?"
"What did you do and why did they have it coming?"
"Are you kidding?  That swine Gwydion turned my brother into a cat!"
"You mean Prince Alexander."
"That swine's name is Gwydion!"
"So you found out your brother had been turned into a cat.  Then what did you do?"
"I burned down his mansion!"
"Ah.  That makes...sense.  Why?"
"Because my brother was a cat!"
"And for that you burned down the house and all your brother's possessions?  All his keepsakes and anything else that you might have wanted?  Like his wand?  Or his books?  I understand you have quite the library.  You didn't even want your brother's books?"
"Now I do."
"But not at the time?"
"I was mad!"
"Alright, so what did you do after you burned down your brother's mansion?"
"I went to Daventry and stole the royal family and their castle!  And then I shrank them in my lab!"
"You...uh...ok, I really wish I hadn't heard that."
"If you report me to the authorities, I'll kill you and them.  I'll burn this whole place to the ground.  I'll turn your world into a graveyard the likes of which have never been seen!  You'll all die, you swine!"
"Ok, and I really wish I hadn't heard that."
"Maybe I'll just kill you now!"
"Ok, why don't we just slow down and go back to the topic at hand and maybe do some deep breathing.  So you stole the castle and all of the royal family?"
"Not all.  The king wasn't inside."
"Oh...so...you didn't want the king?"
"Of course I did!  I want that swine Gwydion to see his entire family suffer!"
"So you didn't check to make sure the whole family was inside the castle?"
"How was I to know?"
"Well, you could have camped out, watching the castle.  Or waited until night when you knew everyone was inside.  Did you at least wait to make sure no one was watching you?"
"I was mad!  Those swine needed to pay!"
"So you want revenge, but not if it takes more than a few minutes?"
"Don't get clever with me!  I will cut you down!  See if I won't!  I WILL CUT YOU IN HALF!"
"Alright, let's calm down.  So, have you killed the royal family yet?"
"No.  I'm keeping them alive.  Unless Gwydion makes me feed him to the cat!  Because I will.  Make no mistake!  I WILL FEED HIM TO THE CAT!  I WILL BREAK HIM INTO LITTLE PIECES AND FEED HIM TO THE..."
"Ok, so it's obvious that you have some anger towards the royal family of Daventry.  Now you also mentioned someone named Cassima?"
"She's my scullery maid."
"Ok and what did she do?"
"She refused me."
"So you propositioned yourself to your maid?"
"Well she wasn't my maid at the time.  And technically she's not now."
"Oh, so she has more meaning to you than..."
"No, it's just that 'maid' makes it sound like I pay her.  I don't.  She's more of a slave."
"There are so many ethical violations here..."
"You rat me out, you die!  You hear me?  SNITCHES WIND UP DEAD IN DITCHES!  I WILL END YOU!"
"You really need to stop threatening me right now.  Your master sent you here.  How would he feel if you killed me?"
"He'd know you had it coming."
"I'm not so sure.  He says you're too impulsive.  That makes it seem like he's tired of your behaviors.  So let's get back to Cassima.  How did you meet her?"
"She's a Princess.  One of the Brothers of the Black Cloak is rising to power in her kingdom.  He should be making his move against her parents very soon."
"I really wish you'd stop telling me about you and your society's plans for murder..."
"You won't tell anyone.  Not if you want to live.  And if you want your family and friends to live.  Don't think I won't destroy everything you ever loved."
"Ok, so moving on.  You met Cassima and then you propositioned her?"
"Alhazred introduced us."
"Your brother in the society?"
"Yes.  He invited me to the Green Isles and showed Cassima to me."
"And?"
"And she was hot.  I wanted her.  So I told her."
"Just like that?"
"You have a problem with that?  I'm direct!  Are you judging me?"
"Not at all.  So Cassima rejected you?"
"Yes she did.  THE SWINE!"
"You use that insult a lot, don't you?"
"THE SOW!"
"Alright, so she rejected you, and you kidnapped her and turned her into a slave.  Why?"
"She had it coming!"
"Did it occur to you that this Alhazred was using you to take Cassima away so that he would have more power over her parents and facilitate his rise to power?"
"What?  No, he...he...THE SWINE!  I'LL KILL HIM!"
"So what I'm seeing here is that..."
"I WILL TEAR HIS HEAD OFF!  I WILL BURN THE GREEN ISLES UNTIL ALL THAT REMAINS IS ASH AND RUIN!"
"You have anger issues."
"I WILL EAT HIS FAMILY WHILE HE WATCHES AND CUT HIS THROAT AND KILL HIM!"
"So about this impulsivity..."
"I WILL KILL HIM...AND...KILL...HIM...I WILL KILL HIM UNTIL HE'S DEAD!"
"Ok, we really need to move beyond Alhazred right now.  Do you begin to see why your master feels that you're chaotic and impulsive?"
"They all have it coming!"
"You get angry and you don't think.  You just act, and usually that action results in death and property destruction.  Let me ask you a question.  What would you do if Graham showed up in your castle looking for his family?"
"I'D KILL THE SWINE!"
"Ok, fair enough.  Though, if I recall, you wanted Prince Alexander to see his family die.  And you were trying to hold off on killing the family in general.  So you don't really want to kill Graham."
"Not really.  It's not the plan."
"Yet, if you imagine seeing Graham right now..."
"I KILL YOU, YOU SWINE!"
"Right.  So do you see my point?"
"No."
"You don't think things through.  You just act.  And your actions are fully out of proportion and end up setting you back."
"THE SWINES HAVE IT COMING!  I'LL KILL THEM ALL!"
Mordack
Diagnosis: Intermittent Explosive Disorder